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Was this rape/sexual abuse of some sort?

(509 Posts)

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breakfastatchanel Sun 04-Sep-16 21:42:58

This is something that happened a few years ago when I was at University living on campus in my first year. But I am just thinking about it now because something I read reminded me of it. And I'm curious if this would actually be considered rape or sexual abuse of some sort? I never thought it was before but now I'm wondering.

So basically after a night out I went back with this guy to his room (in one of the accommodation on campus). I wasn't that drunk, I can remember everything that happened and was perfectly lucid so that wasn't really an issue. But anyway I for some reason thought it was a good idea to have be promiscuous with boys I hardly knew because everyone else seemed to be doing it. Anyway, I guess we were kissing on the bed and then he took off my underwear and started to give me oral sex. I remember not liking as it was quite rough and regretting my decision but I pretended to be enjoying it or at least I didn't do anything and just put up with it trying to convince myself it was fine (not his fault though) anyway then he turned me over unto my front and carried on giving me oral sex and using his hands. Then he suddenly started to have sex with me which caught me by surprise. I would have had sex with him but I would never have agreed to do it with no condom. But once he started I just decided that the risk of infection and pregnancy was already there and I would already have to go to the clinic in the morning anyway so I didn't say anything and just let him carry on without any sign. I didn't like it either but I didn't want to cause any embarrassment for me or him so I just waited for it to be over and pretended it was okay.

I took the morning after pill the next day and then about a week later I went to the clinic to get checked out. Because I actually had thrush from it (for the only time in my life) but wanted to get checked out anyway. The nurse wanted to hear what happened and was asking questions and I told her that I would never normally have unprotected sex and she asked questions I ended up explaining what happened just so she wouldn't think I was reckless and because she was asking. I remember she seemed to be sympathetic and take it quite seriously when I told her which I was surprised about because I thought it was all me and normal. But she never said it was sexual assault or anything like that I just remember her face and the way she spoke like she felt bad for me rather than saying it was all my fault. i dunno though.

So what would this be classed as? Or would it just be me having sex that I didn't want to have but not saying anything and getting myself into a silly position (so to speak).

It's not really bothering me personally and never really did and it was ages ago anyway but I'm just curious in general about this kind of thing. Thanks.

p.s. Also in my second year of university I remember I was kissed against my will twice by two different people on two different occasions. I did the same thing and just pretended it was fine and mutual so I didn't pull away straight away to avoid embarrassment because it was both people I knew who hung around with the same people as me so i didn't want things to be awkward if they thought they had imposed on me. So I just waited a few seconds and then pulled away and just continued to act as friends. One of them did up against a wall. Both times it was totally by surprise and quite forceful. Was that sexual assault? Even though it was just kissing?

RealityCheque Sun 04-Sep-16 21:50:38

Ofc it wasn't rape or sexual assault. hmm

At no point did you do it say anything to imply that you were not happy with it, and you were a willing party to the foreplay proceeding it.

Had you asked him to stop or even pulled away then it would be a different story.

Scrumptiousbears Sun 04-Sep-16 21:53:57

In my opinion if you acted like you enjoyed it and you said nothing to him he could only believe you where enjoying it I would not consider this rape or sexual assault but put it down to a bad judgement call on your part.

WellErrr Sun 04-Sep-16 21:56:50

^ what they said

Floggingmolly Sun 04-Sep-16 21:58:20

The nurse wanted to hear what happened??

Jizzomelette Sun 04-Sep-16 21:59:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stitchglitched Sun 04-Sep-16 22:01:06

My view is that consent has to be enthusiastic- so a man shouldn't presume consent just because you don't say no or push him off. So if you were pretending to enjoy it and reciprocating then it would be understandable for him to think it was ok to continue. If you just lay there passively, didn't say no but didn't join in either, then the onus should have been on him to see if you were happy before he went any further.

Either way, I'm sorry that you experienced something that doesn't feel right to you and I hope you are ok.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge Sun 04-Sep-16 22:01:48

No means no but if you don't say No then it's not rape or assault. If you "pretended to enjoy it" what's he supposed to do? Gain psychic powers?

He is an asshole for not using a condom but not a rapist.

You were young and stupid being too polite to say no to something you didn't want. I hope you've learnt from it.

FarelyKnuts Sun 04-Sep-16 22:03:11

I think maybe you need to look at why you are not able to say no or stop and continue to go along with sexual situations you are not happy to be part of. What stops you from being assertive or makes you want to please other people at your own expense?

From your post, you don't say anywhere that you indicated in any way that you were unwilling to participate though.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge Sun 04-Sep-16 22:03:27

Sorry this happened but you need to put it to me side and learn from it. Don't let yourself get in a situation like this again.

stitchglitched Sun 04-Sep-16 22:06:01

'No means no but if you don't say No then it's not rape or sexual assault.'

This isn't true. The absence of no is not a yes.

breakfastatchanel Sun 04-Sep-16 22:08:48

Obviously not the fact that he continued but the fact that he started having sex with me from behind so I had no way to know he was going to do that until it was too late and he had already inserted his penis (I hate to be graphic but yeah) without a condom. That's the only part I'm wondering about. I could have said no or pulled away then but there was no way for me to consent to him doing that it in the first place because I assumed it was still just foreplay (which yeah I wasn't enjoying but that's not the part I'm questioning). If he hadn't have done that then I probably would have agreed to have sex with him only if he used a condom because although I didn't really want to at all I still would have because I was stupid and easily pressured and felt like I had to. But I never would ever agreed to it without a condom. That's what I'm asking about.

And yeah the nurse asks you questions when you go. She just asked if I used protection and why not etc. and I told her it wasn't my choice not to use protection. They ask stuff like that as well as your sexual history. It can be pretty embarrassing. They just want to know how big a risk contracting an sti you are and also to educate you on safe if needs be I guess.

ThoraGruntwhistle Sun 04-Sep-16 22:09:26

It sounds like people have been opportunistic but not rapists or sexual abusers - but if you pretended to like what they were doing, how were they to know you didn't like it?

Hellothereitsme Sun 04-Sep-16 22:09:38

I agree it wasn't rape or assault as you have no indication that you didn't want it.

However I'm surprised by the comment that the onus is on the man to make sure the women is agreeable to sex. Surely a women also has to take responsibility too?

RockyBird Sun 04-Sep-16 22:10:31

I know plenty people who do the same or similar with blokes.

It's not rape but it's not good for the soul to have any sexual relations you're not in.

MaryMargaret Sun 04-Sep-16 22:10:40

Hmmm. I think penetration in a first sexual encountet should always be preceded by a checking its OK and also a condim should be used. Always, until both parties checked out for HIV and mutual consent. I have done this for the past 30 yrs at least!

I think what happened had the potential to be seen as rape, but I appreciate that education around consent has been terrible in the past.

RockyBird Sun 04-Sep-16 22:10:46

*into

AnotherTimeMaybe Sun 04-Sep-16 22:11:57

I can see where you're coming from and I can see why you'd expect him to kind of give you a warning before he puts it in
But I think that's the risk you take if you're not explicit from the beginning. To you oral sex might not lead to anything but for someone else it's an open invitation to penetration later on

I do agree with others you need to be more assertive even if it means you stop as soon as it happens. Remember there are diseases that the morning after pill can't protect you from

stitchglitched Sun 04-Sep-16 22:16:33

Of course the onus is on the man to check, the law states that a man must have reasonable belief the woman consented to sex. It is very common for women to freeze when assaulted, often through self preservation and fear. A man needs to make sure his penis is wanted before he places it in somebody, I cannot fathom why anyone is surprised by that statement.

After reading your subsequent post OP I can definitely understand why you feel you were assaulted, I would too.

breakfastatchanel Sun 04-Sep-16 22:18:41

My point is not the fact they carried after I pretended it was fine. My point is that they did something which I had no opportunity to give consent to so it was already too late. I played along afterwards to avoid embarrassment because it had already happened. I'm talking about the moment when the guy penetrated me with his penis from behind when I had no idea he would do that and had no warning to say no before it had already happened. And the same thing with the kissing. There was no split second for me to know it was going to happen until it was already happening. That's all I'm talking about.

Jizzomelette Sun 04-Sep-16 22:25:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RebelRogue Sun 04-Sep-16 22:26:20

Consenting or pretending to enjoy one sexual act,does not mean consent to all or any sexual acts. So i get why you feel the way you do. A woman also has the right to say no at any point in time...even during sex. The question here is ..did he have reasonable belief that you were a wiling participant?
Whether we think it's rape or not does not change how you feel or your confusion about that night so maybe you should explore that.

HandBagsandgladrages Sun 04-Sep-16 22:34:45

I can see what you mean about him sticking it in from behind with no warning, unprotected. Thats's shitty really.

First time I slept with my girlfriend we had been kissing for a while and she wrjt to touch me intimatly for the first time and stopped and said 'Is this ok?'
I was a bit taken aback because I was nakes from the waist down, and obviously enjoying myself but it actually meant a lot to me that she stopped in that moment just to make sure. I think that was really respectful as it was our first time.

Blueshoessingloose Sun 04-Sep-16 22:59:54

You acted like you enjoyed it and gave no indication otherwise. Men are not psychic. And no, he didn't assault or rape you. Unless you're underage, blind drunk/drugged, asleep or comatose (in which case it is because you can't consent), you have a responsibility to speak up so your partner knows to stop. If you pretend to like it how on earth can they know you're not a willing participant?

Women have as much responsiblity to behave responsibly as men do. We're not children, we are accountable for our actions just as men are. Your sexual partner did nothing wrong.

stitchglitched Sun 04-Sep-16 23:02:16

He penetrated her from behind without being able to see if she was ok with it, without warning, without a condom. Of course he did something wrong.

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