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Fallen out with DM and feel like a fool

(13 Posts)
Jennywallpaper Sun 04-Sep-16 16:19:51

I rang my mum today because I was annoyed/upset about something and it ended up in a full blown argument over something that happened over 2 months ago. Apparently she and my DD have been upset/annoyed/disappointed with me for over 2 months but never thought to bring it up!
I thought the issue was over and we were all fine but apparently not. I feel really stupid because I had no idea I had made them feel like this but also because I've been spending time with them as normal and no one has mentioned it!
I feel really sick because we never fight and I don't want it to go on. We're going to talk tomorrow.
I just wanted to get it out and thought putting it here might make me feel a bit better

Fishface77 Sun 04-Sep-16 16:36:34

What happened and why has your DD told her and not you?? Surely your her mother and if dd has a problem she should come to you?

Jennywallpaper Sun 04-Sep-16 16:49:55

I meant my dad, DF? Is that right? sorry I'm pretty new on here.

Aussiebean Sun 04-Sep-16 17:14:47

Is what she saying fair? Can you now see why they were upset? Or do you think they are being unreasonable?

Hissy Sun 04-Sep-16 17:29:30

Without knowing the ins and out, just judging on what you say here...

You were annoyed about something she has done and rang her about it.

She has used attack as a defense and suddenly dredged up some wrong you have done to deflect from the bad thing she/they have done.

Clue- if they had have had an issue with your behaviour before, they'd probably have said something then.

This is just to quash your legitimate issue today.

You've backed down now about your issue, haven't you? That's what they wanted; to turn it all around and back on you.

Classic narc parenting. My mother would do this to me.

Denial of my concern/issue/complaint at her bad treatment of me

Minimisation of the same- because, after all, my feelings don't matter and I don't matter, only her.

Blame, well it was my fault because of xyz thing I did a year ago

Or as my mother said to me after I'd questioned her on why she moved home without telling me etc

"Well we were never that close"

Jennywallpaper Sun 04-Sep-16 18:40:10

Aussie I can see why they would be upset but it's been over 2 months and I'm only hearing about it now, i think if they were that upset they should/would've said something at the time.

Hissy I think you've hit the nail on the head to be honest! And thank you! No I haven't back down to her, she said we'd talk tomorrow so I'll see what she had to say. I'm standing my ground this time!

I just wonder if I hadn't called her today how long it would have been before she told me how she was feeling?

Hissy Sun 04-Sep-16 20:47:08

She wouldn't have.

Whatever it is she's wheeling out now wasn't an issue until you made her look in the wrong.

I'm guessing whatever YOU raised with her was pretty awful, and something you're sure was bad enough to raise it.

If I were you I'd be very clear that the issue you are raising is valid and that its this what you are discussing, not anything else they are scrabbling around for to remove your legitimate issue from the agenda.

Jennywallpaper Sun 04-Sep-16 21:42:40

Thanks so much Hissy you've made me feel a lot better, I've discussed it a lot with my DH too and he agrees that I haven't done anything to be sorry for and that if she was really upset in the first place she should have told me then.
Yes I think the issue I rang her about today was pretty awful, I was very upset and rang her in tears as I wanted to talk to her about it because she's my mum and I always talk to her when upset but she said I was getting at her about it (which I was in away and to be honest there where others to blame) and then she just came out with this stuff from months ago. She has really hurt me, and tbh I've seen a very different side of her and my DF today.
Not quite sure where we go from here, but hopefully it will get resolved. Just not looking forward to talking to her tomorrow sad

Hissy Mon 05-Sep-16 00:14:31

Remember, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

You don't have to accept what she says, any more than you should agree to accept the blame for whatever she's concocted as a way to stop bring her attention to poor treatment of you.

Jennywallpaper Mon 05-Sep-16 15:18:15

So I still haven't heard from her, I really thought she'd have phoned me by now. The way we left it was she said she'd talk to me today, I took this as she would contact me. I'm getting more annoyed as the day goes on! angry

Allalonenow Mon 05-Sep-16 15:31:19

The business of "We'll talk tomorrow" is just another way of controlling you, and it has worked! You have waited all day for her to phone you, all the time getting more upset etc.
So she is letting you know that she is in control and will make you suffer, also you are upset so you are vulnerable when she does finally phone you, and you will be on the back foot in any argument with her today,
All typical narc behaviour, meant to keep you in your place. When she phones say you are not prepared to discuss it with her as she has missed her chance.

Hissy Mon 05-Sep-16 16:30:40

When she finally rings, I'm half expecting it to be never mentioned again.

How did you leave your complaint op?

Has she acknowledged it? Apologised? <pisses self laughing at ludicrous suggestion>

this is a stalling exercise to get your issue off the agenda, and if challenged again, only her issue will be wheeled out again.

Jennywallpaper Mon 05-Sep-16 19:19:29

Thanks for all your replies and your support! I ended up sending her a txt and then I called her blush But we've resolved all our issues and the air has been cleared. I think I stood my ground and even brought up some other issues and we talked about them as well. I really do think she heard what I had to say and understood my points. Hopefully things will move forward now as we usually have a great relationship! Thanks again everyone! flowers

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