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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What would you do

36 replies

kateshair · 04/09/2016 10:22

Right I've been seeing a lovely man now for 14 months all was going well... He's kind, keen and almost perfect.
Here's the problem.. We went out last week to a christening his mates.. All was going well I thought lots probably too much alcohol was consumed I know I had lots as I be up dancing with ease lol...
Anyway he has this friend that was there think alpha male loud etc... This man I guess I didn't warm too but that's life isn't it. Well he must have picked up on this as he seemed to target me a bit saying are you alright ? And he put his arm round me at one point I moved it off and then he turned a bit nasty with me verbally all done in my ear music etc loud so no one could really hear it... This upset me and of course with the alcohol when we got back I basically had a bit of a go at my new man.. He has never seen me like that and now I feeling as if he is going to go off me !
Mums netters how you deal with this ? Tia

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ImperialBlether · 04/09/2016 10:32

So your new man's friend was a creep and you have been horrible to your new man instead?

Aussiebean · 04/09/2016 10:34

Wait till you are both sober and calm. Then apologise for treating him badly.

Explain what happened and ask his advise on what to do if it happens again.

ElspethFlashman · 04/09/2016 10:36

Why did you have a go at him?

How was it his fault?

Just apologise and say you were lashing out at the wrong person and you're sorry about that.

MyKingdomForBrie · 04/09/2016 10:37

So the guy asked if you were alright, which doesn't seem offensive, why did you push his arm away etc? Smile nicely and retreat would have been better. Then you had a go at your boyfriend because..?

I would just apologise and hope he doesn't think too much of it.

kateshair · 04/09/2016 10:39

So it's ok to touch someone with out their consent is it ?

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ElspethFlashman · 04/09/2016 10:56

But why blow up at your boyfriend?

kateshair · 04/09/2016 11:02

Too much alcohol

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MyKingdomForBrie · 04/09/2016 11:06

It's the real world. People especially when drunk ocasionally put their arm around others. It's fine to not be comfortable with that and to stop him doing it but not sure why you'd make a big fuss about it.

As for blowing up at the boyfriend, well yeah he might go off you if he doesn't like the type of person who gets aggressive when drunk. I'd say that's worse than the kind of person who asks if you're ok and puts an arm around you.

spicyfajitas · 04/09/2016 11:41

It's fine to react however you react to someone touching you in a way that's unwanted. I wish I'd been more forceful when I was younger and not felt I had to be so polite about it.
Did your partner witness any if this? Did you feel he should have stayed closer to you and been more aware so that he could head his friend off?

kateshair · 04/09/2016 11:48

I wasn't aggressive !
I just moved the guys arm off me ...
If I'd have liked him I would have left it there.. Must be me then !!
I just said to boyfriend that he is a bit of a people pleaser which he is.. I am also thought not always clearly !

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kateshair · 04/09/2016 11:48

And yes maybe he should have stayed closer to me

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kateshair · 04/09/2016 11:50

Hmm thought I might have got a little more sisterly support

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spicyfajitas · 04/09/2016 11:53

I think the way you handled it would have been entirely appropriate for the situation. Only you you can read the situation you are in. Sometimes we are polite because we have been conditioned to be nice. Sometimes because it feels the safest way out of the situation. Sometimes someone needs telling very straight and I suspect this was such a man.

I hope your partner supports you on this and in future.

spicyfajitas · 04/09/2016 11:58

I'm just wondering what happened before you blew up at your boyfriend. Was he not very supportive? Did he minimise the situation?
Really, if it was out of the blue, you apologise and ask for support in future. But if he expected you to keep things smooth with your friend , it's going to take a bit more working out between you.

kateshair · 04/09/2016 12:00

Yes spicey ! I'm normally like that conditioned to be polite...
My barriers were done as alcohol played its part..I'm just a bit cross with myself as i could have dealt with it differently...in that I could have still moved his arm but not shown I was bothered by it all. .. I over think everything anyway most people would just shrug it off...

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kateshair · 04/09/2016 12:02

My boyfriend like I said is a people pleaser... He would avoid confrontation always.. I would too normally but like I said I was pissed.
I just told him he was a people pleaser

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spicyfajitas · 04/09/2016 12:02

You showed you were bothered by it and the correct response from someone who is not an arsehole is to apologise profusely on seeing your discomfort . Not abuse you further. I'm sorry you were put in such a shitty situation. Please don't continue to blame yourself.

kateshair · 04/09/2016 12:04

Thank you spicey..

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SandyY2K · 04/09/2016 12:38

I don't see why you had a go at your boyfriend. You could have told the other man you were fine and then shrugged his arm off and move closer to your BF.

Perhaps the man was just trying to be friendly. It's not like he sexually assaulted you and your boyfriend didn't come to your rescue.

Have you also thought that the guy also had a bit to drink, hence he loosened up and put his arm around you to ask if you were okay?

You're fine to make excuses for your behaviour due to alcohol, but not anyone else's.

Sisterly support isn't saying you're right when you're wrong BTW.

kateshair · 04/09/2016 14:30

Sandy why would I tell the other man I was fine when I wasn't ?
I have said already this man was your typical alpha male rough and ready ... He saw my discomfort yet still had a go at me

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MyKingdomForBrie · 04/09/2016 15:16

I meant aggressive to your BF, not to the drunk guy. I think that's the real point here, you are saying you had a go at your BF because you were drunk. If roles were reversed and he was an aggressive drunk you'd be told to LTB

Saltfish · 04/09/2016 15:23

Not to put Words in the OPs mouth but it was because he didn't defend her that she blew up.

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kateshair · 04/09/2016 16:06

The advice given here smacks of double standards... If I was talking about my partner touching me unwantedly I'd be hearing l t b...
Yes salt fish I blew up at partner as he didn't stick up for me....

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Saltfish · 04/09/2016 17:50

I understand. I would be very angry if my dp sat by and watched their friend bully me. Only because I would never allow my friend to do that them.

kateshair · 04/09/2016 17:51

Like I've said I wasn't aggressive to my b friend I basically just said where were you !
Very odd that most of you seem to blame me

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