Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband ended our marriage after taking me away for a great romantic weekend

(108 Posts)
Endofsummer Sat 03-Sep-16 16:57:10

We have gone to counselling this year (just finished), which aired a few problems, mainly around my husband being very evasive about our marriage.

He's happy to trot along and we are affectionate and happy most of the time.

However, any time a big problem strikes, with the children (we have step children and our own) or with us, he just backs off and says that 'he does not think he can give me what I need'. A few months later he usually admits that I had a point, the problem is sorted, but I am left to feel insecure around that time. He also doesn't take me out very much, so I end up socially on my own with friends more than is probably healthy.

Anway, in counseling a lot of this got aired, he made me feel much more secure by saying how much he really did want our marriage to work, and wanted me. The counselor suggested that he go for individual counseling to sort out his issues with being distance and backing off from problems (he had an alcoholic father). We both agreed to spend more time with each other.

So he is just going to start individual counseling. We've sorted loads out. We have been on a much more positive track for the past few months. We spend loads more time socializing together. The kids are happy. And we have a fantastic romantic weekend away where we got on amazingly.

And then yesterday he said he 'wanted to talk', and said that we should end it as 'he was never going to be able to give me what I need'...

Devastated. And also pretty angry. I kind of feel like I have been led up the garden path but can't put my finger on why I feel like this. I'll be left with our 3 year old too. sad

keepingonrunning Sat 03-Sep-16 17:39:24

I'm very sorry OP.
A few things you say make me wonder if he has an OW. Neglecting you emotionally (not taking you out for example), not supporting you when a big problem strikes and hot and cold behaviour towards you.
"He was never going to be able to give me what I need" sounds like an excuse to get out of the marriage and pin the blame on you.
I wonder if your feeling you have been led up the garden path is because he has been having his cake and eating it too, pretending to be a devoted H but sometimes his act has faltered when he's been unable to hide his ambivalent feelings towards you.
I really hope I am wrong. flowers

EarthboundMisfit Sat 03-Sep-16 17:41:08

His behaviour is peculiar and doesn't match his explanation. What do YOU think his motivation is?

Endofsummer Sat 03-Sep-16 18:39:22

I don't think it adds up. It feels wrong.

The weekend away was really nice, the most relaxed I'd felt in a long time. If anything it showed me how well we can get along. I just don't understand it. He did have some 'close' female friendships when I met him, that carried on when we were together. He isn't friends with him now, but I think he is capable of being emotionally involved. I don't know with you though?

He is very adamant that 'he is doing the right thing by me' and almost expected me to respect the fact that he was doing a good thing. What the hell? Yet in counseling he said he absolutely had to try everything possible to save our marriage.

What is going on? I feel shell shocked.

Endofsummer Sat 03-Sep-16 18:40:04

With 'you' ... Apologies

Endofsummer Sat 03-Sep-16 18:40:26

Should read with 'who'...

Wasafatmum42 Sat 03-Sep-16 20:41:47

hugs coming your way OP xxx unfortunately I agree with Keepon....... I was in a similar situation my exh bought me some flowers ,a bottle of expensive bubbly and a cd as he gave them to me I felt love and then the blow came `I'm leaving you I need space on my own` and weeks later found out he moved in with his OW

On Monday I suggest you need to go and do what you need to do at the bank if you have a joint account and I think things are going to move quickly , and if there are any asserts seek legal advice ASAP

xxx same here if I am wrong I do apologise sad

hmcAsWas Sat 03-Sep-16 20:46:27

I'm sorry OP but his level of commitment sounds half arsed. You should be able to rely on your partner and feel like you are both part of a team. I wouldn't battle to hold onto him sad

LuluJakey1 Sat 03-Sep-16 21:02:36

You are accepting second best from him. Many men are not like this. I have met plenty who are but then I met DH. He is kind, loving, funny, generous and my best friend. He always has my back. He spends every minute he can with me and Ds. I never doubt his commitment to us.
I put up with second gest many times before we met and it erodes your self-esteem. Let the bastard go. Get your paperwork and financial stuff sorted without telling him and see a solicitor. You deserve someone much much nicer who will put you first. You will cope just fine without him. flowers

ProphetOfDoom Sat 03-Sep-16 21:08:07

He sounds weak, indecisive and incapable of being worthy of your love.

I'm sure he has lovely traits or you wouldn't be with him but it does not sound as if he has the ability to put you first.

You also have to have faith in your partner, it's the basis of trust & respect, and his flakey behaviour has understandably eroded yours in him. Idk if he has someone else but if he has you can bet your boots it's dysfunctional given he's struggled to be full & functioning partner in yours.

This is not your fault. You can't fix what's faulty in him. But next steps should be about putting yourself first - whatever you need to feel safe & secure.

zebedeez Sat 03-Sep-16 21:14:01

Sorry op but I can't help agreeing with the others. My £'s on an OW.

ThoraGruntwhistle Sat 03-Sep-16 21:23:11

It sounds very much like he's setting himself to look like a hero instead of an arse when you tell people it's over.
'Oh I tried everything I could, counselling, more time together, trips away by ourselves... But it simply wouldn't work.' Then even if there is an OW involved, everyone slaps him on the back and congratulates him for trying.

Endofsummer Sat 03-Sep-16 21:28:07

Thanks posters. It doesn't feel right at all.

I felt that there was no honesty. Even if he believes that 'he cannot give me what I want'. Perhaps he has convinced himself of this. But I said to him 'Oh so you've given up on relationships full stop then... If you basically aren't able to function in one or give a relationship what it needs'. To which he was totally flummoxed.

I said, well it's either you are dysfunctional and incapable, - in which case you are going to now live a single life and not put another poor woman through this

or there is something you are not happy about with us - in which case we need to talk it through

Or you are not telling me something...

I really don't know what the hell is going on. I asked him why the romantic weekend away? He said 'because he missed those times with me, wanted to have good memories'.

I don't know what to do as I'm completely confused. And I'm also left holding the baby as it were. So cross! I've kicked him out for a while until I get my head together. Why would he say this now?

Endofsummer Sat 03-Sep-16 21:30:05

Thora I do feel that he wants to be the good man here. Framing it as 'saving me from a terrible relaitonship'. Rather than what it is, dumping me from a great height when we have a young child and not telling me why.

ravenmum Sat 03-Sep-16 21:44:14

Do you think he just went along with what the counsellor suggested to avoid confrontation?

QuintessentialShadow Sat 03-Sep-16 21:45:36

I am sorry but I think "I cannot give you what you want" is actually mean to be "You cannot give me what I want" - It sounds like he have been in this relationship rather absentmindedly, it has always been hard work and he has been emotionally distant.

LittleBeautyBelle Sat 03-Sep-16 21:54:24

He's using the phrase "I can't give you what you want" to make you feel there is something wrong with you and it's your fault.

He's an ass. A man who loves you and puts you first above all else would never say and do the things he's doing.

Be glad he's showing you who he really is and make a new life for yourself. I'm sorry for what you're going through. You won't find that loving man you deserve until you get rid of this awful person who is making your life a misery and putting your whole world revolving around his daily drama of he just can't hack what you "need" (love and faithfulness and fidelity and stability).

shitonit Sat 03-Sep-16 21:56:43

Does he just want out ? Doesn't want to change him self or make an effort? Easier to say you want too much and run away.

princessmi12 Sat 03-Sep-16 21:58:55

I think he took you on romantic weekend away to test his feelings to be able to decide what to do. He wanted to see if he can feel the spark, being in love and happy. Looks like he didn't feel it hence made final decision to split up days later.
Sorry OP looks like he's emotionally checked out.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 03-Sep-16 21:59:36

He's either completely malicious and didn't care at all about the impact on you when planning and carrying out his romantic weekend away, so he could "collect memories" and knowing he was misleading you to the extent that you'd be blindsided today, or he has an OW who suddenly seems more available to him now that he's taking you on weekends away... Neither is good.

TheStoic Sat 03-Sep-16 22:12:27

He's right - he can't give you what you want, if that's a loving, healthy relationship of equals.

I don't necessarily think there's an OW. I think he's just pathologically selfish and can no longer pretend to be able to maintain an adult relationship.

He sounds like he has an 'avoidant' attachment style, which you might be interested in googling.

In the meantime, proceed as if divorce is inevitable, and do the best for yourself and your kids.

AnotherPrickInTheWall Sat 03-Sep-16 22:35:36

He's not happy in the relationship ( I know I'm stating the obvious) but I think the " romantic weekend" is about his feelings of guilt.
He could have said; " Look Endof, I'm not happy being with you and I would like us to go our separate ways".
He has passed the blame onto you and for that reason my money is on there being an OW.
I'm so sorry you are going through this right now.
You will never get a straight answer from him because he is being evasive at a time when he could be brutally honest and tell it to your face he has met someone else or no longer loves you.
He sounds like such a an emotionally cold man; I think he has done you a favour in the long run. I think you need a partner not a selfish self absorbed plonker like him.

Endofsummer Sat 03-Sep-16 23:39:36

Thanks everyone. I just feel worn out and angry that I've been rejected.

The counselor said to him that he needed to go to individual counseling to confront his evasiveness, if our relationship was to have a chance. He agreed and had last week phoned the counselor to start these off.

And yet he doesn't seem to have a clue that he's doing just that right now.

Endofsummer Sat 03-Sep-16 23:40:22

That was the couples counselor who suggested that to him.

Endofsummer Sat 03-Sep-16 23:44:30

In our counseling he repeatedly said that he did love me, and wanted to make it work. But fell back initially on the 'but I don't think I'm the right person' etc. When the couples counselor confronted him to ask him exactly what that meant, it took about 3 weeks to get it out. He admitted he was happy and wanted to be with me and was damaging the relationship by being so avoidant.

He also talked to another counselor who said that this was common in children of alcoholics (my husband does not drink as his father was an alcoholic). I thought at last he is having some insight and actually dealing with it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now