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My wife cheated on me

(70 Posts)
CheatedDad Sat 03-Sep-16 11:05:37

I need advise. I am male and felt i need advise from the other perspective. Been married 16 years. I found an old mobile 4 weeks ago and asked wife what it was. She said one of our old ones. Alarm bells rang asto the location i found it. It was in our kids wardrobe under their clothes. It was pin blocked. I hid it and went straight down to mobile shop to get it sorted. Guy said it would take time. Went up north with wife and 4 kids all boys for break. She stayed as it was her mums and i came back after week for job purposes. Week later remembered mobile and went and got it. She had deleted alot but there was a memory card still in. First i saw numbers and recognised my male cousins number. Then the pictures all filthy all with her but then it got more filthy they both were having sex. Then the videos. I am talking porn style videos. In my bed in my house on my sofa and there was even a video of her giving him oral sex in my bathroom where the time suggested i was sleeping in the bedroom at the time.
I confronted her she told me all. It started 2 and a half years ago lasted 1 year 8 months. She even had sex whilst she knew she pregnant with my fourth child (we just had paternity. He is mine). She says it ended last year. Says mobile was there as she deleted all and had threw sim. She was going to throw the phone but did not want me to find so hid it until bin day. The records on mobile do show that she not lying about timeline.
I did suspect something two years ago and then she made out i was mad called the police said i was threatening her called my parents and made them take me as i was evil for saying those things. She could have ended it with him then because it was him i suspected her with.

She is remorseful. She says she wants me. She says she loves me. Reasons for the actions she says cos she had a miscarraige (we lost at 5 months few years ago) and did not take it well. She says i stopped caring and loving her and she wanted attention and he gave it to her. She says they talked he listened and that sex was just something they did after. She says he meant nothing and he knew it and he was jealous of me cos he knew she loved me.
I am in a big dilemma. I love her and always will. The kids are my priority and the older one whose 15 wants me to stayfor his sake cos he says he wont live with her.

A big part of me wants to forgive and forget but it is alot of deceit. I am finding it too hard. Please advise me. Children are 15,8, 5, 5 months.
Am i not seeing straight? please help

CheatedDad Sat 03-Sep-16 11:10:14

She is very remorseful and cries all the time. She wants me and says she loves me. This is making my decision very hard

Skweeki Sat 03-Sep-16 11:15:29

Didn't want to read and run. You need space to work out what you want to see happen. Is there anywhere you- or she- can go for a night or two, just to give you some breathing space? I've never been through this, but I can't imagine it's possible to make any decisions regarding the future if you're still under the same roof. flowers

12hours Sat 03-Sep-16 11:16:09

I take the point that she was suffering and may have gone to him for affection. I do not agree that this is right or somehow ok. However, what I cannot get over is the porn-style videos taken inside your home. I really don't know what to tell you. Only you know her and whether she is lying and whether you can trust her. Did she say why they finished? Was it because she felt guilty. I am so sorry this has happened to you, you must be in bits.

Herald Sat 03-Sep-16 11:18:19

Really sorry you are going through this and She maybe remorseful but it's not her decision or your sons , at the end of the day it's all about whether you can deal with having a relationship with someone that basically is trying to turn her infidelity onto you . My now exw has an affair and did a lot less but I couldn't carry on knowing what she had done .

BolshierAryaStark Sat 03-Sep-16 11:20:01

Whilst she may have been grieving & it can take on strange forms, I'm afraid I couldn't forgive this level of deceit.
It was a long term thing & the pics, videos etc are just vile tbh-not to mention giving him a BJ whilst you were asleep in the same house & videoing it, seriously wtf?
She's remorseful because she's been found out, she didn't tell you about it, she even denied it & called the police when you confronted her previously. To put it bluntly she didn't give a shit about you or your family while she was enjoying him balls deep in her.
Only you know if you can move past this but don't do it for the DC, staying with someone for the sake of children very rarely works out & can even end up being damaging to them.

HappyJanuary Sat 03-Sep-16 11:22:44

The phone wasn't hidden until bin day, it was hidden so she could look at the content.

Why did their relationship end? Would you be able to talk to your cousin to ascertain the truth?

You want to stay together because you love her and want to preserve your family life, but you can't unknow any of this and so the family life you had is already gone.

I think you need some thinking space to avoid a knee jerk reaction. Where do you want to be in five years, ten? With someone else who values you properly, single, or still looking for hidden phones and feeling like a mug?

She's crying because she's been found out and is potentially looking at a very different future. It is a shame she didn't think about what she stood to lose during the 20 months she was fucking someone else.

CheatedDad Sat 03-Sep-16 11:26:16

She said last 6 years i was not showing her affection. I dont mean sex but emotionally. She wanted attention. Also i did have a habit of teasing her with his name cos i suspected he fancied her. She says i put them to bed as i put his name in her mind. So when she wanted attention she went to him. As a friend first then it got more.

CheatedDad Sat 03-Sep-16 11:29:06

Please i need some light. I am very alone at the moment. No friends know only her family and mine. Icant even tell my best frornds as they narried and then chinese whispers

Herald Sat 03-Sep-16 11:29:18

This is a classic tactic of trying to blame you for her disgusting actions , only you know if you can carry on but I very much doubt you will be able to do . So you really want a life of wondering where she is and with who ?

CheatedDad Sat 03-Sep-16 11:34:49

She says she always wanted to end after it got sexual. But he did not let it. After 4 months i suspected and police called. Me and my family never talked to him again. He told her he lost his family cos of her. He is an aslum seeker and in contact with home office asylum seeking. He told her if she leaves he wont have anyone else. She says she carried on out of guilt for him. She says she stopped cos she always tried and baby being mine hurt him and she was able to break off

HappyJanuary Sat 03-Sep-16 11:34:58

She is following the cheater's script of rewriting history and blaming you.

If she wasn't happy what did she do about it? Did she try to discuss these issues with you, book counselling, raise the subject of separation?

Of course it's not your fault for raising his name, that's ridiculous. If she'd mentioned a female friend to you, would you have seen that as permission to shag said friend for 20 months?

And if she was so unhappy, if it was an exit affair, why is she still there begging you to give her another chance?

No. She was moderately bored, as many people are during periods of long relationships, and enjoyed having some exciting extra-marital fun that she hoped you'd never find out about.

CheatedDad Sat 03-Sep-16 11:36:47

My parents are saying if i confront him it will encourage him to oen uto all including our extended family and therefore make this filthy secret public

HappyJanuary Sat 03-Sep-16 11:36:49

The baby being yours probably did hurt him, because she'd told him you no longer had sex with her. I wouldn't be surprised if he broke it off because he realised she wasn't in some sort of sexless sham marriage on the brink of divorce.

HappyJanuary Sat 03-Sep-16 11:39:00

Who cares if it's made public, what have you done wrong? The more people know, the more support you'll have. Do what you need to, irrespective of family 'advice' to sweep it under the carpet. Why should you have to keep her secret?

headinhands Sat 03-Sep-16 11:40:35

So the affair was everyone's fault but hers. She's not taking responsibility. You can't forgive someone who isn't sorry.

Iamdobby63 Sat 03-Sep-16 11:42:49

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Please don't take the blame for her having an affair, if there was fault in a marriage then a person should try to work through it with their spouse, not have an affair.

Nobody can actually tell you what to do but the suggestion of time apart is a good one as it will give you time to think more clearly as to whether you want to try to work through this depending on how you now view your wife.

You could also try couples counselling if you wanted to work on your marriage.

Do remember that she is the one who broke this and it would be up to her to do everything she can to rebuild trust etc.

headinhands Sat 03-Sep-16 11:42:54

And how does him filming her sucking his cock relate in anyway to the affair being about emotional support. Last time I spoke to a friend when I was upset they didn't expect me to perform oral sex afterwards. She's taking the proverbial.

DamnGood314 Sat 03-Sep-16 11:46:06

If it was ''just some guy'' I would really think about what you wanted from your future, but your cousin shock

If a bf of mine cheated on me with my cousin, that would make it twice as bad in my eyes.

But then some people don't factor humiliation in to the decision. For me it's important that a partner publicly respects me as well as privately respecting me too, iykwim.

CheatedDad Sat 03-Sep-16 11:46:16

Truth of the matter is i love her alot. I still do. She is very sorry.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sat 03-Sep-16 11:46:57

Hi OP. Your marriage is over. Someone who would lie to you, lie to her lover, lie to the police to save face: is this someone you could live the rest of your life with? A quiet divorce with you as the resident parent seems to be the best solution.

Iamdobby63 Sat 03-Sep-16 11:48:44

Ok, but she needs to take responsibility and not blame you.

Perhaps think on couples counselling in that case, in order to try and move forward you need to be able to get out the hurt and betrayal.

CheatedDad Sat 03-Sep-16 11:49:25

Right now she is obliged to tell me every detail of the relationship and answer what i ask her. Therefore its like for me all questions answered. But i can see the pain she going through ehen i ask snd when she answers

DamnGood314 Sat 03-Sep-16 11:50:38

ps, you can't stay to please the 15 year old. If you make that decision it has to be yours. I think it would be an upheaval for the 15 year old for sure, and he/she clearly knows about it all which would be overwhelming for a 15 year old but they should know that it's ok to end a relationship if you want to.

I think it's a bad message to send kids that adults can be cornered in to staying in a relationship. That goes for plenty of women on here too.

CheatedDad Sat 03-Sep-16 11:51:18

Sorry if i sound like some idiot that cant see the obvious but truth is i am hurting so bad

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