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Another fucking married man.

(112 Posts)
ReallyFuckedOffAboutThis Fri 02-Sep-16 12:03:30

I'm not posting and running, although I am going out shortly so I won't be back for a while to respond.

I'm posting this here because I, obviously, can't tell anyone in real life but I'm really fucked off about it.

I've been on here for ages and I have been pretty vocal about how lack lustre/utterly non existent my love life is and how crap my experience with men has been. Aside from the few married men who've assumed I must be desperate and tried it on, no one is ever interested.

I am friends with a couple. I am close friends with them as a couple and with them independently of each other. This means that we spend a lot of time together with our children as families, but that I also go out for lunch/cinema/pub/exercising with each of the couple. It's fine. Nothing untoward has ever happened. All is good.

I know things aren't great between them at the moment and hasn't been for a couple of years or so. They've both told me this. They, obviously, have different perspectives, but the facts are the same. I think they each know the other talks to me but I never discuss the what the other person has said. But I do bear it in mind if I'm offering advice. Mostly neither of them want advice particularly, just to offload.

They are the perfect facebook family. FB is full of "my awesome family", "what would I do without my wonderful wife" and "my amazing hubby" type posts with the occasional #family thrown in. Lots of replies about how lucky they are and beautiful family... You know the sort.

Anyway... last week I went out somewhere with the husband. Nothing untoward, his wife knew, no problem, we often do it. And what did he do? Yep, he told me that he wasn't going to leave or anything, but that he loved me and would love to have the 'whole package' with me. I'm not quite sure if he was proposing an affair because I shut it down pretty quickly. I've seen them both since and it wasn't mentioned. I'm no different with either of them, but I will make sure I'm not on my own with him again.

There's no point telling her, I know (because I know her well) that she won't believe me, she will assume I have encouraged him somehow and she would drop me as a friend before she even challenged him about it.

I have very strong boundaries. Nothing will happen. But I'm fucked off that it's happened; it annoys me to read all the shit on FB about what a wonderfully happy family they are; and I'm fucked off that no one single is interested! Not really looking for advice, just having a rant.

Fucking ridiculous fucking arrogant fucking men.

ReallyFuckedOffAboutThis Fri 02-Sep-16 12:08:23

She'll assume I encouraged it because it's easier than addressing it with him.

Selfimproved Fri 02-Sep-16 12:08:56

Can you ditch them both? If she wouldn't believe you then really he could say anything to his wife. You should end this situation before he does.

ishouldcocoa Fri 02-Sep-16 12:11:47

Obviously I don't know the finer details, but its not come as a complete surprise that he's done this.

People just don't think things through before they engage their brain, do they?

flowers because I'm not sure what to advise, but maybe a bit of distance between you and the "Happy Couple" for a bit? Sounds like their marriage is heading for a crash

ReallyFuckedOffAboutThis Fri 02-Sep-16 12:12:37

I don't really want to. They are very dear and old friends (this aside). He won't say anything because he won't leave. He's not looking to do that. He doesn't want to rock the boat or anything. I don't think he'd say anything unless I did first. I don't want to ditch them.

I don't want to lose her, I don't want to disrupt things there, it's more of a rant about the fact he did it and, presumably, thought I'd be flattered by it! I don't know.

I mean, we all find other people attractive now and again, but this isn't on.

LoveRosie2008 Fri 02-Sep-16 12:12:43

Happens more than you think! Watch out the wife doesn't come after you thinking you are after them! I have had experience of such matters.

ReallyFuckedOffAboutThis Fri 02-Sep-16 12:14:44

cocoa They don't, no. Yes, a bit of distance might be a good idea for a while at least. I don't know, maybe it will head for a crash, who can say. I think she will do anything to keep it together and he pushes it to just the right side of acceptable to her.

Probably not hugely healthy, but it's not my marriage.

ReallyFuckedOffAboutThis Fri 02-Sep-16 12:15:32

Perhaps I'm just really naive. It never even occurred to me that it might.

ReallyFuckedOffAboutThis Fri 02-Sep-16 12:16:14

Anyway, got to go out now. I just really wanted to have got it out somewhere. I've been walking around with it in my head for a week or so now!

Czerny88 Fri 02-Sep-16 12:39:11

Yep, the only interest I've had in the last few years has been from married men (several) or men who "don't want anything serious". Pisses me right off.

ImperialBlether Fri 02-Sep-16 12:42:56

he told me that he wasn't going to leave or anything, but that he loved me and would love to have the 'whole package' with me

God, how could you resist that? What a twat that man is.

toffeeboffin Fri 02-Sep-16 12:48:27

As you said OP there's no point in mentioning it to the wife, she'd assume you did the chasing and encouraged him. It's always the woman's fault.

I'd give them both a wide berth really, how do you move on from him and his sleaziness? Yuck confusedenvy

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 02-Sep-16 12:52:58

Yes, I've had that too. I also shut it down politely but firmly. Hard to be friends after that though. It always poisons the atmosphere.

Be warned, in 100% of the cases with me, I later discover that the bloke starts engaging in character assassination of me with his DW (and others sometimes).

I think it is a combination of needing to discredit me in advance in case I say anything and of being stung by the rejection so wanting to have a go at me somehow. Friendship poison.

Batteriesallgone Fri 02-Sep-16 12:56:58

The 'whole package'? What disgusting language. The whole package is love, cohabitation, sharing hopes and dreams.

Not just shagging! Oh OP I feel so sorry for you. What a horrible man.

And yes he will character assassinate you now. I would bet money on that. Sorry.

LoveRosie2008 Fri 02-Sep-16 13:15:25

Yes how could I forget the character assignations as well, just to protect himself incase you now tell his wife.

specialsubject Fri 02-Sep-16 13:23:23

He just wants to get into a different pair of knickers. You ( rightly) have more self worth than that. Be thankful you are not his wife !! She may have decided to put up with this, that is her decision.

I would find some different friends.

AnyFucker Fri 02-Sep-16 13:24:35

Op, you need to be aware he will have already started to drip a little bit of poison about you into his wife's ear. Just a bit of insurance for him in case you ever decided to spill the beans

I think you are naive to think you can still have the same close and friendly relationship with them that you (thought) you had before

Don't be surprised if you slowly get frozen out, by them and by others connected to them

Grossly unfair. But be warned.

Justaboy Fri 02-Sep-16 13:27:19

"Fucking ridiculous fucking arrogant fucking men"

Come on!" we're not all bastards. I kept the faith whilst my ex meddled around, happens both ways you know.

Don't believe all that you read, only 60% or less is true anyway. As readers of the daily hail and the xpress will know, or maybe they won't.

Perhaps best not to go out with him alone anymore.

Do many women do that I wonder? Seems a fertile ground for bother of one sort of the other.

DidyouseeEthel Fri 02-Sep-16 13:30:57

Definitely expect the character assassination A similar thing happened to my sister, while they were in a pub waiting for his wife he told her she had beautiful eyes and sexy legs. She gave him the death stare, which encouraged him to tell her he sometimes thought of her when 'you know...'. She didn't even acknowledge what he said but she has a very expressive face and I would think her disgust was obvious. Anyway, her friend has completely ghosted her since so she's assumed he's told a completely different version of that conversation.

Scarftown Fri 02-Sep-16 13:32:46

I was in a very similar situation. they have split and it's got nasty. I'm just hoping I won't be dragged in at any point.

I distanced myself slightly from both and said nothing.

opensideno7 Fri 02-Sep-16 13:42:17

I am also somewhat confused, as he was wanting the whole package (which I would deem marriage etc.) when he isn't prepared to leave his wife?

HuskyLover1 Fri 02-Sep-16 13:45:06

This sounds utterly draining. I would detach from them both, tbh.

mumofthemonsters808 Fri 02-Sep-16 13:50:34

You see this doesn't really surprise me, I've got to the cynical stage where I just presume a single women hanging around with a married couple will be fair game for the predatry husband. Obviously, not all husbands involved in this type of friendship will behave inappropriately, but this tale really is as old as time. I feel sorry for you OP and understand that you don't want to loose the wife's friendship, but you can either distance yourself from them both, carry on as though nothings happened or just ensure you are not alone with him.Either way, I don't think your relationship will ever be the same again, he crossed the line, but I doubt he's ashamed of himself, he'll probably strike again soon, what a twat.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 02-Sep-16 13:51:11

Or...Games People Play...
He may continue as nothing happened and try again with you in a sort of 'wear you down' scenario, or as a seduction challenge.
Or
He is using you to make his wife notice him more? If you are seen as a problem, they could come together with more connection between themselves in opposition to you.
Or
He wants to start a cat fight between you and his wife and sit back for the entertainment.

Nothing good will come of staying connected to this couple. Fill your schedule with other things pronto. Besides, hanging around with this couple lessens your chance of meeting single guys-especially if they see you hanging around a married man (if you aren't related to him somehow). You know you are not messing around with him, but other folks might have a different idea about it (and maybe said something to the bloke - thus his attempt.)

WeAllHaveWings Fri 02-Sep-16 13:55:01

It sounds like you have a really unhealthy relationship going on with this married couple, you need to set stronger boundaries than you have.

I would insist you do not want to discuss their relationship problems as you are friends with both and, unless you relish the drama, it puts you in an uncomfortable position even if you do "bear it in mind when offering advice". Tell them to talk to each other or someone else not so involved.

He did a twatish thing, you shut him down, hopefully that will be the end of it, if not distance yourself from both of them.

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