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Carrying a HUGE secret around - nervous wreck & don't know what to do!

(7 Posts)
leanandgreen Thu 01-Sep-16 20:38:08

DP and I have been together for eight years and have been trying for a baby just over a year - about to start IVF as his swimmers are mainly swimming in the wrong direction.

To cut a long story short DP was abused as a child (he told me this very early into our relationship) and it has, 'in the past; (quote), made him feel the urge to DTD with the same sex. He told me that he had done this once before and wouldn't do it again but still, sometimes, has the fantasy. I told him at the time to just be honest with me, always.

We have been so strong together and I have never worried about him cheating. However, the other day, I found a message from about four months ago, to a guy on one of those casual websites. It really upset me and I confronted him about it. He told me that he hasn't done anything and that he wouldn't. I believe that he hasn't cheated (physically) anyway. It's not so much that now - he hasn't apologised. I feel like because he knows in his head that he hasn't done anything physically, he hasn't done anything wrong and has nothing to worry about or apologise for. Bearing in mind that we have been trying for a child now for a long time and he has mainly turned DTD down, with me and blamed it on being 'too scheduled'. I am upset and I don't know where to go from here, I love him so much but I feel that my trust has been betrayed and I have no idea how you get over that.

Sorry for the long message!!!!!!!!

Hoppinggreen Thu 01-Sep-16 20:42:09

Sounds like he's gay or bisexual.
I would reconsider your future with this man, partly because he's unsure of his sexuality and partly because he's betrayed you ( doesn't matter with who). How do you know he has only thought about a casual hook up with a man? He's probably already done it or plans to

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops Thu 01-Sep-16 21:13:00

He is clearly gay. All the signs are there he just doesn't want to be the bad bastard and say it. Read between the lines and let him go so you can both be happy with your chosen paths.

Trifleorbust Thu 01-Sep-16 21:20:13

Oh, OP, this is such a horrible situation for you. But, based on what you have said about his sex drive, admitting to homosexual fantasies and contacting men, you can't trust him to remain faithful AND he seems to be hiding latent homosexuality or bisexuality from you. These are not good signs for the future, am so sorry.

Lucked Thu 01-Sep-16 21:28:43

Could it be that he is repressing his true sexual orientation because it reminds him of abuse which was presumably by a man.

He sounds like he needs a lot of counselling and I don't think I would carry on in the relationship.

PotteringAlong Thu 01-Sep-16 21:39:12

I think he's gay and I think you need to confront this with him before you start IVF

Resilience16 Fri 02-Sep-16 17:38:41

If he is registered on hook up sites and sees nothing wrong with that then I'm sorry but I wouldn't trust him. The intent is there to cheat, regardless of whether he has or hasn't done it as yet. Only you can decide if that's a deal breaker for you.
Put the IVF on hold and have a full and frank talk.
Good luck

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