Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Would you divorce this man?

(97 Posts)
Changednameforthisthread1981 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:18:17

I'm a regular but worried about being found by dh.

I have been married 6 years, 2 children (3&6). I have asked him to move out and I intend on seeking a divorce. But then I find myself questioning myself. I would so appreciated some thoughts. Am I expecting too much?

The positives
My husband is a fundamentally good man.
I trust him absolutely
He is a fantastic provider. Works very hard and is now on a very high income that allows me to be a SAHM and for us to enjoy a very comfortable life
He is a brilliant father. Loves being a father. They adore him

The negatives
He is a very hard man. Unsympathetic if I'm ill or worried about something
He is a critical man. If I do anything 'wrong', he picks me up on it. He will assume that I'm always at fault in any situation with a third party e.g. Messed up dinner reservation? It is because I did something wrong. Taxi running late? I just have cocked up timings.
He gets moody, and they are very stony moods that can go on.
He is quite cold. Used to be lots of affection, but now no 'I love you', no pet names, very limited cuddles. I continue to give this.
He cannot deal with stress and get incredibly uptight. Which is odd, considering he has a highly stressful job. But if the slightest thing goes wrong, he will have a tantrum. Will cancel plans, refuse to do what we'd agreed. Over very small things e.g. He didn't wear a suit jacket to a christening, when he saw all the other men were wearing suit jackets, he stormed off outside the church, leaving me alone with bewildered friends and our children.

So you see it's nothing like the hardship some
Mumsnetters experience, but it does feel like life with him is not a pleasure. We have our good times, and that's what stops me going full throttle, but the good times are outweighed by the bad times. We have done relate, twice, and will not do again.

Would love some thoughts.

Thank you

adora1 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:23:43

He sounds a nightmare to live with and if the bad times outweigh the good then it's time to move on, in fact, he sounds pretty abusive.

HandyWoman Thu 01-Sep-16 16:28:21

He sounds like a spoiled child. What happens when he throws these tantrums? Do you pussyfoot around him? If so your dc are learning to do the same, both now and in their adult intimate relationships.

Having said that, it sounds as though, in your heart of hearts, you know what to do. It can't feel as though he loves you... In which case time to make the leap...

flowers

Buzzardbird Thu 01-Sep-16 16:28:54

You sound pretty miserable so I don't think you should stay together. If you are not getting anything out of it, there is no point.

Changednameforthisthread1981 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:34:41

Yes, I know in my heart. I just feel devastated for the children. We put on a very good front to them, sometimes it's genuine and others it is just a front. They adore him, my daughter adores "our family".

He is so impatient and unpleasant to his parents. I was gobsmaxked the first time I saw him interact with them. 10 years later, he treats me like them. I will advise my daughter to consider how any possible husbands treat their parents as I think a good indicator as to how they will treat their words ten years down the line.

Anyway, I digress. I don't kick up a big fuss when he has a tizzy fit because I don't want to upset the children, and also I don't really "feel" it. If you know what I mean. I will try to explain. I have known shocking stress in my life, I won't go in to details, but it involves my parents, it involves alcoholism, mental illness, sectioning, dementia and ultimately death. So because I have known that kind fosters and heartache, so much of his behaviour seems ridiculous and I just can't bring myself to get too exercised about it. However I now see that it is chipping away at me.

Changednameforthisthread1981 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:35:08

Words should read wives

MrsBertBibby Thu 01-Sep-16 16:35:11

He's not that fantastic a father if he doesn't show his kids what a respectful, loving, tolerant and good-humoured relationship looks like. He is teaching your kids to think you're an idiot. Not OK.

RiverTam Thu 01-Sep-16 16:35:56

I bet he doesn't throw tantrums at work when he gets stressed. He does it at home because it's not important to him.

It doesn't sound great, and clearly he has issues he needs to deal with. I guess it depends on a) if he ever would acknowledge and then deal with those issues and b) if you want you and the DC to stick around while he does, or thinks about it, or whatever.

Bythebeach Thu 01-Sep-16 16:40:12

If something goes wrong, you say he thinks the fault lies with you. This suggests he has no respect for you and thinks very little of your worth-I do not think you can remain with him and retain your own self-respect.

missyB1 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:42:49

Does he ever admit to or acknowledge his criticisms of you or his tantrums? In other words does he have any insight at all into his behaviour? If not then he is never going to change, I suspect that's why relate didn't work.
Life is to short to be with someone who doesn't make us happy. And this front you both put on for the kids isn't real and one day they will work that out and potentially feel very betrayed.

Changednameforthisthread1981 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:43:29

But there's rarely screaming matches, and often we have nice times. But more often than not, there's tension and bickering.

Am I expecting too much from a marriage?

Changednameforthisthread1981 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:46:08

He does recognise his behaviour as being negative, he really does.

But it is far too ingrained in him to change. He has not admitted it but it hangs in the air

Changednameforthisthread1981 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:46:32

I am so grateful for all your perspectives, thank you

adora1 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:46:39

Jesus, no you are not expecting too much, it's called mutual respect, love and admiration for each other, he treats you with contempt, your children are watching and learning that the little old lady keeps the peace and the man is way more important, not a good lesson to teach your daughter OP, whether you like it or not, this is what she is learning from you both. I also think he's a crap dad to emotionally abuse the mother of his children.

SparklyStarShit Thu 01-Sep-16 16:47:55

It won't get any better. Get out now whilst kids are still young <bitter experience>

Crispsheets Thu 01-Sep-16 16:48:23

Yes I would and I did.
You are worth more than this.

missyB1 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:48:30

If he knows what he's doing to the relationship then he has an obligation to address it surely? If he's not prepared to then you simply have to decide if you want to carry on putting up with it all. When the kids are grown and gone what is going to be left for you in this marriage?

Gardenbirds123 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:51:38

What does he say about his behaviour when you ask him about it?

Changednameforthisthread1981 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:54:19

Garden, he used to be sorry and upset about his behaviour. Now there's almost a defiant "I have improved, but ultimately this is me"

Those of you have done this, did you have happy times or was it unrelentingly bleak? I think that's why I'm hesitating, because there are good times, but as I say, outweighed by remoteness and the odd tizzy fit thrown in.

Yes, that's in. He is very remote. Work is a source of extreme stress. I get that, but he is remote and cold quite often I'm honest. Not all the time, but often

missyB1 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:59:03

I was married to a sulker who was also capable of being very cold when the mood took him. Yes there were occasional happy times and he liked to spoil me with gifts etc but ultimately the sulking and coldness killed the marriage and I left.

Mojito7 Thu 01-Sep-16 16:59:04

OP - how does he react when you talk about divorce? Is he actually going to move out and what would his perspective be? You mention you've already done Relate twice. Do you think he has any self- insight?

Changednameforthisthread1981 Thu 01-Sep-16 17:00:32

He thinks it is an enormous mistake. "99.99% about the children". He said to me.

He said that everything I have told him are "valid criticisms". But at NO point he has even hinted that he will change. He did mention "working on our marriage"

He has insight. He knows he is a difficult man.

Crispsheets Thu 01-Sep-16 17:01:06

I had a lightbulb moment when I realised he was "nice" in front of his friends. But not to me.
He made me on edge, family holidays were awful because he was unpredictable. I told him he was unhinged one day and should get help.

Changednameforthisthread1981 Thu 01-Sep-16 17:01:27

Relate helped, for a bit. But we did it twice and here we are despite that. To be returning yet again and not quite married six years speaks volumes to me

Mojito7 Thu 01-Sep-16 17:02:46

Sorry cross-post. Remoteness and coldness are a classic sign of stress. My DH gets like this periodically because he doesn't know how to talk about his feelings.

The moods, criticisms, etc are all ways of offloading his own stress and angst into you, without having to verbalise what's actually bothering him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now