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I'm going to be alone forever aren't I?

(16 Posts)
hooveringhamabeads Tue 30-Aug-16 22:41:31

So, very long story short, I have 2 dc, age 6 and 12. My eldest sees her dad but the youngest is NC with hers. Her father was very abusive to me and it's taken a long time to rebuild my life and feel kind of ok in myself again.

I don't have much in the way of family support, and dd2 doesn't really have any friends (suspect ASD). So she never gets asked on play dates or to parties or anything. She can be so lovely when she wants to be but she is totally exhausting, she never runs out of energy and she drains me.

I've been on a few dates over the last few years, some of which have developed into relationships. They have all ended, I fear, because of the situation with dd2. Here's a brief synopsis of what happened:

Bloke 1. Really liked him. He was successful, funny, into loads of the same things as me. Had 2 daughters of his own who he was absolutely besotted with, and his life revolved around them. I think he started to wobble about everything when dd2 was clearly getting attached to him. She really thought he was the bees knees (she was 3-4 at the time). I think dd2 not having a dad at all freaked him out, like it would somehow be taking something away from his own kids if he was going to step into that role with dd2.

Bloke 2. Again, I was super keen on him. He had a dd the same age. His dd and my dd would scrap like small children do and he just couldn't handle it. He'd get really stressed out which in turn would stress me out. He blamed my dd for it all, to be fair it probably was mostly her that started it but his dd was no angel. The crunch point came when he decided he didn't want to come on holiday with us because he found dd2 too stressful. I didn't really see a way forward from that and ended it.

Bloke 3: was super duper keen right up until he met dd2, then went distinctly cold. I think the lack of me having any time away from her to go and do stuff was a problem too.

Before anyone gasps in horror that dd2 has been introduced to all these men, it has been over a 3 year period. I have very limited options for getting time away to date and so once I have made up my mind that I would definitely be interested in Persuing a relationship with someone, it is inevitable that she is going to have to meet them Before too long as my mum will have her for a night very rarely but that is literally the extent of my options.

I feel that in the situation I'm in, it's very unlikely that anyone is going to come along who is really up for accepting me and my situation as it is. But I am so lonely and so fed up with being on my own. I'm not getting any younger (or prettier!) and feel that time is running out to find someone. I'm not looking for a dad for her, just someone who I can have a laugh with at the end of the day and share my life with. I am nursing my hurt feelings after bloke 3 at the moment, and so down that every time I open up to someone and develop feelings for them they invariably shit on me. I'm not sure I can go through that again.

pocketsaviour Tue 30-Aug-16 23:20:18

You've got a sample size of three, and you're extrapolating your entire future on this tiny, non-statistically viable sample? Come on.

SN children can be a big barrier for the average suitor, but you have the advantage that anyone who overcomes that barrier is the solid sort.

hooveringhamabeads Wed 31-Aug-16 00:17:44

Ohhhh no, the sample size is far larger than 3! There's all the ones that I went on dates with and swiftly decided no thank you.

The 3 I mentioned were ones that I really genuinely liked everything about, and probably stupidly let myself fall for. And then got very hurt.

How many in total were your kids subjected to? Even if just the 3, that's one a year!!!!! Too much.

You won't be alone forever but you need to take things away from playing families so much. Develop and check compatibility and wait ages before he meets the kids.

I would hazard a guess that you're jumping too soon and that could also ruin relationships

hooveringhamabeads Wed 31-Aug-16 00:44:13

It's not a case of playing families, as I explained in my OP I have dd2 ALL
OF THE TIME, so spending time with people away from her is impossible. My mum will have her very occasionally, I get babysitters sometimes but at £7 per hour I just don't have the money as a single parent to constantly pay babysitters. The three people she has met were only introduced once I THOUGHT I was pretty sure about them and vice versa, but yes in an ideal world I would have left it longer.

pieceofpurplesky Wed 31-Aug-16 00:56:33

I have DS 99% of the time. When exh bothers to have him all I want to do is collapse in a heap! DS is an insomniac.
I would never introduce him to someone though - unless serious - the person would have to accept that

You still should not be introducing them! If you honestly cannot think of any other way then remember your kids come first.

However, given you've managed to strike up 3 relationships and have several other dates in 3 years you must be getting some time to yourself as that's far more than many single parents do, even if they have regular childcare!

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 31-Aug-16 08:01:42

Christ alive. I have no kids and haven't had a date in 5 years. I'd say you were doing far better than me and therefore I'm far more likely to be on my own forever than you. That should give you comfort, there are people without your supposed barriers who can't even get dates!

Runoutoftime16 Wed 31-Aug-16 08:03:57

A bit harsh on here today. What I would say is do group activities with the kids at the weekend where you will meet dads in a similar situation. Library's and halls and local places often run craft or activitys especially over the holidays that are really cheap or free to join in that you can do with your kids.

Lessthanaballpark Wed 31-Aug-16 08:17:02

OP ignore triptrap's judgeypant views, the clue is in her username. You introduce when you see fit. DD isn't scarred by this, I take, so fuck the judgement.

Onto your problem...

Yes it's shit. I also have an SN child and although his SN didn't really affect any relationship I had, being a single mum did because some men don't even want a child in the mix.

About 6 years ago I decided that dating was impacting on my life with DS because it was filling my head with the usual stresses and anxieties and stopping me enjoying my time with DS.

So I stopped and it's been a lot easier. The only negative part is what other people think of my situation. Why don't you give yourself a break from dating? Children do grow up and become easier to handle and you will have chances later.

QueenofFatAsses Wed 31-Aug-16 08:20:17

Introduced you kids to who you want!
So long as you are not walking in saying here is your new daddy.
I have friends over to the house all the time sometimes I have new friends over that none of my children have met before.
This does not traumatise them!

OP my daughter has ASD, I was a single mum for 3 years I am pretty sure there is a dating site for single parents of children with different needs.
You won't be alone for ever x

QueenofFatAsses Wed 31-Aug-16 08:22:04

www.kwink.com/dating-community/parents-of-disabled-children

Poppiesway Wed 31-Aug-16 08:51:50

I've been single for 8 years. Both the 2 people I've introduced (after 6 months dating) to my dc vanished thereafter. They knew about ds2 (he has Asperger's) but were unable to deal/cope with him.
Others that I've dated (not introduced to dc) have not liked that I don't have much free time and cannot do things at the drop of a hat. (Ex dp does not have them weekends etc).
I'm not bothering to even think about dating now.

Helloooooooo Wed 31-Aug-16 09:04:29

I am in the same situation (dc with special needs, little support) and I have had to give up on dating and it's less stressful all round.

As well as considering the children's needs, I felt it wasn't fair on the guys as I had to keep cancelling or working around the children, snatching a free hour or two here and there. I have had to accept I am just not in a position to have a relationship at the moment.

If I were you I would just take a break at the moment. Maybe it will be easier as your dd gets older (not for me btw, it's harder, but you never know!)

hooveringhamabeads Wed 31-Aug-16 19:59:53

Thanks for the non judgey responses. I've pretty much been on my own for the last 11 years, and actually I've been fine about it most of that time. But recently something has changed and I actually really want someone to share my life with, before I was quite meh about the whole thing even when I was seeing someone. Maybe I finally feel ready to settle down! I just don't see it happening though.

twistyspaghetti Thu 01-Sep-16 08:27:43

I have a DS with severe ASD and I was a single mum for 12 years, no contact with the dad (or maintenance). It took a long time for me to trust anyone, I did date men during that time but they never met DS as I didn't feel they were right for the long term and didn't want him to get confused (he hates change and is quite vulnerable) so I just enjoyed the dates and the sex. But I'm happy to say I did meet DH in the end and we've been married for 3 years.

I get respite from our LA (inc overnights) which enabled me to follow a hobby, which eventually led to meeting DH and being able to socialise with him. It is worth asking about from your LA. DS is very hard work but DH is the most laid back person ever, and doesn't get fazed by any of it. I think step families are hard and SN makes it even harder, so you do have to be super selective because the stress of raising a child with SN makes even the strongest couples crack (have seen it a lot with my friends).

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