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Separating from DH - properly this time. But need advice, please

(7 Posts)
AntideluvianCat Tue 30-Aug-16 15:27:59

I moved out, with my DD (aged 14, from a previous relationship), in February this year. I could stand my husband's behaviour no more.

this thread and www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2142246-DH-suggested-I-put-this-to-you-lot-What-do-you-think this one give some background.

Anyway, it all went OK while I was living up the road, and DH and I both seemed to benefit from being together but apart. Any problems, I could just shut the door, and he the same. We got into a routine, it was not ideal, but seemed to work. However, unfortunately, there were many, many problems with the house, and I had to move out in early August. I tried and tried to find somewhere else to go, but there were so many obstacles and difficulties. I eventually found somewhere where I can move to in mid-September. Dh agreed I could temporarily move back in with him up until them.

As you can imagine, it all went skewiff again pretty much as soon as I moved back in. The same old accusations. And this time, I feel that the scales have fallen from my eyes. He continues to blame me for everything. He bears no responsibility for anything. His anger is on a hair-trigger - even me listening quietly to the Archers on my phone, or mentioning something as innocuous as the Great British Bake Off, infuriates him. He is always complaining about something or someone. He seems to think the world is out to get him. Everything is MY FAULT! It's exhausting.

As well as all the above, I need to mention that this has been a really really difficult year, with a lot of loss already. Not only losing any hope of the marriage improving, but also losing my home. My DDs problems continue, and she is depressed and anxious. I feel hopeless and fear that I can't help her. She barely talks to me. I took voluntary redundancy at the end of June, and while it was my choice, I regret it, as I loved my work, and feel rudderless without it. Three days after the redundancy, my Dad died.

Anyway, so my question:

We need to separate, no question of that. I have a flat to move in to on 17th of September, but I don't want to go there. I want to stay in the family home. I also want DD to be able to stay in her family home, after such a turbulent year, and continued instability and difficulty for her.

DH only has himself to worry about. His daughter rarely comes to visit him these days, so he doesn't need a three bedroom house to live in. I need at least two beds, and preferably another one for my recently bereaved Mum so she can come and stay. Also, DDs cat can't come to the flat with us (not allowed), so the plan was to leave him with DH, but neither of us want to lose the cat on top of everything bloody else either.

This house is rented. We are both still on the tenancy agreement, which comes up for renewal in 2 months time. DH also took voluntary redundancy, so doesn't have an income. The only way he could renew the tenancy on his own is if he could find a guarantor, and there simply isn't anyone who would do that for him. If he wants to stay here, which he does, we would have to sign the tenancy jointly again, even though I wouldn't be living here.

I DO have a guarantor (my brother - but I can afford to pay rent for a few months anyway, out of my redundancy, until I get another job).

How about I just refuse to sign the joint contract, thus forcing DH out? Then I could renew the tenancy just in my name, with the guarantor. I am the "lead tenant" on the agreement - although I don't really know whether that has any significance.

It feels like a pretty horrible thing to do to DH, but I'm so sick of hearing him telling me what a horrible, nasty, controlling, manipulative blah blah blah person I am anyway... should I put my misgivings to one side?

He would be able to pay six months rent up front for somewhere else, out of his redundancy payment, so he wouldn't be homeless. It would just be a massive pain in the arse for him, as he's always insisted he was staying here and I was the one who had to move out.

I also worry he'd make my life difficult in the meantime - not violence, just unpleasantness.

Thanks for reading smile

pocketsaviour Tue 30-Aug-16 16:01:11

How about I just refuse to sign the joint contract, thus forcing DH out? Then I could renew the tenancy just in my name, with the guarantor.

He sounds like a first class prick, and your housing needs are greater than his. I'd do it.

However, as you're married he does have some rights to stay in the home. Is he the sort who would seek legal help, or would he just strop around?

AntideluvianCat Tue 30-Aug-16 16:19:23

He would probably threaten to seek legal advice but not get round to it.

But surely he'd only have the right to stay here for the next two months, while he's on the tenancy agreement?

I could go to the letting agent and ask them to draw up a contract in my name only, I think? Perhaps I should be up front with the agent and ask where I stand. Just a bit reluctant with the old dirty washing in public side of it.

Joysmum Tue 30-Aug-16 17:19:01

If it's a fixed term tenancy, in theory you don't even need to give notice and could just move out, or stay and a rolling tenancy begins running from month to month for which you'd need to give one implore month from the date of your last payment to the end of tenancy. Eg if you pay on the 1st you give notice on the first or if it's later you end the tenancy on the the 2nd 1st after because it's not a full months notice after the payment date.

In the case of joint tenancy, only one person needs to end it. When that happens then it's up to the LL/agent whether to allow either of the original tenants a tenancy in their own right and sensible ones will do a new credit check on tenant/guarantor etc to determine if a new tenancy in one persons name is desirable (me, I prefer as many names tenants as possible).

So you giving notice is enough to end the tenancy without him needing to agree then the ball is in the LL/agents court as to how they wish to proceed. They are well within their rights not to offer a new tenancy to either of you. You'd need to take the risk to sound them out on that.

If they aren't presenting you with a new joint fixed term agreement it may be best to go onto a rolling tenancy whilst you work out your next step. Whilst you only need to give one complete month from anniversary of tenancy, your LL must give you 2 complete months.

AntideluvianCat Tue 30-Aug-16 18:05:22

Thanks Joysmum.

It's a fixed term tenancy, renewed annually. I guess I could end the joint tenancy, and ask the letting agent to consider taking me on my own for the next year?

But could he do the same?

It's also a question of how to get him out of the house, when the time comes, as -as I've said - he takes no responsibility for anything, and thinks he has a right to be here.

Thank you

Trifleorbust Tue 30-Aug-16 19:27:02

Well, if he can't get a guarantor he won't be able to sign a new tenancy, and you will, so once you sign a new tenancy without him - assuming you do this - he won't have a legal right to be in the house.

lalalalyra Tue 30-Aug-16 19:44:55

You need to take proper legal advice about this. What you most definately don't want is it going onto a rolling tenancy with him there because that could continue your joint tenancy with you equally responsible for everything even if you leave and he stays.

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