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Help me put this to rest.

(5 Posts)
MidnightPixie3 Tue 30-Aug-16 11:55:15

Hi all, this is my first post here. I hope its the right place and that somebody can help me lay this to rest.

Basically, I left my ex almost 11 years ago. My ds was almost 2 and I was 5 mths pregnant with my dd. They are now 10 and 12.

Firstly I have to emphasise that I had wanted to leave him for an awfully long time due to him having no ambition! He was quite happy to sit in his council house on JSA and play computer games. I thought that having children would make him want to change his lifestyle but unfortunately it didn't. He wasn't a bad person, he treated our son well, he would look after him in his own way. He didn't take him out or do things with him but he was well looked after - until he got the internet connection! Then we hardly saw him. He wouldn't go to bed til 5am then he'd get up at 3pm and go straight back on the games/chat rooms.

So it might seem obvious that he had some sort of problem, possibly even an addiction to games/internet.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I left him and went to my parents and on that 1st evening I felt such a sense of relief. I could move on and make a good life for my children.

I had left him a note with phone numbers, addresses etc and told him that when he was ready he should get in touch. Eventually i had to inform his mum that we had left as he hadn't even done that. She was distraught. Christmas came and went, thrn ds's birthday then my daughter was born, i registered her birth - throughout all of this he wouldn't arrange anything despite me asking him to. His parents came to see the children a couple of times and brought ex with them. He sat in a corner and sulked and wouldn't speak to anyone or interact with the children. I visited his parents a couple of times as the dc got a bit older. After that there was nothing despite me asking him when he might visit again. He hasn't seen them for over 9 years.

Over the last year I have been driving myself crazy. I can't help wondering why the children aren't important to him. Why doesn't he want to know them or to see what amazing young people they have grown into? Ds, despite his problems, is so strong and has overcome so, so much and I am so immensely proud of him. And dd, although she is still so young is already taking control of her life and is auditioning for the National Childrens Orchestra and a place at Chethams School of Music in the next few months.

Rationally I know that he is probably sat behind a monitor playing another game but knowing this makes it even harder for me. How can a computer game/chatroom take priority over your children? My google history for the last year has been full of different 'why does father not want to see his children' questions. I keep looking for something big enough and important enough to keep him away from the dc for 10 years but I haven't found it yet and my mind keeps searching. I have to stop before it drives my completely loopy but i can't. It is like its become an obsession.

If anyone has any experience of this and has any suggestions that may help please let me know.

ImperialBlether Tue 30-Aug-16 12:07:58

Think of it as an addiction. All that exists for him is the game. The thing is that when he was with you, all he could think about was playing the game - you and the children were things that stopped him from playing. Think how agitated an alcoholic gets before having a drink and the sense of relief they experience when they get that first glass - that's what he was like.

Your children sound amazing - you've done a fantastic job. Your ex has missed out on that - he's chosen something that doesn't exist over his own children. I wouldn't be chasing him now for contact.

Your children have you as an example of how to live your life. It's lucky they don't have him as you know by now they'd be sitting beside him playing, too.

SandyY2K Tue 30-Aug-16 12:13:24

I haven't experienced it, but it seems your Ex hasn't grown up or that he lacks the mental capacity to be a responsible parent.

It's difficult to understand how someone can effectively want nothing to do with their child. You aren't the only one in this situation and it's a mystery to other mums and dads too.

Is he still unemployed?
What do his parents say?
Do you get any child support from him?

In the odd case, the parent realises they messed up but feels too much time has passed and feels ashamed to come back into their child's life.

It's hard to understand because it's something a normal, well developed responsible parent like yourself would never do.

MidnightPixie3 Tue 30-Aug-16 12:53:28

Thanks for you replies.

I suppose it is right that what he has chosen isn't real. Perhaps if it was a physical thing like alcohol it would be easier to accept.

I know nothing about his life now. His parents believe that i have stopped him having any contact so they have refused to see the dc. I explained that i had tried on many occasions to get him to see them but they wouldn't believe me. I think its really sad that they chose to have no relationship with their grandchildren because of lies but at least they have a reason. I have accepted that. Its just his lack of reason that is affecting me.

In all honesty I wouldn't want the dc to have any contact with him. You are absolutely right about what they would now be doing if we had stayed with him. They have a much better life than they ever would have done with him. They have a Dad who loves them as his own and does so much for them and with them.

The problem is in my head and my need for a valid answer when there probably isn't one.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 30-Aug-16 15:12:53

I don't know how you overcome it.
You need to basically, move on.
You have done but your head is way behind you here.
My OH left the country.
Had very little contact and I never understood it either.
I just got on with things and didn't dwell.
He's a cock and probably a pot head by now.
Leave the past in the past and get on with your future.

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