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I made mistakes.... Can he forgive me?

(102 Posts)
Whyislifesohardconfused2016 Tue 30-Aug-16 05:44:08

Hi I'm really struggling with the current situation ... I started dating my ex D just over two years ago. From the offset he told me that he couldn't commit to a relationship because his job was ending in 6 months and he was moving overseas.. But I carried on seeing him anyway. After 4 months I was completely in love with him and we both decided to commit to eachother and do the long distance relationship and we were blissfully happy for the next 2 years. He is moving over this week to be with me and start new job. Last week was my final trip to visit him before he moved again and on the last night he stayed up all night whilst I was sleeping and went through all my phone messages from recently right up to 2012. In there he has seen messages from me flirting with an ex when we first met and some messages from 3-4 months in to our relationship which suggest I slept with the ex (We met up and had dinner, wine... He kissed me and I initially kissed him back) the next day I sent endless texts telling him I wanted to be friends only.. No sex and that I felt like a whore for having kissed him.. I never told any of this to my partner at the time because things were so up in the air. But this was one of the catalysts for me knowing i wanted to commit to him and the Long distance. It sounds stupid but over the next two years I completely forgot this had even happened

D said nothing to me about having looked through my phone next day.. He was quiet but let me leave thinking everything was normal . Then he sent me a long very hurtful email telling me what he had done that I wasn't the person he thought I was that he was shocked to see what I was really like and he has blocked all forms of communication with me and that I am out of his life forever.

I can't even explain how I feel. He is the love of my life and I feel so sad that I have hurt him. I regret everything that happened with this guy at the start of our relationship and having mulled it over I know I was acting out of insecurity and fear that the new boyfriend I was falling in love with was leaving me in a few months.

I don't feel as though it was cheating because even though we were very close we hadn't made a commitment at this point and from the moment I knew we were committed I have been completely and utterly loyal and faithful.

I don't know why he chose that night to go through my phone he has had all my passwords for over a year.

I also don't know why I have never deleted a single message from my phone.

It's been 6 days of no contact from him.

I've sent several emails apologising telling him how much i love him and trying to explain I was confused and insecure but no response. I don't know what to do.

HeddaGarbled Tue 30-Aug-16 06:22:40

I don't think that you did anything wrong. You flirted with an ex at a time when your current partner had told you he wasn't committed to a relationship with you. You weren't exclusive. There were no promises and no commitment at that stage, in fact he was explicitly stating that you weren't in a relationship.

Then he spent a whole night, while you were asleep, going through your entire message history for 4 years. That is appalling.

I think you've dodged a bullet. He sounds horrible. I suspect he was looking for any excuse, either to dump you because he's got cold feet about moving in with you, had no real intention of moving in with you anyway, or to put you in this position of abject begging so that he can hold this over for you for the rest of your lives.

Stop contacting him. Unless he comes begging back to you full of apologies for behaving so appallingly, you are well rid.

milpool Tue 30-Aug-16 06:25:00

He's the one in the wrong here. He went through your phone to read 4 years of messages?! Who does that?

StopMakingMeLogOn Tue 30-Aug-16 06:33:34

What you do is stop contacting him.
Why was he going through your phone in the first place? To me, it sounds like he was looking for a way out and in keeping those old messages you conveniently provided him with an 'out' that allows him to blame you utterly and not accept any responsibility himself.
Honestly, I think you've dodged a bullet. A decent man would at least have given you the chance to explain even if he still wanted to end things.

That said, I'm wondering why you kept those messages if they meant nothing. Why was he suspicious enough to go through your phone? I can't tell you if he is a controlling arse who would constantly check up on you or if he had valid reasons to doubt your commitment.

I guess for him he doesn't want to change his whole life for someone he is uncertain about. All you can do is respect his choice and move on. And think about why you kept those messages.

DoctorTwo Tue 30-Aug-16 06:35:27

You've done nowt wrong. You have done something right in dodging a bullet. Well done. He's an arsehole and you will do better, honest.

OliviaStabler Tue 30-Aug-16 06:42:09

Sounds like he went through your phone looking for a reason to break it off. He sounds like he didn't have the balls to be honest face to face and he found a reason to pin the breakup on.

You're well rid of him. I know it hurts like mad now but when you look back in the future, you will see what a lucky escape you had

Missyaggravation Tue 30-Aug-16 06:42:44

I dunno, 4 months into a relationship and you have dinner with and kiss an ex. Think I might have blocked you too. Not entirely sure why people think that would be an ok thing to do. Also if he had all your passwords etc wtf wouldn't you have deleted any incriminating crap. People=odd

HeddaGarbled Tue 30-Aug-16 06:53:40

Because it wasn't a relationship. He had explicitly told her so.

SanityClause Tue 30-Aug-16 06:53:41

You did nothing wrong.

He told you he could not commit to a relationship. He can't then complain when you didn't fully commit to him.

Also, going through your phone? He sounds controlling and jealous. What other reason could he possibly have for having done that? He just doesn't trust you, and you would be walking on eggshells all the time trying to make sure you did nothing to alert his unreasonable suspicions.

I know you feel devastated right now, but it's you that would need to be able to forgive him - not the other way round.

LineyReborn Tue 30-Aug-16 06:58:02

He sounds strange.

pullingmyhairout1 Tue 30-Aug-16 06:58:04

I'd be cross if I saw messages suggesting my partner slept with an ex 4 months into our relationship. However I wouldn't go snooping if I trusted my partner. So it suggests to me he either wanted an out, got the wobble or didn't trust you.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Aug-16 07:01:02

He wanted to find a reason to break it off. A man like this would use anything but have the courage to do it himself

It doesn't feel like it now but one day you will realise this man is now what you thought he was

Now stop begging and pleading. He is using your abject in yourself as some sort of sick ego boost. You are demeaning yourself. Walk away with your head held high.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Aug-16 07:02:35

*abjecting

category12 Tue 30-Aug-16 07:03:51

It does sound like he was looking for something for a purpose. Whether that is to break it off, or as a stick to beat you with forevermore, is to be seen.

If he deigns to 'forgive' you, be very very careful before you jump in rejoicing and have a think about what red flags there might be.

You did nothing wrong - he didn't want a relationship or commitment, he was leaving. So don't fall into the trap of being punished for believing what he said and not putting your entire life on hold for him from the get-go.

Whyislifesohardconfused2016 Tue 30-Aug-16 07:07:58

Thanks so much ... I know you are right ... I truly didn't think i had anything to hide and if he had asked me I would have told him ... Even laughed about how stupid and insecure I was before meeting him, and how absolutely tormented I was at the beginning of the relationship when he wasn't committed and I was falling in love with him

I've never given him a single reason not to trust me so I know he was looking for a reason ...

Just utterly devastating when it turns out people aren't who u thought

TheLastRoseOfSummer Tue 30-Aug-16 07:24:40

Once again the double standards are out because women who go through their partners phone and find evidence of flirting/secret meetings with exes/kissing are told that, whilst checking isn't great, they have found something so they must have had a reason for doing so, and that they need to take time to think about it, that their partner clearly isn't who they thought they were and, oh, everything the OP's boyfriend said to her. This is no different.

Once again there is a position on here that men are always in the wrong and women are beyond reproach.

Saying you're not able to commit to someone in the long term because of work commitments (and being honest with them about that knowing they might walk away) is a positive thing and does not mean you'll be ok with them messing around with their ex behind your back.

If he was supposed to be moving over to be with you then that is a big commitment on his part. Maybe checking your messages to see what you'd been up to whilst you'd been together wasn't his greatest move, but then he did find out you'd been up to stuff with someone else behind his back. So...

GoldFishFingerz Tue 30-Aug-16 07:25:21

Write to him and ask a mutual friend who is prepared to go as go between to deliver the letter.

Remind him that he told you he wasn't committing to you as he planned to travel after first 6 months. explan that you also weren't commited in the first few months due to the discussion but have been committed ever since the meal with ex 20 months ago as it clarified your feelings.

Say you are deeply sorry and regret it. You'd never want to hurt him and you are fully committed to the relationship. Wanted to grow old together.

There is a small chance he just wanted to travel or leave you and was looking for a reason to leave.

TheLastRoseOfSummer Tue 30-Aug-16 07:25:48

OP, maybe he hasn't turned out to be who you thought he was, but then you haven't turned out to be who he thought you were either.

Whyislifesohardconfused2016 Tue 30-Aug-16 07:58:52

I'm not man bashing lastroseofsummer I agree completely I think he was just having a major freak out about the commitment being aged 34 this was it for both of us settling down getting married ... His family recently asked him are you sure about her and the relationship and he said he was but I think that put doubt in his mind..
For sure I wish I had acted differently I am utterly ashamed of myself for flirting with and kissing an ex but at the time I was in the perspective of a single girl who had been let down and disappointed by so many men this was my way of trying to protect myself if it went spectacularly wrong when he moved away which I was convinced would happen

Whyislifesohardconfused2016 Tue 30-Aug-16 08:00:38

I can't send a letter because I don't know where he is... Today he has moved from his old place in Amsterdam to London and I have no idea where he will be staying because he was meant to be coming to me ... I was supposed to be collecting him tonight from the airport ... I know where his work place is but I think it would be too selfish for me to show up there

Hissy Tue 30-Aug-16 08:07:14

Trust me. Walk away and count yourself lucky.

How dare he.

The pain is immense now, but it will ease. Make sure you block his emails, don't let this sneak back.

Looks like he only wants a non commitment relationship after all.

I bet he's at the very least flirted and it's guilt or projection that made him look at your phone.

I say again. How dare he!!

TheNaze73 Tue 30-Aug-16 08:13:22

Can see both sides here. My reaction would be the same as his as he must of felt something was up however, what he did in snooping was so wrong. As lastsummer said, the double standards between getting evidence to get your ducks in a row as opposed to snooping is blatant here. He was making a massive commitment here & although the way he did it was wrong, I can see why he is vindicated in what he did.

TheLastRoseOfSummer Tue 30-Aug-16 08:13:54

Why tbh, you did what a lot of people in your position would have done. But it doesn't make it right and no one has any idea whether he will come round, get over it and forgive you.

You might find that, when he has calmed down, he makes contact with you anyway and then you will have chance to speak with him about it. But, at the moment, he is angry and hurt.

He said he wouldn't be able to commit in the future. Maybe he was worried about you getting hurt when he left, maybe he was worried about getting too attached himself, or maybe the others are right and he was a dick all along! But your relationship survived and now he has discovered this. So you don't look quite the same as you did and your relationship didn't feel quite the same.

As he's blocked all means of contact, there probably isn't anything you can, or should, do. You could give it a week and write to him via work and make it clear that that will be your only contact with him there. I certainly wouldn't turn up.

It's a horrible situation, there's not much you can do other than ride it out.

pasic Tue 30-Aug-16 08:18:16

Well if he read your whole phone then he knows that you have been totally above board from the moment the relationship became serious, so this sounds like an excuse.

How come he read all the messages for 4 years when you had only been together for 2? That's a snoop too far really.

TheLastRoseOfSummer Tue 30-Aug-16 08:19:57

To be honest, he shouldn't have snooped, but I cannot believe what i am reading here.

Women who come on here admitting they snooped are told it doesn't matter how they found out their partner had cheated, it only matters that they did.

Women who snoop and discover something not told they are non committal or projecting because they themselves are doing the same, or worse.

Women who snoop and discover something are not accused of looking for a way out of the relationship.

Women who snoop and discover something are not told that they were looking for something they could use as a weapon at a later date.

Women who snoop and discover something and then end it are not told that they are using it as an ego boost to get the man to beg to take them back.

Women who snoop and discover something are not told that it is their partner who has dodged a bullet...

Breathtaking double standards.

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