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Just handed back my wedding ring, not sure what happens next...

(169 Posts)
IceBeing Mon 29-Aug-16 21:51:41

No real drama, no OW or OM, just mental health problems and a total lack of kindness or consideration left in the relationship.

Final straw today was that I decided to try and help out clearing a big pile of junk that resulted from a combination of a shelf collapsing in our kitchen and my DD's birthday, both of which happened over 3 months ago.

When DH found out he was stomping and sulking because I shouldn't have touched the piles of junk and because I had he now had to retrace everything I had done and wash everything and put all DD's toys and presents back into a pile of junk.

The reason for this being that one of the bags contained a hand painted wooden box DD (5yo) had been given by a friend at her birthday. And because DH doesn't know what paint was used it is by default toxic...and so is anything it touched, anything that even might have been in the same bag, anything that was in the room when I opened the bag etc. etc.

So my DD can't have that present, or the other ones in the bag with it, she can't have her toys from the party back and our house is slowly being consumed by increasing piles of junk that noone but DH is allowed near, but that he never gets around to doing anything about.

I can't go in one of the rooms of the house and the garage has been off limits for around 4 years.

So my attempt at increasing the net amount of kindness in the house has back fired epically. I just can't do it anymore.

But what now?

GingerAndTheBiscuits Mon 29-Aug-16 21:59:11

Is he getting any MH support?

RestlessTraveller Mon 29-Aug-16 21:59:21

I have no clue what you do next. I'm sure someone will be alon soon who can provide you with some help. I have experienced a fraction of what has been going on with you with an ex who had mental health issues and was a hoarder. I have nothing but admiration for your decision to put you and your daughter first.

orangeistheonlyfruit Mon 29-Aug-16 22:01:07

You owe it to your self and your children to distance yourselves from this person. They are ill. Don't let your children's memories be of this.

Cherrysoup Mon 29-Aug-16 22:02:51

Off limits for 4 years? Is the garage full of junk too? What happens if you try to go in there or is it too full of rubbish? Which room is off limits and is that due to junk too? I can't claim to understand the issues behind hoarding, but I couldn't tolerate it.

Are you both on the mortgage? Does your DH work?

PickAChew Mon 29-Aug-16 22:03:01

Oh, you really can't live like that flowers

Does he even recognise that he has a problem?

Zippidydoodah Mon 29-Aug-16 22:04:07

As someone who can identify in part with your husband....this makes me sad.

Is he getting GP/ therapist support? I'm guessing he isn't?

SleepingTiger Mon 29-Aug-16 22:04:12

Maybe not, but this is the start of a new life.

IceBeing Mon 29-Aug-16 22:06:06

He has had support for OCD in the past, but hasn't for the last 7/8 years. I keep asking him to think about it, but he gets annoyed when I mention it.

Sorry to drip feed but I have had some reasonably severe MH problems over the last 5 years too. Depression in my case, and he stuck by me through think and thin - which is making me feel rather shit right now. But he constantly told me to get help and I did, and worked so hard at it and feel I achieved essentially a cure. I don't know how to provide the same support to him when it seems he won't try and get help.

Also I am the one that works and he is SAHP and home educating DD. So I think if I left it would be just me going. I am a little shaken by the idea my DD might need taking out of this situation too. They have a much closer bond than I do with either of them. He tends to take things away before she even sees them, so he does shield her as much as possible from the effects.

HeddaGarbled Mon 29-Aug-16 22:06:35

You are quite right - you and your daughter cannot live with this.

You will need to see a solicitor to sort out your situation with regard to finances and accommodation.

I know this is hard, but your H isn't doing this out of deliberate unkindness. He is clearly very ill. But you must protest yourself and your daughter from the effects of his illness.

IceBeing Mon 29-Aug-16 22:09:27

It really isn't hoarding...it is things that are, for lack of a better word 'contaminated' and hence need effort to deal with that just end up in big piles.

I knew I wasn't to touch things in the spare room, but I didn't realise the stuff that is now all over the landing was also off limits until today...I honestly thought it was just stuff that he hadn't gotten around to putting back.

IceBeing Mon 29-Aug-16 22:11:14

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond - I feel so lost and human contact is rally helping.

category12 Mon 29-Aug-16 22:21:07

You need to get her to school. This doesn't sound a healthy environment for a child. (Home schooling is fine, but not in this situation).

Minniemagoo Mon 29-Aug-16 22:21:24

Considering a hand painted gift 'contaminated' and the subsequent having to clean everything it touched is very unhealthy extreme behaviour. It also seems that you are making excuses/afraid of his reactions.
Perhaps you should reach out to a MH professional and also consider if allowing someone with such paranoid views is a good tutor for homeschooling your DD.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 29-Aug-16 22:23:50

Oh dear. You two shouldn't be home educating. Give your DD the gift of space from you both: from the hoarding, from dysfunction.

Why are two people with severe MH problems home schooling? It seems an odd choice.

RestlessTraveller Mon 29-Aug-16 22:24:31

Please don't leave your daughter with this man.

BleakBetty Mon 29-Aug-16 22:25:54

I have OCD with some contamination fears.

Not as severe as him by a long stretch, but I identify with the 'it - the contaminated item - has touched other things, I must eradicate it all' mentality, and the resulting anxiety that occurs if my 'safety measures' are interfered with.

However, I have support and help from a therapist and my condition has improved hugely!

Although MH issues alone are certainly not reason to walk away - and in fact supporting a partner is vastly important - a refusal to acknowledge them and seek help for the good of you and your family is.

He can't brush things under the carpet, and not seek help, whilst seeing his condition effect his family.

What contamination is he afraid of, I mean what kind of items are they?

flowers for you.

FathomsDeep Mon 29-Aug-16 22:26:36

Oh dear. It doesn't sound like the healthiest of environments for your DD, particularly in terms of her emotional wellbeing. Is it really in your DDs best interests to be homeschooled by someone with ongoing MH issues? Is the homeschooling decision related to his need to control her environment?

I wouldn't leave your DD there when you go. I really wouldn't. If he won't leave the family home then I think you and your DD need to find somewhere else together.

greenfolder Mon 29-Aug-16 22:28:21

You have an obligation to your daughter. My lovely Sil had ocd and other issues never addressed. Both her sons have carried this on to an extent as adults.

FoxesSitOnBoxes Mon 29-Aug-16 22:32:35

This sounds so awful OP. You can't live like this.
But. neither should your daughter. Especially if she hasn't got any escape from it (school). Please don't leave her behind.

IceBeing Mon 29-Aug-16 22:34:12

We are homeschooling because DD has sensory processing issues and anxiety problems. (That and the fact that testing from 4yo upwards isn't actually a valid education program.)

I do worry a lot about DD being constantly exposed to this kind of thing. She already has so many rituals she performs and her anxiety about various things causes her a lot of stress on a daily basis. But she has been this way since birth (over stimulated etc.) so I think if it is catching it is doing so by nature not nurture.

I don't see how I can home school her and carry on work. That doesn't seem possible. She can't cope in a classroom environment so I don't know what else to try.

IceBeing Mon 29-Aug-16 22:38:20

bleak it is all about lead paint at the moment. DD can't have anything painted which was made in China for this reason, DH also has to check out all venues in advance for possible lead paint and we had to sacrifice this years loganberries because the neighbours used unknown fence paint and some splashed the leaves of one of the plants. DD can't invite friends around to our house in case they invite her back to theirs and it becomes awkward when we ask for a lead paint inspection first...

Lead paint is a real risk, especially to young children, but I get so distressed thinking that everyone else gets to just get on with life and live with the risk while our life seems to totally revolve around it. (It doesn't but it sometimes feels that way).

FathomsDeep Mon 29-Aug-16 22:38:24

Have she ever been in a classroom environment OP? She may cope better than you think and schools are required to make reasonable adjustments so that students with SN can attend. Does she see anyone for her anxiety disorder? Is she under the care of a consultant of CAMHS?

FathomsDeep Mon 29-Aug-16 22:39:05

*or CAMHS?

IceBeing Mon 29-Aug-16 22:43:50

We have tried her in some music classes last term and she really really struggles even though she loves music and the class size is 12 with two teachers not 30 odd with one.

She doesn't have a formal diagnosis. There didn't seem much point given we could H-ed anyway. She has a lot of friends in the local H-ed groups and spends a lot of time out of the house away at meet ups playing with her friends, many of which have a lot of symptoms in common with her. TBH I think a lot of people are H-eding because of sensory/anxiety issues.

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