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I'm stuck and broken

(30 Posts)
SaulAnker Mon 29-Aug-16 18:39:56

I've name changed because I have family on here.

I've not told anyone yet but my OH has left. He is my best friend and SD to my DS.

I'm going to be totally honest with you, I'm shit at being in a relationship. My social etiquette is 'pathetic' and I struggle to control my negative emotions. I have struggled with MH problems for many years but l never see these as an excuse..just reasons I suppose. I am short and rude and have no shame in telling him what I think in public.
We own a home together, definitely bought too early in to the relationship but as we had known each other for 15 years we didn't think too much about it.
Ultimately we both have the same goals in life. He's an amazing parental figure to my son and if I do no wrong them it's rare he does..it's more of a retaliation.
I know i fucked us up..I warned him at the beginning I would, I tried to explain exactly what I am like and he said he could handle it. Not that it's an excuse or much consolation.

I don't have any friends or family I could speak to so now I'm left with a 5 year old trying to bring normality to him. When he is speaking about OH I am answering almost in riddles. He knows I'm upset though because he has gifted me one of his teddies and reminds me/brings it to Me whan I'm feeling excessively down.

Now I don't know what to do. I lived and supported my son before him but it was a pretty shitty life compared to what he has become accustomed to but there's no way I can afford to keep it up without OH.
My son is going to break his heart when he knows he Ian coming back.

I know I've caused this and I have ruined the best thing that could have happened to us. I'm so used to living an abusive life and now he's calling me the abused.

I really need someone to HH right now. I have no one else.

Thank you for reading.

RestlessTraveller Mon 29-Aug-16 18:52:52

Hi. When you say you're 'shit at being in a relationship' what do you mean?

12hours Mon 29-Aug-16 18:53:36

Hi Op. Don't beat yourself up! Did you have a row? When did he leave? Maybe he just needs a little break from the situation. Its not your fault that you have MH problems and I am sure your social skills are not as bad as you think. You sound like you might be depressed right now? Could you see a doctor tomorrow? Do you take any meds for your MH? Here to hold your hand and tell you that you are not a bad person. Things just get the better of us sometimes. Take care of yourself. The rest will follow.

tribpot Mon 29-Aug-16 18:56:34

This struck me from your post: have no shame in telling him what I think in public. - what does that mean? We're allowed to say what we think in public, you know.

Is he describing you as the abuser, rather than the abused? You say that if you do something wrong he retaliates. This all doesn't sound very healthy. You need to be able to do something wrong occasionally without being punished, the same as everyone does.

It sounds as if you quickly fell into the relationship after breaking up with your son's father (was that the abusive relationship?). This may not have been the healthiest thing for you. I would use this time now to make sure you're prioritising your MH and taking care of yourself.

How difficult will it be to resolve the house situation, did you buy as tenants in common? Could he afford to buy you out?

Will your family be supportive when you tell them the relationship has ended?

SaulAnker Mon 29-Aug-16 19:04:42

That you all so much. I have tears because you all sound so supportive of me.

Trying to reply but using my iPad.

I am not good at being in relationships because I'm very much a difficult person. I like things my way and I react badly if they aren't.

The break up has been a long time coming. We argue every 7-10 days and it's always caused by me. I will pick a fault (as he says over the easiest things when I've been OK with the difficult)

Our relationship is the opposite of healthy and I always tell him I'm allowed to mess up sometimes but it is more frequent than he can cope with.

My past abuse has come from the day I was born and has been ever since. I'm not trying to play the victim but I've lived a very difficult life but the kind that is hidden by money if that makes sense.

I haven't been with my sons dad for over 4 years now, there was a guy in between but that was nothing serious and also a trainwreck.

He can't buy me out and I can buy him out so we will have to sell the house.
And to answer the question about my family, the ones that would bat an eyelid will tell me I have ruined it. I know this as they warned me not to ruin it at the beginning.

I know it is my fault and I know I only have myself to blame that doesn't take the pain away.

Again thank you.

RestlessTraveller Mon 29-Aug-16 19:10:17

You sound like you will be so much better being out of this relationship. You need to be strong but you will be ok.

AmyC86 Mon 29-Aug-16 19:22:53

To me it sounds like you need MH help from a professional. Do you have OCD traits? Are you depressed, could it be untreated postnatal depression? Have you ever suffered significant trauma in your childhood? You appear to have a very negative outlook for your future. please OP go your gp & get some help xx

SaulAnker Mon 29-Aug-16 19:28:50

Amy, when my son was a few months old I attempted suicide, not a cry for help,I really truely wanted to die. I have worked so fucking hard to move on from that. I was sectioned and in hospital for months. I'm under no illusion I dont have problems.

Now I am able to rationalise those thoughts and ever other apart from the occasional one where I feel my feelings aren't being validated.

I've made a massive improvement.

I definitely need to seek further help but I'm anti medication and that's all they can find to help my diagnosis.

Right now I just feel lost, broken and stuck. I'm here for my son not for me so how can I make another adult happy?

I don't even think I make much sense anymore.

I'm sorry and thank you.

SaulAnker Mon 29-Aug-16 19:38:20

Someone please help me. I know I'm pathetic but I seriously am struggling to accept this.

finnishbiscuiteater Mon 29-Aug-16 20:23:53

Hi Saul, sitting with you...

12hours Mon 29-Aug-16 20:30:00

SaulAnker first things first, you are NOT pathetic. I don't know what has happened in your past, but am guessing you have experienced something that makes you feel like everything is your fault? It is not. It takes two people to be in a relationship. Some couples argue every day! Maybe your DP should have cut you some slack? It can't be all one sided. Even if you are a bit picky and sometimes annoyed, someone who knows you have been through so much and has MH problems would maybe just let it go over their heads a bit? I am not saying your partner is a bastard, but I am saying that it is just not humanly possible for every single thing to be your fault. People get in a bad mood sometimes, sometimes he maybe needed to have something pointed out to him - did you even think of that? You need to be with someone who doesn't make you feel like this about yourself and it sounds to me that he plays on your MH a bit and making off it's all down to you. Does he actually do something wrong every now and again, I bet the answer is yes and I don't even know you.

A relationship breakdown is very hard, but even more so when you have MH issues. What is your diagnosis for MH if you don't mind me asking? I know you are anti-med but I know loads of people who have used them to get through difficult times. Might be worth a shot just for a while until you stabilise a bit?

Sometimes we come across people who are not good for our MH, no matter how nice they are, they just don't suit us. All fine when things are fine, but when the chips are down, they are not good for us. I am upset for you that you think everything is your fault. You have a beautiful son, can you see from him that you can do something right? He depends on you, you stuck with him when it was just the two of you (doesn't matter about the material things you could or couldn't give). He is your number one fan and you are the centre of his universe. How can you call yourself pathetic? Please don't think that for one minute more. Think back to what you went through in childhood, you got through that (shit yes, but you still made it). A breakup WILL NOT take you down, you are too tough!

Xx

SaulAnker Mon 29-Aug-16 20:39:08

Thank you thank you and thank you.

I don't even know what to say. I can't stop crying. I read on here often people saying that but never understood to what extent.

I appreciate everything you have said and I agree that it cannot possibly be my fault all the time but I promise it almost certainly always is. I am a horrible person and I can't get over what's happened and I take it out on others. I have no friends, no family and my son wouldn't want me if he had the choice.

No matter how hard I try I simply cannot be a good enough person. I am not suicidal so please do not think that this is what I am hinting at but I am a disgraceful person who doesn't deserve the goodness of a man willing to give me everything. I feel so alone though. I'm in so much pain.

SaulAnker Mon 29-Aug-16 20:40:26

I have borderline personality disorder and PTSD

MsStricty Mon 29-Aug-16 20:59:25

OP, are you in therapy of any kind? Meds are good - very good for many with BPD and PTSD. However, they treat symptoms and not causes. Therapy - of whatever kind is right for you - treats the cause.

Can you afford therapy?

ICESTAR Mon 29-Aug-16 20:59:37

Saul it breaks my heart just reading how sad you are. Are you sure you won't consider medication? Just for the short term to tide you over? I did for a year to help cope with ptsd and panic attacks. I knew I wouldn't be on them forever but it helped a lot when I hit a really bad patch. It helped me cope with my situation. I was very close to a breakdown. I also had counselling in a type of cbt called acceptance and commitment therapy which was provided by my local nhs. Is this any use to you? It seriously helped me. I got high intensity therapy and had 21 sessions an hour each week.

ICESTAR Mon 29-Aug-16 21:00:14

Had not got*

Resilience16 Mon 29-Aug-16 21:08:53

You ARE good enough.
You DO deserve good things.
Your son WANTS and NEEDS you.
There is HELP out there.
You WILL get through this.
Hugs of support x

Findmuckery Mon 29-Aug-16 22:18:36

I can't think of anything clever or meaningful to say (as I'm tired at the moment) but I'm also sitting with you Saul.

SaulAnker Mon 29-Aug-16 23:05:50

Thank you everyone for your words I really truly mean it.

ICESTAR Mon 29-Aug-16 23:29:44

We are here if you need us. I hope you can maybe consider some extra help. There is nothing shameful in that I promise x flowers

PurplePenguins Mon 29-Aug-16 23:30:27

Saul you are not a horrible person. Not everything is your fault even tho you feel that it is. I went through a similar situation several years back. Fighting your own demons and being a single parent is very tough. You need to ask for help wherever you can get it. Your son would chose you if he had the choice. I thought exactly the same but he's now 22 and he's still here. I too was anti meds, thought I would be zombified and unable to function but that was so not the case. They helped me combined with therapy through the hardest time in my life. I had family telling me I had ruined my marriage, it was all my fault and, if I was going to continue to behave this way, I didn't deserve a loving man. My therapist helped me fight my demons and understand why I was the way I was. I now have 5 gorgeous DC I don't have a OH but I'm happy. It was a long road and a tough one but I got there and so can you Saul xxx

SaulAnker Tue 30-Aug-16 07:16:01

I definitely need some extra help. Whenever I have taken it before it's taken I've been under the crisis team and when that bits been over the referrals have taken so long I've felt like I no longer need them when they've come around. Silly I know.

My gp won't touch me because I've been under consultant care but I'm no longer under his care so he won't touch me.

All sim hearing is excuses too but having doors closed in my face and I can't afford it privately. I'm mid twenties in a low paid job with a 5 year old.

It's all a bit shit. But I appreciate everything you have all said to me and I'm sorry I can't help myself more.

ICESTAR Tue 30-Aug-16 11:26:33

We can help. Ask for a different gp. As for the nhs counselling I didn't need a gp to refer me. You can refer yourself
Look for nhs counselling Iapt touchstone in your area. If you google it, you should be able to refer yourself online or phone them. X do not downplay what you have. Tell them warts and all. Tell them you need high intensity therapy. I did xx you can do it too. We believe in you xxx

SaulAnker Tue 30-Aug-16 19:59:32

ICESTAR how did you self refer??

Thank you again.

ICESTAR Tue 30-Aug-16 20:30:35

I self referred by filling out the online form. I searched on google nhs counselling iapt touchstone and obviously my area. You could try and do the same but with your city/ town after those words on google xx good luck. If you have any problems, pm me and I shall try and help you find it in your area.

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