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I need some clarity...possible EA

(43 Posts)
Ithinkimparanoid Mon 29-Aug-16 10:15:26

I am a long time member but haven't posted for a long time.

I would like some help with clarifying this situation and want to try and establish if I'm just over reacting or if it's something I should be concerned about. It's quite a long story so will try to include as much as I can and not drip feed....

DH and I are have been together for around 10 years, we have our ups and downs but have been through an awful lot together and I think we do usually work through our problems for the better.

An old family friend of DH moved back to the area with her DH and they had a child together. All good, got on really well, kids occasionally play together, had a few social evenings etc.

All good, but I started to notice odd things...DH often works late shifts, on the nights he was coming in late if friend was here having a glass of wine, she would start asking when he was due back and putting her lippy on! He would come home and after endless hints about being tired (for her to leave) I would go to bed and leave them chatting. She's quite overpowering compared to me and would want to organise holidays altogether etc., but we weren't keen as don't get that much time together for hols alone etc. Very pushy in that respect.

She started having problems with her DH, she came over and I asked if she was OK...she said fine, but then overheard her pouring her heart out to DH when she didn't realise I could hear.

It escalated to her being here when I came home from work on loads of occasions...she also knows MIL and would often be there too. She eventually split from her DH, and my DH ended up being there to help...shoulder to cry on, helping with practical stuff etc.

They go to the gym together a few times a week...I've never really fancies it but DH has said if I want to join them I can, so never really minded.

Things came to a head early this year when she had a really bad time with family illness and DH seemed to be spending more time with her. Things were bad between us for a lot of other reasons and we almost separated. We managed to get through things and after talking honestly, DH admitted that although nothing has physical had happened, he could see why this upset me and we realised she had (deliberately?) said / done some things that would cause conflict.

He dwindled contact as at the end of the day, she's still a family friend and it's not my place to dictate who he sees, but I've noticed recently that odd things are happening again...a bit more contact, weird passive aggressive fb posts from her (that might be me being paranoid though)..

Sorry this is so difficult to put I to words and makes me sound like a paranoid horrible person, I'm really not I promise smile

Any words of wisdom...what would you do / think?

Resilience16 Mon 29-Aug-16 10:16:44

Trust your gut feeling, it's usually right

Mosseywossey Mon 29-Aug-16 10:21:25

I would defiantly think that it is fishy. Did the ever have anything between them before she moved away?

Ithinkimparanoid Mon 29-Aug-16 10:23:57

Thank you for your replies. No, there's no history between them in that respect. DH is a lovely helpful person, I think he likes to feel needed, I think this has just gone a little over the boundaries?

AnyFucker Mon 29-Aug-16 10:29:28

I would start digging

This is very dodgy. The "friend" is trying to tell you something (the fb digs) and your husband sounds like he has got himself into a very tricky situation. He is possibly keeping some contact with her secret from you as he frightened if he tries to drop her she will spill the beans about how far those boundaries have been crossed.

Ithinkimparanoid Mon 29-Aug-16 10:36:50

That's the strange thing...my gut tells me that, emotionally, he's been a substitute husband but I honestly don't think it gone any further...I think that she wants me.to think it has if you see what I mean?
I think he would feel bad dropping her altogether as he is a bit of a softy. But still think he needs to realise that it's a bit much...

Berthatydfil Mon 29-Aug-16 10:49:51

She's not your friend or a friend of your marriage.
I think she's made a play for your dh.
You need to put up some clear boundaries so if she drops in uninvited when dh is due to work late then either don't invite her in "sorry it's not convenient" or get rid of her before he comes home, don't be such a good hostess and don't open the wine and be blunter about the hints or get up get her coat and tell her you and dh need an early night. Go to the gym with dh. But tbh unless she's a good friend of yours I would cut contact with her.
I think there's a book that's recommended on these type of threads I think it's called something like not just friends by Shirley glass.

RandomMess Mon 29-Aug-16 10:52:24

I think you need to be blunt with your DH "She fancies you, our marriage needs protecting and building up again - we need very firm boundaries in place or we will end up back where we are"

Mosseywossey Mon 29-Aug-16 10:52:43

From what you said it sounds like your husband realises how far it got. He sounds really decent. But I think your justified a little digging. Personally I think she is using your husband as a substitute and maybe even trying to break it up. But I'm paranoid

RandomMess Mon 29-Aug-16 10:53:43

we are"... - I meant were!

Ithinkimparanoid Mon 29-Aug-16 11:03:53

Sorry, i forgot to say, i no longer have contact with her if I can help it. She is aware of how I feel about it I believe.

TheStoic Mon 29-Aug-16 11:07:19

Can you paraphrase the FB posts?

Trust yourself. It has crossed your boundaries if it is making you feel uncomfortable. You have every right to protect your own boundaries.

RandomMess Mon 29-Aug-16 11:07:40

You need to be very very honest with your DH, he needs to cut contact with her otherwise it will be a shadow over your relationship. If he feels bad about it then ask him - whose feelings are more important to him - yours or hers?

Ithinkimparanoid Mon 29-Aug-16 11:26:26

Difficult without outing myself...but think along the lines of a quote a bit like secret love song by little mix but not as blatant confused I've tried asking him but he just says oh she's harmless blah blah blah

AnyFucker Mon 29-Aug-16 12:12:21

I would stop blaming her and examine your husband's behaviour with a clearer eye

Some men would be flattered by the role of White Knight and if he brushing off your concerns you need to make it clear it is him threatening your marriage, not her

Boundaries can only be breached if they are weak in the first place and the attention she is giving him is flattering his ego. It's a very slippery slope after that.

There is more to this than he is telling you, IMO

Mosseywossey Mon 29-Aug-16 12:13:32

Maybe talk with him about how you feel. How would he like it if you had done what he has done with a male friend ect. I honestly do think you have a legitimate reason to be paranoid.

Ithinkimparanoid Mon 29-Aug-16 13:29:22

Don't get me wrong, I know he's not blameless in all of this....I think as a friend she wasn't great, so I dwindled the contact anyway, I'm disappointed in DH that he's so dismissive of my opion...i think it's got to the point now where I have to be more assertive and put my point accross regarding their friendship and how it is affecting me, but thought I might come across as being a bit neurotic, hence me posting here. It's reassuring to know you think it's not all in my head

Hidingtonothing Mon 29-Aug-16 13:46:15

I think you have to be quite blunt with DH here OP, tell him it's bothering you and that it's entirely reasonable that you should expect your feelings to come before hers. Don't let him make you out to be neurotic, if he attempts to justify her (or his own) behaviour simply return to the point that it's bothering you and that should be enough reason for him to cut contact. Random has it, whose feelings are more important to him here is an excellent question to ask if he starts defending his 'right' to contact with her.

RandomMess Mon 29-Aug-16 13:47:24

Thing is, it doesn't matter if it's in your head or not. Her "friendship" with your DH is damaging your marriage - he should be prioritising his relationship with you over "caring" about her - she has deliberately caused conflict between you yet he still is in contact with her...? How would he feel if you did that to him?

M0rven Mon 29-Aug-16 13:52:40

I think you need to be blunt with your DH "She fancies you, our marriage needs protecting and building up again - we need very firm boundaries in place or we will end up back where we were

This. I don't think the problem is your feelings. Or even her behaviour. It's HIS behaviour.

Ithinkimparanoid Mon 29-Aug-16 14:11:45

Thankyou, yes you're right. I'm making excuses because I feel hurt that he hasn't cut contact despite me asking. I suppose I'm scared it will end up causing an argument and I hate conflict. I need to sit down and have a totally frank discussion about it without backing down.
It is a little awkward as she is also friends with MIL so it's hard to cut her out completely..but I need him to do this for me

Mix56 Mon 29-Aug-16 14:26:45

Just block her on fb. she is not your friend.
or reply to her does your H know you are hitting on my husband ?

Tell your H that his loyalty should be placed firmly within your marriage, & she clearly wants him as her property, if this continues, then he can do one, & before he starts any PA stuff. "This has to stop now, or I will be assuming that she is indeed your OW, & please stop being a jerk & put up some barriers before our marriage is over."

JackandDiane Mon 29-Aug-16 14:44:47

oh the song lyrics tell you everything you need to know!

debbs77 Mon 29-Aug-16 14:48:36

My ex husband and his affair started one night when I left them downstairs watching a film as it was 3am and at least one of us needed to be up in the morning for the kids.

Trust your gut. Xx

Ithinkimparanoid Mon 29-Aug-16 15:20:47

Thanks for you advice, it's put things in to perspective for me.

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