Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Im too ugly for dh(79 Posts)
I dont know if this will come across as shallow so I've not spoken to anyone in rl but I feel like ending my marriage because Im just too ugly for him.
Im married with dcs and have been with dh 15 years, we were both quite young when we got together and I was never quite sure how I got him. He's good looking, not just in my opinion, but objectively so. He has a very minor amount of celebrity (you wouldn't have heard of him if you aren't in/dont follow his field but he's occasionally recognised) his job involves being in the public eye to some extent and he is comfortable on tv and speaking to the media, he's photogenic but modest.
He isn't up himself and to my knowledge isnt a womaniser, he's quite a humble person and keeps himself to himself. Maybe a good example is that he has very well defined arms and 6 pack but in the summer he wouldnt wander around town topless or in a tight fitting vest to show it off.
Recently I have had 2 different guys hit on me. I know them in a professional capacity, one is my age and has made comments for years that I always assumed were jokes as Im so ugly that I just always thought he was taking the piss. I've always just laughed it off but a few weeks ago he said that he thought that we should be together, he cant stop thinking about me etc. I wont go into it but he poured out his heart and it was all quite awkward. The other guy is just a man that I had to have a business lunch with who then sent me a text message afterwards to ask if Id like to go out on a date. I declined both and told dh who wasnt really bothered and isnt the jealous type. But these 2 things left me feeling as though maybe I have become more attractive. I had also been out with friends and had got quite a bit of attention. I usuay avoid going out if possible.
I started to think that, all things considered, I had maybe become attractive over the summer. I had a new hairstyle, had lost weight, new make up etc so it seemed plausible that maybe finally Id hit my stride in my 30s and the ugly duckling thing was just a 3 decade long phase.
Then this week I was looking at some pictures that had been taken of me at a do, some posed for and some off gaurd. They make me want to throw up. I know that sounds dramatic and immature. (To add to the dramatics and immaturity; they also make me want to scream and smash up the phone). I look so ugly. My face looks like a troll doll that has been turned on its side and smashed with a hammer. My hair looks shit. I look shit.
My dh has a high sex drive and I cant understand why he wants to sleep with me. I keep wondering if he's thinking of someone else. I don't know what he sees in me. I make myself feel sick so I dont know how I dont repulse him. He always wants the lights on, he wants to go on dates, he takes pictures of me on his phone (which I later delete) and he introduces me to people all the time. Sometimes I think it must be a massive pisstake at my expense. I feel like I cant be with him. When he comes home from work I always go into another room because I dont want him to see me. We havent eaten a meal together for months because I dont want to eat my food whilst wondering what he's thinking of his disgusting gross wife shovelling food into her fucking ugly face.
I know I should be happy and grateful that I have a dh that loves me but I'm exhausted from constantly trying to figure out why he does. I genuinely feel that if I wasnt with him my ugliness wouldnt matter so much to me, I could be ugly in peace.
I think you need therapy to work out why you hate yourself so much and to challenge those thoughts.
I suspect your husband probably thinks you're absolutely beautiful and not ugly at all.
What does he say about the fact that you've been refusing to eat meals with him?
Either you have serious anxiety and self esteem issues or this is a wind up. The language you use is pretty disturbed - "disgusting gross wife........fucking ugly" and so on. Dunno.
You really have some serious self esteem issues. For the sake of your sanity, your marriage, your children and yourself, please get some counselling.
Sweetheart you're not well. You need to go to a GP and tell them about how you're feeling. It is not normal or healthy to feel so incredibly bad about yourself.
No offence meant but you sound like you might be suffering from some form of body dysmorphia. Your perception of your looks seems to be so different from that of those around you.
(And your perception of your looks/attractiveness seems so extreme in general, including the not eating meals with him).
Would you consider counselling?
OP, it sounds like you really have serious issues surrounding yourself and how you look. Please look into getting some therapy around this, it sounds like it is very upsetting and destructive.
Another voice saying you need counselling. This isn't a normal way to feel about yourself.
Your post is so difficult to read OP. You are obviously in a lot of pain. Do you think you may have body dysmorphia? I suspect you are actually very attractive but for whatever deep seated reason, the wires have got crossed and you can't see it. I would agree that you need to access some therapy. Best of luck with everything.
I am so sorry you feel this way. There must be a reason you feel so ugly, and so unhappy with yourself. Please get some counselling, it will really help you work through this. Your partner obviously loves you and finds you attractive, as do other people. You need to learn to love yourself, and tackle the reasons why you feel so ugly and unloveable.
Hug for you
You are not seeing things clearly at all. You should have a better opinion of your husband - you are pretty much saying you think he is stupid for being with you.
You really need to get some help
Go and see your GP and get some RL help. Nothing anyone says on here will make you feel better.
The troll doll smashed with a hammer description is very extreme.
This is no way to live a life. Go to your GP and show them this post.
Please look into therapy. This is all you.
DH doesn't think you're ugly, nor do these fellas hitting on you (doesn't happen to me). DH is with you for more than your looks. If he had some kind of accident that changed how he looked, would you leave him? I doubt it.
Some people who aren't conventionally good looking (which you are, see above) can be sexy as hell because of the way they talk, mannerisms, intellect, humour etc.
Please look into getting therapy. This is just how you see you, not anyone else
Sorry pepperpot, I dont speak like that in rl. But in my mind that's what I'm thinking. I think if you saw me you might be too polite to say yes you are disgusting, but I dont think you'd say "this is a wind up". Im patently ugly. In school everyone told me that I was ugly and when a boy asked me out my dm asked me if I was sure he wasn't joking. After I had my first ds she told me that it'd be better to move back home as my dh would be looking for a trophy wife and it would be only a matter of time before he cheated. Every time she hears that he's working late she says "Im sure he is love". For what it's worth, I can check whether hes really at work and I dont think he is cheating. But the fact that my own dm isnt convinced that Im attractive enough for him says a lot.
If I do my hair, make up, nails and dress nicely I feel ok. I can even take a selfie at a certain angle and then change the lighting and tone and look ok. But when I catch my reflection in shop or even on the tube in the windows I feel devastated.
When we got married we had a professional photographer and I said to him when you send proofs please dont send any of me with my mouth open or a close up on my face. I didnt ever get the disposable ones developed because they'll be candid and I would have ended up obsessing about what people were thinking of the hideous bride. They've been in the cupboard years and years.
I once cut all of my hair off in anger, I had bald patches. I've cut up all my clothes before.
If you think its a wind up and im a troll please report this thread and Ill email some photos to mumsnet. I can guarantee that they will accept it's not a wind up if they see me.
As others have said, it sounds like you need help to see your true loveliness, physical, and otherwise.
I wonder if there is something in your past where you have been constantly encouraged to see yourself as "the ugly one"? There could be loads of reasons why you believe it, though.
FWIW, I am no Kate Moss, but I am okay looking. If I look in the mirror I can see that I am not ugly (although not utterly gorgeous). But I hate photos of myself. They always seem to be taken at an angle that shows my my largish nose, or my neck, which is starting to be a bit wattley. Or they are taken half way to a smile, so there's no real expression on my face, or when I'm talking.
I have had some photos taken professionally (family shots, not just me) where I do actually look okay.
In other words, photographs are a split second in time - they don't tell the whole story, by any means.
You need therapy and to work on your self esteem issues.
It is as MiddleClass says all about how you perceive yourself in looks etc, not how others perceive you.
Hope you feel better soon.
Okay, I x-posted.
There's a lot there to unpick with your mother, and how horrible she was to you growing up!
Go and get some therapy!
please look into counselling - either go to your GP to signpost you or try the BACP to find a therapist.
From the little you've said, it doesn't sound like you're objectively ugly or unattractive - but that's almost irrelevant. You need to work on your relationship with how you look.
I feel the same way about seeing almost all photos of myself and I get very anxious and upset at the thought of people seeing photos of me that I haven't vetted first. But I don't take this as far as not wanting to be seen by people in real life and objectively I know I am not actually ugly.
If you have a good looking husband and guys are hitting on you then you know rationally you can't actually be that ugly and yet you persist with the belief that you are. You sound like you need some professional help as this seems to have reached a level that is completely beyond normal.
Well the second post makes it clear where a lot of your toxic ideas about yourself come from! My DM was a bit like that (nowhere near extreme) but filled my teen years with comments about how I could never wear certain things or colours etc. because I wasn't good looking enough...and there was always a turd polishing vibe to her commentary when out shopping.
Hating yourself so much will eventually destroy you. Not your appearance (whatever that really is), but the hating. The hating can be fixed by a) not allowing your DM to speak to you until she has something to say that is deliberately and spitefully undermining b) getting some counselling to help you separate fact from your own and her fiction.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.