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Naughty guy from work

(54 Posts)
Asia88 Mon 29-Aug-16 00:11:30

I don't know what to do with this guy. He is good looking and active sort of a lad, comes to my office every now and again as mostly he works for another branch of business in London. We've gone to cinema together once and like to chat about films, he loves flirting with me but after a few months admitted he had a long term partner (not willingly and seemed somewhat embarrassed about it.)

I wasn't really disappointed or anything since what we had was nothing near any serious involvement just friendship really. However with time I can see he takes great pleasure in teasing me, would like to chat constantly on whatsapp and keeps on suggesting we exchange naughty pictures (I absolutely banned him from sending me anything even remotely naughty but he keeps trying.)

It's not really a big issue but firstly I feel really bad for his partner... Also I happened to get engaged in the meantime and start to think all this chat is highly inappropriate. Call me weird but I don't see any point of these conversations - nothing will ever come out of these (not sure what he is counting on?) and I wouldn't want my fiancé to see these stupid messages and possibly be hurt over this bloke.

I would have normally blocked him or just stopped responding to him but part of my role is to keep good relationships with his division as we cooperate remotely quite a bit. He is alright in emails and when making movie recommendations it's just these texts are weird and in a way I'm upset that he is using the dynamic to flirt with someone ten years younger and more junior.

merville Mon 29-Aug-16 00:14:19

Naughty - more like scummy.
I'd keep it extremely minimal and neutral in any communications, I'm sure he'll get the message sooner or later.

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Aug-16 00:19:40

He's a twat. Avoid him.

Queenbean Mon 29-Aug-16 00:21:34

What exactly do you want any of us to say to you? That this is ok in any way?

GiddyOnZackHunt Mon 29-Aug-16 00:26:53

You 'happened to get engaged'? What strange phrasing.
Have you actually told him that you think you should wind it down as you and he are both in steady relationships?
Or speak to your manager and say that you'd prefer not to manage this relationship any more as it makes you uncomfortable.

PepsiPenguin Mon 29-Aug-16 00:28:37

Vile is the word I would use.

1) You have told him you don't want him to send you pictures of his cock (I'm guessing that's what he is offering up) and yet he keeps "trying"

2) He has a long term partner, yet he is still being in appropriate (see 1)

3) he knows you have a fiancé, yet he is still being in appropriate (see 1) although you are not clear how long you have known him or if your fiancé was your boyfriend when all the flirty stuff happened

4) you would have normally blocked him, so it's making you very uncomfortable.

You tell him your engaged and you want to keep things professional - end of discussion. If he still goes on about the dirty pictures, you tell him "I'm engaged and this isn't appropriate" this is not rude, this is to the point and unless your VERY clear with this man this will not stop as he will think your coyness is just part of the game.

TheSparrowhawk Mon 29-Aug-16 00:29:26

A 3 year old who takes an extra sweet is naughty.

A grown man who is engaged but who exploits work relationships in order to get his kicks out of someone he isn't really interested in is an immature arsewipe.

I would report him for sexual harassment.

TheCraicDealer Mon 29-Aug-16 00:40:18

'Naughty'? FGS woman, get a grip! He's an adult who has been told to stop behaving in a certain way and yet he persists. Any fella that hides a GF, long or short term, isn't good news, and that's before you even get onto the pressuring you into sending him filth. Take it from someone who knows- the sooner you stop thinking of him as your 'mate' and start realising he's out for number one (him, obvs) the better!

Does your fiancé know you see/text him? If he sees those type of msgs on your phone you'll have a tough time convincing him that it was completely one-sided. If that's not enough to make you call time on this then I don't know what would do it tbh.

Asia88 Mon 29-Aug-16 00:44:14

@PepsiPenguin yes to all the points but the one re: telling him about my engagement. I didn't explicitly tell him as have been withholding any info of personal nature trying to make these conversations neutral from my end but had a picture with fiancé as my whatsapp profile pic and pic of my hand the ring as well so would hope he gets it...

As to reporting him... He doesn't fall under the same HR division as me and his boss I imagine couldn't care less (he's another lad and they are quite friendly.)

I'm also not looking to cause these type of waves or problems for the guy, he is not all horrible or anything just want to have an excuse to stop but not damage the business relationship.

Gracey1231 Mon 29-Aug-16 00:48:32

Don't reply to him unless it's work related! Think of how you'd feel if your fiancé was doing this behind your back! It's unfair to both your partners, and just think, if he's desperate to send you pics of his cock then he doesn't have much else to back it up lol!

Imscarlet Mon 29-Aug-16 00:50:26

You need to tell him explicitly that you are engaged now and not interested in this type of relationship. Men have this thing where they don't pick up on hints and you have to spell it out to them. Also, if you have been to the cinema with him and engage with him in these text messages, you are sending him mixed signals. After spelling it out to him you need to not engage.

apatheticfallacy Mon 29-Aug-16 01:02:41

To be completely frank, it sounds like you enjoy his attention... Or st least you did initially - going to the cinematic doesn't send a very clear 'no' message.

But that's what you must do now. You have to be 109% squeaky clean in all forms of communication because of it gets back to your boss it'll be embarrassing g and if your fiancé finds something inappropriate it could be life changing. Much easier to tell your fiancé about it now so you're not hiding anything and only have purely work-related conversations from now on.

Your boss isn't going to force you to flirt/send inappropriate pictures to someone to maintain a good working relationship, partly because it's wholly inappropriate to do so, but also because mixing romance/list and work does not equate to a stable business relationship.

It takes two to tango, take off your dancing shoes

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 29-Aug-16 01:11:29

You're almost as bad as he is

exWifebeginsat40 Mon 29-Aug-16 01:33:08

righto.

MudCity Mon 29-Aug-16 08:10:21

Stop messaging unless it is work related. Keep all messages totally professional....not cinema, not what you did at the weekend, not what sort of day you are having....

It may bake a while but he will get the message eventually.

Simple.

DoreenLethal Mon 29-Aug-16 08:19:28

'This is totally inappropriate. Please keep all further communication to work related topics. I am now going to remove you from Whats app to avoid you being able to send me inapproprite images, and blocking your phone number for the same reason.'

pinkdonkey Mon 29-Aug-16 08:39:50

You need to tell him straight that these messages are inapropriate and are making you feel uncomfortable. I think he is using you as an ego boost, but it needs to stop, (if you do this by email you will have written evidence should you need it for HR/manager/DP) If it contines I would speak to your manager or HR. Just because you were ok with it at one point doesn't mean you are now and he needs to respect that.

I've been in the position where an older, more senior male collegue has been over friendly, he's married and knows that I am too. (was also asking me to add him on whats ap, glad I didn't reading this, at the time didn't as didn't feel comfortable giving him my personal mobile number). At the time I had a rabbit in headlight moment where I froze and didn't deal with the situation effectvely. I worried about it for a while then discussed it informally with my manager (who is not his manager) we talked about how I would deal with things if on an informal level and it made me feel a lit better that she agreed his behaviour was inapropriate. Following that discussion I went from feeling embarrassed and a little guilty for not handling things better and worrying about embarrassing him or getting in trouble, to realising that I had nothing to be embarrassed about and why the hell shouldn't he feel embarrassed about the way that he had behaved.

I'm hoping it was a one off incident fueled by too much wine at a work do (on his part not mine) where as your situation seems to have been going on a while so might be more embedded behaviour, but the same holds true that if you ask him to stop contacting you like thisand he doesn't he's in the wrong and you shouldn't feel bad about him getting in trouble over it. You shouldn't need to tollerate this to keep him onside as part of your job.

Isetan Mon 29-Aug-16 08:48:54

Remove him from what's app, block all non work related contact and if he persists talk to your HR (they won't be happy that a member of their staff is being harassed by someone closely related to their business).

He's an obvious arsehole but your inability to acknowledge it (naughty isn't a word readily associated with harassment) and your own inappropriate behaviour, is very worrying.

Asia88 Mon 29-Aug-16 08:54:31

@apatheticfallacy Do I enjoy the attention? I don't think so - I wince every time he sends me a whatsapp, I feel obliged to have at least a little chat but then need to skilfully withdraw when he starts getting all flirty.

I guess the concept that an attractive more senior guy likes me is nice in principle, but his delivery is so obvious it is hard not to realise it has more to do with him and his fantasies rather than who I am as a person. He makes no real effort to get to know me via these messages - my blatant non disclosure of anything personal is met with non-acknowledgement as he carries on with the pictures & flirting undisturbed.

Someone said "don't talk about him re: how is your day etc" - I never initiate convo on whatsapp unless it is work related - and could you believe he TOLD ME OFF for that saying that he gave me his personal number so I should not "bother" him with work stuff there confused

I might just have to block him and if he ever brings it up just say I lost my phone or something. Don't think he would bring it up until next time in my office (he doesn't use email for any of the slime stuff) which would be no sooner than some months on.

Asia88 Mon 29-Aug-16 09:05:06

@lsetan I don't see how my behaviour is particularly "worrying" - I used the word "naughty" because English is my second language and this one came to mind most readily to describe a colleague being a tad out of line.

I'm not someone who throws the word "harassment" around at people willingly as it is a serious accusation and I'm unwilling to go down that route unless I feel I can't handle the situation any other way.

However if you feel I am a victim of that offence it is not very nice to imply I'm somehow bringing this behaviour onto myself. The fact that we've gone to cinema once and before I even met my fiancé and was aware he had a partner is not particularly damning IMO.

Asia88 Mon 29-Aug-16 09:14:03

@pinkdonkey Thanks I agree wholeheartedly he takes these exchanges as some sort of an ego boost.

You are right these have been extended in time now must be close to 2 years - I've let it go on for so long because although when he goes at it he can get intense, we maintain very infrequent contact and can go for weeks or months without a single message - though I do think he'd like these messages to happen more often (told me off previously for leaving chat mid-convo and always replies to any contact within seconds.)

Someone said "you need to stop thinking of him as your mate" I guess that's the bit I'm struggling with - I can't get myself to see him one-dimensionally as some sort of user and abuser and genuinely believe his a nice bloke - albeit clearly in need of some ego boost or sexual outlet - just that I don't want to be that.

Isetan Mon 29-Aug-16 09:46:29

There you go again "a tad out of line"??? How else would you describe the behaviour of a work colleague requesting and trying to send send explicit images to another colleague? This man is harassing you, there's no way his sleazy behaviour could otherwise be interpreted.

I called your behaviour inappropriate because I assume there must have been an overlap between your 'friendly' interactions with this man and you being in a relationship. This has been going on for two years, your ability to 'handle' the attentions of this sleazy man came and went a long time ago and yes, your refusal to acknowledge that this man is harassing you, is very worrying.

Do you you think you're the first female colleague whose been subject to this creeps brand of 'flirting'?

BertrandRussell Mon 29-Aug-16 09:52:09

This needs to go straight to HR.

Believeitornot Mon 29-Aug-16 09:53:57

I think you're as bad as each other quite frankly!

PepsiPenguin Mon 29-Aug-16 10:06:02

Hi OP, the reason I asked about if you were with your fiancé when it started was to try to gague if he was in the beginning thinking you were single or if he knew you had a partner and was still chancing his arm.

There is nothing wrong with a male and female colleague being friendly, there is a lot wrong with what you are going through.

He is not being friendly, he is actively making you feel uncomfortable and he is trying to get to a point where he has the opportunity to have sex with you.

The fact you clearly are being made to feel uncomfortable and do not want to have sex with him means you have to be very clear with this man, otherwise this will continue.

You cant see him as a friend, you need to see him for what he is. This is what he is: someone who is trying to get in your knickers, wants to have photos of you naked for his own personal gratification and is happy to put your relationship with your fiancé at risk.

If he contacts you with a friendly social text, don't respond if he chases just say "your busy" - he starts that way to try and reel you in, stop letting him do this. if he ever asks to see naked photos again you just say "this isn't appropriate I have a fiancé, I'm going to block your number on what's app now, let's keep things professional and see you in the office"

That's it, he will go away and likely focus his attention on another poor woman.

It's almost like you have to break up with him, you do not have to put up with this and it is harassment, he isn't using his work phone because of work and also possibly to avoid his partner seeing anything.

Don't engage with him, he will go away.

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