DH has left, unfortunately he's taken the car

[BurningBridges]

We are in our 50s, married 25+ years, DDs are young teens. We are on point of losing the house due to debt, he is on point of retiring netting enough cash to repay debt and we had a plan to live on for the next 10+ years. We hate the sight of each other.

I thought he had mental health problems, but really is just a git. He is very aggressive, manipulative, man-child - came to a head today as he was wagging his finger in my face I said you do that again you can fuck off, so he did. I said why not get a hotel for a few nights see how you feel, he said he'd sleep in the car. He's taken clothes, meds, water etc. And the car.

The house has an enormous mortgage and is in a terrible mess - that's one of the reasons we argue so much, he refuses to do anything - if we sell now we will come out with a few thousand each, enough to stop us being entitled to benefits, but not enough to buy anywhere to live.

I know this is going to be a massive drip feed as I can't think, but really I expect he'll be back tonight or tomorrow, acting the martyr. I am thinking we really need to go to Relate about splitting up/I need to see a solicitor.

The other option is that we split the house up so he has a sort of bedsit downstairs. I don't know what I am talking about. I had expected this day for years, now its here I am confused - I hate him, but practically its a financial mess. And the kids are devastated. They know exactly how things are, he has no filter and often screamed the place down in front of them, but after all, he is their Dad.

What shall I do next?

[ThreeSheetsToTheWind]

If he comes back be normal, as if it didn't happen, hard I know. Then asap go and get legal advice. See a solicitor, go to CAB and get as much information as you can. It helps a lot to make a decision when you have information. Good luck.

Also, (not bitter at all!) syphon off as much cash as you can, cash back when shopping etc, stock up on long life essentials.

[BurningBridges]

Do you know my DH Three?! That is exactly what I was thinking re cash.

I reckon he will come back and want to pretend normality, a good friend has just told me that too. Have you done this before?!

[ThreeSheetsToTheWind]

My Ex froze our joint bank account. All our DD's and SO's were allowed but I had no access to our money, our joint money that I had worked extremely hard for! Anything outside DD's and SO's had to have a jointly signed cheque. I ended up over £14,000 in debt, admitted to hospital with chest pains due to anxiety. I am still on betablockers several years later.

:) It was three years before I had to buy shampoo hahahah

[Cabrinha]

What do you mean by on point of retiring?
This year, or 5 years?
Usually I'm a fan of getting on with it, but actually if you're really close to paying off debt, I'd sit tight - as long as you have a firm plan to do that and we're talking VERY short term.

You say only a few thousand left after debt repayment but enough to stop benefits - isn't that £16K? £16K is more than a few thousand. And it doesn't stop benefits forever, but for the time you're over £16K I suppose.

My strategy would depend in part on the reason for this debt. If it's because of him misspending I'd divorce him ASAP before he can piss away any more.

Also a benefit to splitting whilst the kids are young teens - if they'll stay with you - because you can push for a better share of the assets you do have.

Can you actually pay off this enormous mortgage? It sounds doubtful so it might be better to ditch the house sooner rather than later - what are your options for downsizing and moving to a cheaper area?

[BurningBridges]

Blimey Three you could give me lessons!

Carbrina He is due to retire in a few months. I was trying to hold on, but I lost it when he was up in my face being so aggressive, not sure why after 25+ years of it all. I wanted to get all this sorted out and then review our options. And yes I reckon we'd get about £20k each but that would go in rent within 20 months. I am freelance, sometimes I earn, sometimes nothing. His pension cannot support a house or even a bedsit on its own, hence I wanted to stay here, tolerate each other, pay out debts, see our children through uni or college, then decide what to do. Do you think I was being over-optimistic?
BTW the debt is joint, we both incurred it, then DH left me to manage it. his wages go into our joint account,as do mine, it all goes on debt, I get shopping, pay bills etc. He simply turns up for his dinner every night and if there is an expense, we agree it. But we had no money left each month to live on e.g., repair car etc. As he is in poor health,we agreed he would retire, take a part time job, and take lump sum - this would clear unsecured debt.

Plan was then to sell this in about 10 years time and get something smaller so that mortgage was clear. But in my mind I was going to say to him shall we get somewhere small together, or somewhere small apart. I am not sure I can take another 10 years of his aggression and entitlement whilst we see out the mortgage. In fact today shows I am incapable of it.

[tribpot]

So the debt is joint but whose name is it in? If you split before he retires, is he quids in?

Can you improve your own earning situation? Occasional freelance work doesn't sound very sustainable.

I'd say not subjecting the children to years more of his screaming is probably the priority.

[BurningBridges]

Tri - agree.

The debt is mostly in his name. If we split before he retires, we will simply have to take it out of the house, so I think we will still end up with the same small pot each. No one will come out of it well.

I had already planned to see a solicitor about the pension business, and then have a think. Will have to bring appointment forward.

I've texted him and said either come home and sleep on sofa or get a hotel and we will talk later in week but that I have to lock doors at 11pm (as I don't want him creeping up on us 3 in the morning). He said when he left he would text the kids later but not sure what "later" means.

[Cabrinha]

I would think very carefully before taking early retirement and using the lump sum to clear debt.

Right now, pension money isn't accessible. So if you went into some kind of DMP, I don't think it would be calculated.

I speak to a debt charity like Stepchange or National Debtline before paying it off that way.

[Cabrinha]

And don't pay for a bloody hotel! That's £40 a night minimum. He storms out, he sofa surfs.

[BurningBridges]

Right, he's back, I'm in DD's room, he can't sleep on sofa he says due to health problems. He has no friends so no one else's sofa either. Cabrinha that's a good point. I will look in to it - I'm going to do one of those half hour free solicitor appointments next week when kids are back at school.

So drama over, till the next time. Thank god that car is back. Seriously as Three said earlier, all flippancy aside, I need to plan. The fact that he thinks he can do this (which he's done before but not for years), flounce out, flounce back etc., says that this is unmanageable.

[AnnieOnnieMouse]

It's a hell of a readjustment when a DP retires. He will be under your feet and in your face 24/7. No solutions, just take a while to consider that.
I have to say, tho, DH and I get on far better since he has retired, as he was so glad to give up his shitty commute.
Whatever happens - PLAN

[RealityCheque]

"The fact that he thinks he can do this (which he's done before but not for years), flounce out, flounce back etc., says that this is unmanageable."

I thought YOU told HIM to fuck off/leave for a few nights then YOU texted HIM inviting him back. That's a long way removed from 'flouncing'!