My sister phoned me this morning in bits over BIL.
BIL had an affair years ago which went on for a number of years, but it was based on sex and it ended when my sister found out about it. She has never really trusted him since then.
They have gone on to have 3 children and my sister has tried to put it behind her.
I have always supported her whatever decision she has made and I have always made BIL welcome. I have been careful not to say anything nasty about him in all of this time because my sister chose to work on the marriage and I didn't want to alienate her and they have gone on to have children who I love with all my heart.
During the marriage, BIL has been irresponsible financially and partly because of this, they have not been able to enjoy the lifestyle my sister wanted for her children. BIL can't be trusted with money but he has been better recently.
Over the last couple of years, my sister feels BIL has distanced himself from the family mentally and isn't as interested in the children or my sister as he used to be. He almost appears at times not to care. My sister also holds a lot of resentment that they are penny pinching as much as they are and she blames BIL for this.
She says BIL doesn't want to leave but she doesn't know if he loves her anymore or is just there because he likes the status quo.
Now she has found he is still being dishonest about how much money he has,and what he is spending it on. We are talking about small amounts of 10 or 20 pounds a week but my sister feels that isn't the point. Added to which,she has now discovered he took out a phone contract she knew nothing about. He has owned up when she confronted him.
He is the main earner and my sister will lose most of the income without him. He also does the main childcare at the weekend because he works so late during the week.
She has phoned me up in pieces and wants to know what to do to fix the marriage for the sake of the children and their financial security. She says she still loves him but she has an incredible amount of resentment towards him.
I have asked her to come over if she wants to talk and she has agreed to come over later today but I honestly don't know what to advise her.
I divorced 4 years ago and she doesn't always feel I understand how much she wants to work this out. I want to be supportive but it's difficult for me to see my sister being lied to and taken for a fool. I am on her side completely and I want her to see that.)
I know she wants to save the marriage. But how?
Am I misleading her by letting her believe it can be saved? She says she doesn't trust him at all and can't help but frequently bring up the affair and the mismanagement of money. The children adore their dad and are mostly unaware of the tensions. There is very little arguing or silent treatment. They just don't spend time together. It's all such a mess. I want to offer her some comfort. Some support.
Can anyone tell me he will change?
He's a lovely man if it weren't for these problems.
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I don't want to alienate my sister.
5 replies
Jesuswepthelpmeadvise · 28/08/2016 17:17
OP posts:
pauldacreshairlessnutsack ·
28/08/2016 17:31
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