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Advice honestly don't know what to say yo friend about her children's dad

(18 Posts)
Pisssssedofff Sun 28-Aug-16 13:11:51

Basically he will not acknowledge them. They split two years ago, he paid child support until the day the new girlfriend got pregnant and then he stopped and stopped responding to her messages.
Every month or so she sends a polite enough message asking him to sort this out, for the past 9 she's received nothing aside of the new girlfriend calling her a pschyo.
I honestly don't know what to say, she should give up really but equally why should she. He has a new baby, I'm not kidding timed to the day since his last payment.

Pisssssedofff Sun 28-Aug-16 13:12:59

I should say she actually doesn't care about the money because I've suggested Csa and all that it's the refusal to acknowledge the children.

SandyY2K Sun 28-Aug-16 13:27:16

Unless she takes him to court he won't pay up and even then he'll try and dodge, but that's her only hope to get any money and she should do it.

It's the principle of it. That money can be used for their education and daily living.

eyebrowsonfleek Sun 28-Aug-16 13:33:07

You can't force a parent to acknowledge and see the kids.

Go to the CSA and get child maintenance sorted.

Dozer Sun 28-Aug-16 13:34:33

CSA, and other than that she can't do much about him being a twat and abandoning his DC.

Pisssssedofff Sun 28-Aug-16 13:37:56

I agree it's the principal but also the audacity of him and this other girl having the nerve, I hope karma exists I really do in this case.

TheNaze73 Sun 28-Aug-16 14:03:37

Karma is bollocks, I wouldn't rely it. She needs to get her sensible head on here & stick to the facts. Yes, he's a cock but, she'll never change that. And whatever she does or says, the OW will think she's a pyscho

eyebrowsonfleek Sun 28-Aug-16 18:11:36

She needs to emotionally detach and not waste energy hoping, chasing and thinking about them. (I know it's easier said than done but trust me...)

Cabrinha Sun 28-Aug-16 18:14:37

Is she building up a history to show her children, so they know she tried? Especially if he later pulls the "she was bitter and stopped me" crap?

In which case, I'd tell her to go for it.

Pisssssedofff Sun 28-Aug-16 18:16:14

Well she's keeping the emails but I suggested deleting them as she pours over them looking at what she supposedly did wrong. I think NC is a good idea personally but it's easier said than done I guess

Ninasimoneinthemorning Sun 28-Aug-16 18:22:32

She needs to keep all emails as they be useful in court.

She needs to push on for the CS as that money is for her kids not her. They need that money. He actually doesn't get a choice in paying it.

One of my friends is going through somthing similar - luckily she isn't a push over and and went to the CS.

Sh hasn't done anything wrong. Men do this all the time. She needs to pick herself up - dust herself off and focus on getting what her children are owed.

HappyJanuary Sun 28-Aug-16 19:04:03

I'd tell her to give up pushing for him to acknowledge his children. She can't make him into a better dad, just run herself into the ground trying.

It doesn't bode well for his new family that he has cut off his old one so completely. I wonder what his new partner thinks of a man who is capable of that? No doubt he has fed her lies and she's pretended to believe them.

Chase maintenance through legal channels. Document all contact for future reference.
Concentrate on being a brilliant mum to compensate her DC for their terrible father;
one day they'll make up their own mind about him.

spudlike1 Sun 28-Aug-16 19:24:53

She should go for child maintenance but maybe she is still.emotionally attached / dosen't want to push him away / antagonise him or ow . Maybe she needs to get 'over him' first . I really feel for her, his actions are hurtful and will have knocked her confidence.

Cabrinha Sun 28-Aug-16 19:27:14

Bad advice to tell her to delete them I think.
Not good if she's pouring over them, but that will pass in time - better to then be left with the evidence that she didn't try to cut him off.
I'd stop getting involved in what she does with the emails, and focus on getting her onto the CMS.

Pisssssedofff Sun 28-Aug-16 19:35:07

She's no interest in the money though, earns 6 figures just doesn't want the kids to feel 2nd best I guess to the new shiny son and heir. Money is the only way though isn't it. And then she's accused of being money grabbing by her own family 😟

Rubberduck2 Sun 28-Aug-16 19:40:20

Me and DD went NC with her bio dad over a year ago now. Best thing we have done. We both know where we stand and DD, who was 9 when we went NC, had had enough of not being let down by him.

He moved to another country 4 years ago after we split up and comes to the uk once a year. I've not had any money off him in this time and can't get at him in the country he now lives in.

Once the decision has been made to go NC it's a weight off the shoulders, she should seriously consider it.

I don't get these men who just abandon their kids. Cunts the lot of them!

Dozer Sun 28-Aug-16 20:10:46

She should keep the emails, and continue to offer contact.

Sounds like she needs help to understand that he's a cock: not her fault. Ditto family who say twattish things like that about seeking maintenance.

She might not "need" his money, but it is for the DC and could mount up nicely in their savings account. Paying maintenance will also make it harder for him to live as though he has just one DC.

HappyJanuary Mon 29-Aug-16 00:25:23

I agree, the maintenance is for their child and she can save it for them if she doesn't need it.

If it was me I'd email monthly - bit of news about his child and offering contact. Might be useful in the future if he claims she denied contact, or to show her DC how hard she tried.

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