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My life looks glossy and fabulous but I'm so sad and feel like my life is a waste

(71 Posts)
Purisett Sun 28-Aug-16 10:09:59

I'm 31. I have a beautiful home that I bought two years ago. My friends comment on it and I enjoy being in it. I love making it nice and homely. But I'm alone mostly in it and it hurts so much.

I have a good job and I enjoy it most of the time. This means I also have a reasonable income and have spare money to buy a new lipstick or go for nice lunches.

I don't have a great relationship with my family, but I know they are there.

Despite all this I'm so unhappy. Because all I've ever wanted is a family. I hate having spare bedrooms with no child in it. I hate that my beautiful home is just for me. I often feel guilty and sad about this. I don't need the extra space. I don't need an above average income. My life feels like a waste.

When I first moved in a few months ago I didn't mind being on my own. In fact it was great to do up my home and make all the choices myself. But last week I bought some cushion covers for the seats at the dining table and when I got back I just thought what's the point?? I'm here alone most of the time anyway. No child to care for. No husband to come back to. All my money is spent on me and I've started to feel guilty about this and I would do anything to have a proper family without all these plus points. I would swap the nice home and job and money for a family in a second.

I have some good friends but they are all married or engaged, or at the least live with their OH. I don't want to be told to 'get some single friends' as I make friends with people because of who they are and not whether they are in a relationship... Also despite what people think most people are in relationships by my age, that's just how it is.

I feel low. I was on Match a year ago and then when I bought my house i stopped. I didn't meet anyone I was crazy about and im reluctant to try it again. I did have some nice dates.

I don't know what I want from this really. I just feel like everything I have would be better given to someone who has a family and financial demands and can share it all.

Purisett Sun 28-Aug-16 10:12:15

Just to clarify the timeline... I did the house up a bit so moved in a few months after it was bought, and was on match during this time but stopped once I moved.

DoinItFine Sun 28-Aug-16 10:16:50

You are 31.

You have a lovely house of your own, plenty of money, and a job you enjoy.

You are in pretty much the ideal position to find someone to share your life with and start a family.

The reason nobody feels sorry for you is that you are not anywhere near being an object of pity.

It's fine to be sad for things you want and don't have (yet).

But go out and live your amazing life and avail yoursrlf of all your opportunities.

Your life is not a waste. You are important and worthwhile on your own.

FenellaMaxwell Sun 28-Aug-16 10:18:04

I felt like that exactly when I was 29. I had tried online dating but found it a bit daunting and hard work. Some good friends bullied me to give it another go. I met my lovely now husband after a few months, and 4 years later have a dog, and a baby on the way.

Just because something hasn't worked for you yet doesn't mean it won't work - you may not find anyone by dating, no. But you certainly won't find anyone by sitting in your house alone not trying to meet people! Get out there! Say yes to things. Try new activities where you might meet somebody and give online dating another go. I know it's feel sad about it but the right person won't just fall into your lap - go and look for them!

loveyoutothemoon Sun 28-Aug-16 10:18:59

You should feel very fortunate with the luxuries that you have not guilty, life is short, start enjoying it. Like you say, the best friendships come naturally. Do you meet occasionally with your friends? Just because they have partners doesn't mean you can't meet with them. Could you be proactive and say something like "let's do this..." or if there's something you've enjoyed doing together "let's do this more often". Maybe be a bit more honest with your friends, say you get lonely. I know some people are proud, I know I've been like this.

Purisett Sun 28-Aug-16 10:20:45

I did used to believe that Doinitfine, but as the months have gone on I've just started thinking what's the point in this. I don't need 4 chairs at the table because the majority of meals are just me. And the list goes on. I have built my own life and now I feel I'm stuck with it on my own. I have always wanted a family and maybe I've been too picky with men in the past.

I wanted real love but I feel if I wait for that I may be alone forever.

Purisett Sun 28-Aug-16 10:24:07

My friends are good and I nake an effort to meet them. I see friends usually at least once a week.

It's the idea of being alone in where I am, what I do. Nobody to move furniture with on demand (lol) or choose curtains with. It was fun alone to start with, and now just feels like a big hole.

I probably should start online dating again. I did meet some fun people, and some were close to almost being relationships but I just wasn't interested enough to commit. I want to be really really sure and I just haven't felt that.

cestlavielife Sun 28-Aug-16 10:26:58

You can have a child without a husband...is it children you want or the whole package?
If children look into fostering or adoption or sperm donor....
If husband then serious dating/hobbies sports etc

Purisett Sun 28-Aug-16 10:28:21

I'm not sure to be honest. I have always wanted a husband and a family, but if that doesn't happen I would do it alone.

WipsGlitter Sun 28-Aug-16 10:29:22

I met DP at 33. He was 40. There's still time. But you need to make an effort. I met DP by asking a work colleague if her DP had any single friends.

Enjoy your lovely home and be open to new experiences.

DoinItFine Sun 28-Aug-16 10:29:34

You might well be alone forever.

It's unlikely, but possible.

And what jf you were?

There are far, far worse things that being single.

You can fill those chairs with people now.

They are not just waiting for a husband and children.

Don't waste the freedom you have now yearning for the inflexibility of life with children.

The world is your oyster. Go and swallow it whole with Guinness to follow and bring as many friends with you as you can.

I'm sure you have a lot more to contribute to the world than replicating your genes and doing endless rounds of laundry.

So do it.

Purisett Sun 28-Aug-16 10:30:53

Doinitfine your post made me laugh smile

You're right I know, I just have this sense of missing this part of life I want so much. I know there's other things I can do and should make more effort.

I might sign up to match again later.

DoinItFine Sun 28-Aug-16 10:39:11

smile

It's easy for me to say from 10 years and 3 children and 178,412 loads of washing on.

Imagine you have NO time to yourself. None. Well none that you can usefully turn into anything amazing, because you're so tired.

What would you want to do? If you had no time, what woukd be the one thing you would think was important enough to do with whatever time you could eke out?

Volunteer for something you care about? Learn a skill? Perfect one you have? Create something? Achieve some physical feat?

Pick one thing and do it. Start September 1st and see where you are next July.

Sure, do online dating in oursuit of operation genetic replucation.

But do the other thing as well. By 32 have a new string to your bow.

Good luck.

Update us.

Pisssssedofff Sun 28-Aug-16 10:44:48

For god sake wait, do not do it on your own please. You're a baby at 31 and at the height of your career and attractiveness and potential. Go on some holidays, enjoy yourself but please please please do not buy dperm off the net or something. You can and will have it all just be patient.

Purisett Sun 28-Aug-16 10:45:00

Thank you so much for the support. You've made me feel a little more positive already. I think it's time to get a bit busier and give online dating another go, and stop whinging..!!!

Squeegle Sun 28-Aug-16 10:48:33

purisett, I know just how you feel. I'm 50 now, at 30 I felt very like you. 2 kids, one XDP later, and I wish I'd been a bit more open in my thinking. Like Doinit says, like with DCs is utterly inflexible. I used to love travelling - oh how I wish I could go somewhere interesting now!!! For the last 15 years I've been on very nice but very domestic holidays. My DP turned out to be not what I'd hoped and I now have the two DCs to look after. Much as I love them I yearn for liberty, , and also see much more clearly that there are lots of alternative ways of living.
I do sympathise- but I also say, just enjoy it, do what you enjoy and try not to worry about it- you're still young and if you want to there is time to meet someone 😀

Bobochic Sun 28-Aug-16 10:54:03

Of course you are lonely.

Buying and furnishing a home on your own (no compromises!) is a wonderful hobby for a while but you need to move on and invest in hobbies with other like-minded people. Your chances of meeting a life partner increase exponentially in environments where you have all been selected fir a common trait/skill/interest.

Everydayaschoolday Sun 28-Aug-16 10:55:33

I was where you're at. Totally. I was alone in a lovely home that I paid for myself, decorated, earned well above average salary, excellent career, fabulous foreign holidays on my own - but was alone and wanted a family. Then I just met Mr Right (through work, although I did unsuccessfully try a dating site) and it all happened so quickly. Dated at 32, married and 1st child at 34, second child 37, and now I long for those quiet days I could read alone in my own home without masses of toys to trip over or endless laundry to do! It can all change in a heartbeat, OP. Enjoy where you are now, life can change so quickly. I now loving being a SAHM (I'm 42 now) but I miss the buzzing career and quiet home sometimes.

lotusbiscuit Sun 28-Aug-16 10:57:29

Did you get your house, job by waiting for it to happen? Or did you work hard, do some research, put the hours in? I bet you did all those things.

Wanting a partner and family is the same, its a big thing. Don't wait around waiting for the romantic thing, put the hours in, get back on the online dating scene and take control of your life. (this is the nearly 50 me talking to the nearly 30 me)

Flum Sun 28-Aug-16 11:00:23

I can understand how you must feel. your house does sound lovely though, it is a shame you can't enjoy it right now.

have you tried Tinder? I would be all over that shit if I was single.

lotusbiscuit Sun 28-Aug-16 11:04:00

Cycling /running .....lots of single men if you are into that......

Sadik Sun 28-Aug-16 11:08:37

Another thought - I can really see where you're coming from with the empty chairs, ignoring the relationship thing. Have you considered a lodger (renting a room out at a reasonable price which would let you be really picky and find a nice person) - or even taking in an asylum seeker / refugee whether on a short or long term basis?
I'm just coming out of a 25 year relationship, and while now isn't the moment, I know that I don't want to have a (relatively big) house to myself long term.

DailyMailPenisPieces Sun 28-Aug-16 11:11:25

You are only 31 - you have years ahead yet. It can happen so quickly once you meet the right one.

I second the volunteering idea to help make you feel you are contributing in some way.

By the way, enjoy your lovely house, because when children do arrive, you will have sticky finger prints and ketchup all over your dining room chair cushions wink

woowoowoo Sun 28-Aug-16 11:12:41

I can understand how you feel. You do sound very lonely.

However, life is what you make it.

How about you share your good fortune with others who are less fortunate? Could you volunteer with your local homelessness charity, perhaps? Local Councils are always looking for foster carers, respite carers for people with disabilities, and volunteers to look after homeless young people in crisis. If this sort of thing interests you, see if there is a Nightstop scheme near you and look on your local council website.

Do you like animals? Can you take in a rescue cat or dog? (I never used to be a cat person but I now have three lovely rescue cats who bring me so much comfort when I'm down). Could you volunteer at your local animal rescue?

I'd also look into learning a new skill in the evenings. Your local council / college should run classes for stuff like learning Spanish, sewing, DIY, cookery. I attended a craft course when my son was a baby and now I make money from it!

Please be aware, as others have said, that the grass is not always greener. Family life can look wonderful from the outside, but it is incredibly hardwork and relentless. Look at all the moaning and groaning on Mumsnet for a start! This forum would not exist if being parents was paradise!

Good luck OP. Please use this board to keep you motivated and give us updates on whatever you decide to do.

Papergirl1968 Sun 28-Aug-16 11:19:41

You sound just like me in my early 30s. I had a lovely him and good job but was lonely. I kept thinking id meet mr right but didn't. This was before the days of online dating! I wish now I'd been a bit more proactive...
But anyway, got to my late 30s, considered the options and decided to adopt. Had my two beautiful but very damaged girls when I was 40. Its bloody tough and there have been times I've thought we wouldn't make it but somehow we're still here, seven years on. Adoption isn't for everyone. Its just one option.
If I were you id give mr right a few more years, then consider your options. Just make sure you relax and don't come across as desperate! And could you maybe get a cat so there is someone to greet you when you come through the door?
Good luck.

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