So, I've recently discovered that my husband has been meeting up with a junior (female, younger and very attractive) after work and for lunches during the working day. He says it occurred 'several times a week' when he would take her out for meals or drinks after working late. He also saw her twice on a Saturday. He paid. This was back at the beginning of the year, lasted about 3/4 months and now appears to have fizzled out after I discovered a couple of months back that he had bought her a birthday gift. At that time I knew nothing about her, just that he had bought a random woman at work a birthday gift - I assumed he was having an affair, he denied it (and didn't tell me about any of these secret meetings) I told him that I wanted a divorce anyway because it is such a terrible relationship that it didn't matter whether or not he had actually had an affair. He talked me round and we agreed he could have 6 months to prove to me that he could change and our relationship would improve. It had, we had been having a much better time, spending time with each other without our kids and generally being closer and happy. This has never happened before in our 12 years of marriage. I discovered the secret meetings a couple of days ago after seeing his work emails, they clearly had an inappropriately close relationship but there is nothing sexual in the messages he sent to her but lots of her encouraging him to see her, arrangements being made, mildly flirty banter and her getting upset when the tone of the relationship appears to change back to work related after I found out. He tells me that there was no sexual attraction, that it was a platonic friendship which he used to discuss our relationship problems. He says he was too scared to tell me about his friendship with her because we were having a bad time, I was cold and talking about divorce. This is true, I was miserable with my crap husband and shit marriage.
He spent money, time and affection with this woman when I was at home miserable because he never showed me any respect, attention or affection and told me frequently that we didn't have the money to buy/do things. He apparently used this time with her to discuss our relationship. He would never take me out and everything we did needed to be organised by me or we would do nothing. He would go out with her in the evenings, and come home to me without telling me where he had been, letting me assume he had been at work.
We have two small children, a house that is being renovated and he has a very stressful, well paid job. Life was tricky for him and this was obviously some sort of escapism.
So now I have left, but he is begging for me to go back and work things out. He's saying all the right things to try and make me hopeful for the future. He says it wasn't an affair, but that he sees the mistakes he's made professionally ( he's her boss) and personally. He says it was about her helping him to get our relationship on track and being a sounding board- but I can't believe this- he could have spent the time and money with me if he actually wanted to save our marriage.
Leaving will be really difficult financially as well as personally and things had improved so much before I found the emails. I've spoken to one friend about it who things I should go home, kick him out and get marriage coinciding whilst we are separated. I can't see how I can trust him ever again and therefore how I can move forward, but I can't see me living without him either. What would you do?
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Help me put this into perspective
12 replies
justnodandsmile · 28/08/2016 07:30
OP posts:
Betaday ·
28/08/2016 19:35
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Betaday ·
28/08/2016 19:36
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Betaday ·
28/08/2016 19:38
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.