Dp is crap, I get mad & now I feel guilty...again.

[PeppasNanna]

We just keep going round in circles.

Dp won't pull his weight. I've reached the point where i can't cope anymore. Cried & got angry. Now I feel guilty.

I can't keep going round in circles. 17 bloody years. 4 dc & really had enough.

How do i stop feeling guilty about dp?

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

LTB and then you don't have to try to get him involved or feel guilty. He's a grown up, if he can't pull his weight he doesn't deserve to share a home with someone. You've given him plenty of chances to up his game, but he can't be arsed because he knows you'll do it.

Going on strike and waiting for him to pick up the slack doesn't work because he doesn't care as much as you do.

Sorry, you can't train someone whose doesn't want training. Maybe having to do 100% of the work in a home of his own will make him see sense?

[PeppasNanna]

Thanks for replying.

I'm so down this morning.

I cried & cried at dp yesterday. I never vry anymore but im exasperated & exhausted.

I'm so offended by his lack of effort. Hes no consideration for me.

He says things like, ' I offered to get up but you did'. But our dc are autistic & ds won't do a thing dp says. The boys were at playscheme & i hadn't their stuff ready as i didnt know dp intended to get up.

The main thing is that i asked dp to take all 4 dc out one day, everytime he had a long weekend. So 2 days over the entire 9 weeks summer holiday. 2days to let me tidy bedrooms. Keep on top of laundry. Hoover top to bottom. That sort of thing. He didn't take them out once.

I resorted to going out to get a break but even that, dp made me late by suddenly going out.

Hes not done any DIY in 2/3 years but at the start of the holidays. He ordered a garden toy. Hes spent 8 weeks building it & creating decking. Its not finshed & it meant he did thst most evenings. So available even less.

I don't know. I just want some support, abit of acknowledgement but i get nothing. I have hit rock bottom again. I planned these holiday so carefully. Organised Personal Budgets straight after the last summer holidays (months of assessments from Social Services) so I would cope better with the boys, this summer.

Employed & paid Carers as well, ( I pay them not dp, he thinks they are too expensive). All he had to do was take them out twice in 9 weeks.

Hes never going to step up. Its never going to change. I've spent years like this.

I actually can't carry on as i am. Its not even a choice. Mentally, I've lost all hope. I'm scared i will snap. Im scared, i will lose it once too often with the dc. Im scared i will end up so depressed yet again that i stop functioning.

I'm scared & exhausted. Yet my so called dp won't take our kids out for a day so i can tidy up...

[Trifleorbust]

Then he can fucking tidy up. Come on! Don't beg him, tell him. The decking can wait - the dishes are over there.

[Walkacrossthesand]

I guess the way to look at it is, that if you split up, you won't have any more work to do (you're doing it all already), and you won't have the corrosive emotional drain of disappointed expectation that the adult in the house is sharing the load.
Can you look objectively at how it would work? Logistics, other support you can draw on... In the meantime, can you stop doing things that benefit only him (eg his laundry, any favours like getting shopping for him, doing any cooking that isn't just an extra helping if what you're all having..,) How old are the DC?

[BzyB]

I agree it's time to step back.
Though also thinking could you go out and would he vacuum etc?

Ex dp hadn't so much as brought dd (2) to the park (5 mins walk away) by himself, sat around watching tv on his days off. I made him do a few things but he did much grumbling and work was poor standard.

I kicked him out ( there were other issues too) and he had to find something to do with dd one day a week. Now she looks forward to seeing him because he's actually engaging with him, and I get a proper break for 5 hours while he has her.

[PacificOcean]

Why are you feeling guilty? You're not the one who should be feeling guilty!

[PeppasNanna]

The dc are 2, 8, 11 &14. The 8 & 11 years olds are the children with SN. My 24 year old has ended up being a mini carer.

I don't do any ironing etc. If i don't cook we eat takeaway ( boys dont eat take away).

I just concentrate on the dc the majority of the time. The volume of washing makes dps few bits insignificant.

How it will work?
Long term, i hope he will eventually have some sort of relationship with his dc as he will be forced to deal with them when he sees them.

I realistically will be even more restricted as i have got to the stage of msking plans with friends & meeting up with people but if do isn't here, i won't be able to do that.

He has 1 weekend a month off work so realistically I won't get much of a break. The boys have never stayed anywhere at night. So i have no idea of how anybof that would work...

Trifle my point exactly. I told him clearly what I needed him to do. He ignored me. Speaks volumes!

[PirateFairy45]

You need help! Even just to help you get on top of things!

And your DH/DP needs to go. It's too much for you, you'll have less work without him anyway!

[PeppasNanna]

Guilty as dp has no family.
On his own.
He guilt trips me.
Literally crying & begging me to come home last time.

I was a pratt & gave in, to my cost.

[DownTownAbbey]

He won't change now. I'm an autism mum and my exDH was also super lazy around the house. It got to the stage that his only job was to take the bins out. The stress on bin night of having to remind him, him resenting doing it (!!) and eventually doing it myself because it was less stressful pretty much killed any respect I had for him. I know this may be controversial to some but I'm sure he was on the spectrum and had fixed ideas about what he was prepared to do. I.e. Go to work then play. He was useless with DS and even when I was supposed to be having a break DS wanted to be with me so I too had to leave the house for five minutes peace. After he left things improved dramatically. Walkacross is right the corrosive emotional drain stopped. I also got more time to myself because he has his access days. I really dreaded him looking after DS at first (because he was so hopeless) but he eventually upped his game. It's much easier for him to be a decent dad a few hours here and there without having me to rely on. Not sure if this helps as no idea if you want to mend your marriage, but good luck

[PeppasNanna]

DownTownAbbey i dont think the relationship is fixable.

I view it as he will be one less person to deal with.

Your description of your exdp sounds sounds like my dp.

Dp only puts the 2 year old to bed but he lays on the bed with her while i deal with the 2 boys. I realised the other night she now wont go to bed by herself as hes got her used to someone being in the room.

Both boys have massive sleep issues. So now i have 3 dc that can fall asleep independently & a 2 & 8 year old that wake during the night

[PeppasNanna]

That was meant to say can't fall asleep independently!

[microferret]

He sounds absolutely useless. No regard for you and your feelings, a pathetic manchild. LTB. Rid yourself of this sack of pointless excess weight. It will be liberating.
And have some , it sounds as though you are an absolute hero for dealing with all of this for so long.

[Walkacrossthesand]

His 'few bits of washing' might be insignificant to you in among all the family laundry, but it will be significant to him. Please stop doing it for him! He does absolutely nothing to help you, yet you still do his laundry... It's a small thing but it makes a big point.

[nicenewdusters]

I have a friend with 4 children, one has a serious long term health condition. Her partner is utterly useless, likes to look the part but does NOTHING. He now doesn't work, she does, but he hasn't stepped into her old "role". She nags him, they argue, she complains to me and other friends. But she still cooks for him, does his washing, runs him errands, gives him lifts, makes excuses for him.

The kids can't bear him, she finds him repulsive, but she hasn't got to the point of kicking him out. As an outsider it's clear she would only be gaining by him going. Financially she'd be no worse off, she'd have more room in the house (he's a hoarder) and the kids would be more relaxed.

I think she does worry about what would happen to him. I have to keep tight lipped because I just want to say he's taking the piss big time, and you're enabling him. I am NOT victim blaming, but when she has vented in the past and I have suggested practical solutions she always has an excuse or reason not to act. I feel very sorry for her, but the situation has dragged on.

You sound incredibly well organised and strong, a great mum. He's bringing nothing to your life, only heart ache, he is the one who should feel 100% guilty. He doesn't though, does he ? How long is your list of reasons that you'd like him to stay ?

[PeppasNanna]

The reason I haven't called it aday are for very practical reasons.

Money, isolation, the limitations have dc with needs create in every sense. Being unable to work.

Im not able to create a new life or social life, stuff others take for granted.

My 11 year old is very likely to endvup out of school again. That means i will rarely be able to leave the house.

That sort of thing.

[nicenewdusters]

Maybe tell him that for you the relationship is over. You want to carry on living together however for all the reasons in your last post.

He is therefore now the joint carer to your children and the other adult who lives in your house. You don't expect anything from him relationship wise, nor do you want it. You will however be expecting him to do x,y,z, when it comes to the children and running the home.

You are not therefore looking to the future with him as your partner, but as your children's joint carer. If he doesn't pull his weight, he's merely letting down his children as you have already decided the relationship is over. Do you think this would make things more bearable for you ?

[PeppasNanna]

Thanks for the reply nicenewdusters

Dp knows how I feel.
No, it would be impossible to carry on living together.

2 of the dc are Autistic & he barely does anything with them. They would struggle with any change of routine.

If i want him to be an equal Carer for the dc then I would also need to change my role. I have an income but about 50% of dps.

Dp has no understanding of the school issues. Its now becoming very complicated as ds 11 school want me to tale him out. Dp wouldnt have a clue! Hes never even attended a meeting for either boy.

Dp still wants a physical relationship but i don't. We dont have a spare room so it would be very difficult.

Ultimately, I'm so depressed now that anything is better then continuing as we are.

I have no illusions of how it will be. I think it will be different rather than better. But different is good in this situation.