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Teenage DD - abusive boyfriend help

(21 Posts)
User545454 Sat 27-Aug-16 12:42:14

DD 15 had a boyfriend of 9 months he cheated, controlled who she saw (no one but him), made her delete all boys from social media, turned her on me (she made accusations about me as I tried to stop it), spat on her, swore at her, pushed her and made her feel utterly worthless. I called the police, told school nothing was done as she would not make a statement and hence made accusations about me to protect him. They finally split after he cheated for the 5th time , all was great for a while but I found out they are back together, she denies it but I have proof. Needless to say she has turned on me in a major way and is saying she's going to call the police and say I do drugs (I don't never have!) and she's going to leave and never come back. She has some additional needs so is quite an immature 15, how can I deal with this? She turns on everyone where he is involved and won't listen to anyone but him, he loves her turning on me means he has her solely under his control.

meowli Sat 27-Aug-16 12:47:35

How old is her b/f? Does he still go to school and live at home?

SarcasmMode Sat 27-Aug-16 12:53:05

What a nasty little shit does he still live with his parents? Are they half to sleep people all good the Apple not far for far from the tree?

Maybe talk to the school again I'll just go to work that she has been physically attacked? If so surely that is a safeguarding issue even if she is nowhere of the fact that she is being abused?

Does she have anyone else in her life that she could talk to an older sibling perhaps or an answer uncle that you feel she could talk to and might be able to give her some restaurants/advice?

I really do feel for you as it must be horrible to know that your daughter is being in an abusive relationship my parents didn't like my boyfriend when I was 16/17 and for very good reasons but I didn't get involved in fear that I would try and blame them it's a difficult situation to be in.

category12 Sat 27-Aug-16 12:53:19

How terrifying sad. I think maybe your best bet is to back off on the boyfriend because in a choice, she is choosing him. So I dunno, maybe 'lovebomb' her and do your best to boost her in everything else?

SarcasmMode Sat 27-Aug-16 12:54:24

Hell I used dictation quickly that made little sense - sorry! Hope you got the gist!

meowli Sat 27-Aug-16 12:59:06

Are they half to sleep people all good the Apple not far for far from the tree?

Not trying to derail the thread, which is about an awful situation, but could you please translate that bit. Would love to know what you meant to say!

SarcasmMode Sat 27-Aug-16 13:03:42

I tried to get half decent no idea where sleep came from. Last time I try to use dictation without checking had 6 month old in arms!

In a nutshell:

Are his parents decent I rooks?

Do school know she's been pushed/spat on?

Does she have another relative to talk to?

MatildaTheCat Sat 27-Aug-16 13:07:22

I have a friend with almost exactly the same situation except it has been going on, on and off for a few years now. It's extremely difficult but she has just had to keep an open door and involve the police on several occasions.

At 15 you could impose more sanctions but she's bound to break them which will cause more problems. I do suggest you continue to keep school and any other agencies in the loop and consider asking your local DV specialist for advice.

MrsEvadneCake Sat 27-Aug-16 13:07:51

Try not to criticise him because it strengthens his hold.

There is some good advice for parents via women's aid

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/controlling-behaviour-in-relationships-coercive-control/

It must be devastating to be part of this. My goddaughter has been in the same position and it's causing so many issues for her and the family.

User545454 Sat 27-Aug-16 13:23:26

Thanks ladies, sorry for short reply I'm out and on the phone! He is 17 and goes to sixth form, I have no idea on his parents contact details as school said as he's over 16 they would only be speaking to him about it. I judt can't believe she's gone back again I'm horrified and upset with the abuse I've received from her when I told her she was making a big mistake , she has been very threatening and malicious.

User545454 Sat 27-Aug-16 13:24:15

And yes school know everything so do camhs and other agencies that work with her.

User545454 Sat 27-Aug-16 13:24:51

She has no contact with her dad or his side of the family and won't talk to anyone where he is concerned.

User545454 Sat 27-Aug-16 16:36:33

Thanks for the link I have read that before and actually sent it to DD so she could see he ticked the boxes but she "loves him". She was so much happier in the few months they were apart. I had a suspicion before I found out as her behaviour had deteriorated so much and she had begun to act like she detesting me , which can just be teenage but there's a more manipulative element when he's involved as he hates me.

nicenewdusters Sat 27-Aug-16 18:59:52

Don't want to sound trite but could you print off the sticky at the top of relationships, about not accepting abuse, control etc. It's very powerful. No doubt she'll throw it away, but it might just get under her skin a little bit.

User545454 Sat 27-Aug-16 19:17:16

I have left leaflets etc on her bed she just says-you abuse me not him-I don't. She completely turns on me when he's on the scene, he abuses her , she abuses me. I don't really know how to deal with the situation or her anymore to be honest.

nicenewdusters Sat 27-Aug-16 19:33:00

Do you think she likes the drama ?

What if you refused to acknowledge his existence ? Don't ask her anything about him, don't comment upon anything, don't give your opinion. She probably moans to him about you, he agrees with her to try and isolate you, so she feels he's on her side and not you.

He may seem less interesting if he's not the hot topic.

Goingtobeawesome Sat 27-Aug-16 19:36:34

When she says you abuse her have you asked her for examples ? Obviously you'd like to stop and then see what she says but then I don't know if that would sound like you think you are confused.

Cary2012 Sat 27-Aug-16 19:56:52

I wonder if she feeds off you OP, like dusters says, she's a bit of a drama queen

Right now, you are fixed firmly in her mind as 'bad cop'. Stop reacting. I know that is easier said than done, but stay neutral.

My DD, at sixteen, had an abusive boyfriend, and in turn, he tried to abuse me. I think DD picked a bad boy because her father and I were at the end of our marriage, he had emotionally checked out, she thought I was a soft touch, and would tolerate her rudeness and his treatment of her.

This was not at the same level as you are suffering, but it was bad enough.

Initially, I played into their hands, I came down hard on them. She became worse, he encouraged her. Then I said I didn't want him in the house (found an empty packet which reeked of pot in the garden, where they had been). This drove them closer, and she started to stay with him at his mum's house. She was incredibly angry and hostile to me.

So I just stopped. Never asked her about him, never mentioned him. This intrigued her, she'd instigate conversations about him, and I'd just say 'oh yes' or 'oh right'. She'd leave her room a tip, and I knew he'd been in the house, she'd leave a sweatshirt or something of his laying around to provoke me. I ignored it all.

After a month or two, he lost his appeal. I think she realised that he wasn't as cool as she thought. Certainly I think she quite enjoyed winding me up, and when she failed to, it all got a bit boring.

She dumped him a few months later, and returned to her lovely self. Five years later she has a lovely boyfriend.

I don't know if this helps, I know it's horrible to sit back and do nothing, but it helped me.
Good luck.

User545454 Sun 28-Aug-16 09:19:10

Thanks for the advice, first time round I tried not reacting which I'll try again but it's just so exhausting , DD and him would argue on phone always after 11 and the screeching was so hard to ignore the neighbours took to banging on the walls , and they are very reasonable. I am a bit scared not to aknowledge in a way as I've been desperately trying to get her to see sense over the summer as last year was a write off school wise as she spent most of the time crying and running off site over some argument or another and is already at risk of exclusion. She deflects so I spoke to school about something he'd done- at that point being controlling and very verbally abusive and the safeguarding staff spoke to her she told them I hit her every day (she has never once been hit!), she lies about what I say and do and tries to persuade me it's true via text as evidence such as we spoke about drugs (her bf uses drugs cannibis, mdma, cocaine) she then text me saying "If you try and stop this I'll tell the police you take drugs babes" , I don't do drugs hmm.

TokenGinger Sun 28-Aug-16 09:34:08

Is the police route for a 17 year old having sex with an under 16 year old possible?

Have you thought about c tax ting social services? In the local authorities within my city, there are teams called Early Help. Social care will refer you there for low level support first. There are some great programmes to manage young people's behaviour which might help.

User545454 Sun 28-Aug-16 09:44:19

We have early help already as she's at risk of exclusion , camhs suggested it , my worker is on two weeks annual leave so I will be sure to seek his advice when he's back. DD has admitted to him things he did when they were together, before she went back so he is aware of the dangers. The issue with any of these things is DD must provide a statement or at least admit it but currently everyone else is the enemy snd they won't even speak to him without speaking to her and she refuses or makes accusations about others.

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