Guilt

[eaworries]

Name changed, again.
Considering going to a police station tomorrow to report abuse. He has been arrested before. It is low level but constant, he has pushed me around a bit but nothing major, small bruises where he has 'accidently' pushed past me, or knocked a door against my arm. He bullies daily and you never know how he is going to be or how quickly his mood will change, he has a personality disorder so mood changes can be swift and unforgiving. He is always threatening to call the police on me for bullying him, but of course never does. What is scaring me more and more is that his grasp on reality is increasingly slender, unfortunately, he can hold things together long enough for a meeting with his cpn, she is aware of this.
Why oh why do I feel guilty for wanting to report this behaviour. I can't live with him, I'm scare for my mental health, seriously he can get you to believe the sky is green and the sea pink! I have tried for years but I can't do it anymore and don't want to. He'll grind me down with his constant demands for this and that, and then deny he harassed. His version of almost anything is always different, he is always victim or hero, usually victim. His paranoia can be overwhelming and yet, as I say, I feel guilty. I don't even know if the police will take me seriously. I wrote on a thread a couple of years back that I almost wished he would hit me because it would be easier. I still feel that way. The knocking into me and the odd shove, it isn't serious enough for anyone to bother, is it. I think he knows that and that's why it's sort of low key easily dismissed stuff.
Sorry I've gone on and on.

[Hidingtonothing]

Abuse is abuse whether it's 'low level' or full on violence and yes, of course it's serious enough for someone to bother. Even without the physical 'pushing you around' there are laws against emotional abuse now, have you thought about speaking to Women's Aid about what he's doing OP because I'm sure they will help confirm in your own mind that he's abusive and help you take the steps necessary to get away from him. I do think you need a plan beyond just reporting him to the police, an escape route for you or a strategy to remove him because otherwise it's easy to end up back at square one. The police will likely charge or even just caution him and he'll be out again in a matter of hours and free to continue bullying and abusing you, Womens Aid can help with a proper plan to get you away from him safely and permanently. Do give them a call OP, this is a link to their website www.womensaid.org.uk/ the national number can be very busy so keep trying or there's a function on the website under Information and Support to search for services in your local area, they can be easier to get through to if there is something near you. You don't have to put up with being treated like this OP, please reach out and get some help