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Sexual assault - past not going away

(9 Posts)
NotReallyMeToday Fri 26-Aug-16 11:24:10

Long - I'm sorry. And I know some people here will think this is my fault and I deserve anything that happens to me as a result but please be gentle. Name changed for this too. Not a new poster.

About five years ago I was away from home on a work related trip. For various reasons, there were accommodation issues. I was working with a guy I didn't know well, but was good friends with DH and knew from our wider circle of friends. He was known as a very sweet and devoted family man. He offered to let me share his room where he had a spare bed. Both spouses knew and were fine with this.

I went to bed before him, took the diazepam that I'd been prescribed at the time and went to sleep. Woke up to find him on top of me. I didn't scream or push him off - I was completely doped and disoriented and remember being unsure if it was a dream or not. I only realized it was real the next morning when I woke up half naked.

I left as soon as I could. Texted him and asked him what happened. He claimed he'd come up and I'd made a suggestive comment and invited him to bed so he'd accepted. I have no memory of this at all. He also said he had always been attracted to me.

During this conversation, his wife apparently saw a text, asked him, and discovered that this had happened. She was understandably hurt and angry, and blamed me entirely. The first my DH knew about it was her phoning him to tell him his wife was a whore who'd been screwing her husband.

Thankfully, DH talked to me, and believed me and said I hadn't had an affair, and I had been assaulted. However, MM's wife didn't believe me and it made things worse for her - she thought I'd seduced her husband and lied about it. It all blew up, I never talked about it, but she did, and a lot of people in our wider social group ended up with an opinion. I'd been struggling with my mental health before and this was too much and I ended up in hospital for a while. It was honestly one of the worst times of my life.

Anyway, shortly after that DH got a new job and we moved away which was one of the best things we could have done. My MH stabilised a lot, and we've been doing really well. I really just want to forget that time ever happened but it's really hard, esp as MM is still with his W and she still blames me entirely.

Most recent reminder was a wedding we were meant to be going to. Bride was part of our old social circle. She emailed me this morning to ask if maybe I could just come to the hen do as W is coming to the wedding and she knows 'there is baggage'. I feel basically kicked in the chest. I don't feel I can say anything or defend myself form whatever has been said without making things worse. But if I say nothing, I'm accepting the story that is being told about me being this evil homewrecker. And that hurts. I didn't want to be OW. I didn't want this dumped on me. I guess I could just cut contact with every mutual friend but I hate that I'm the one who has to get tarred and feathered and driven out of town. I just want to pretend it never happened. It won't happen again, I won't share sleeping space with anyone except DH and I'm very careful about who I trust. I just hate it hanging over me. Don't quite know why I'm posting here. Just wanted some advice, I guess.

BolshierAryaStark Fri 26-Aug-16 12:21:07

You should have reported it to the police, rape shouldn't be kept quiet like a dirty secret. So far he has come away unscathed from this, you can still report it now.
As for your 'friend' & her wedding I would ring her & tell her exactly what happened, I would then say you wont be going to either the hen do or the wedding as an actual friend wouldn't choose sides based on one side of a story & you don't wish to waste your time with people who don't have your back as a friend should.

LouiseHumphreys81 Fri 26-Aug-16 19:49:10

Hi,

I don't have any real advice but wanted to let you k know that I hear you and believe you totally. Nothing that happened was your fault and you haven't bought anything on yourself.

There is no easy or right answer to this situation, either you go to the hen do but not the wedding, or phone the bride and explain everything or don't go to either event. Have you talked to oh...who sounds like he is very supportive?

Take good care of yourself x

Hhmyeahsuremaybe Fri 26-Aug-16 20:04:24

I don't blame you for not reporting it to the police. It's hard enough to deal with without being cross examined and everything else that comes with a trial.

These people are not worthy to be called your friends. Maybe a direct response of 'sexual assault is not just 'baggage', it's taken a huge toll on my mental health. I'll have to politely decline your invitation.'

I'm so sorry your going through this. flowers

NotReallyMeToday Fri 26-Aug-16 22:18:05

I didn't go to the police because I was nowhere near well enough. It took me a lot of long talks with my pdoc to even get my head around it not being my fault - at one point when I was very unwell I kept thinking I'd somehow used some kind of weird mind control on him by accident (I'm bipolar and get confused at times) because I knew I hadn't meant to have sex yet everyone said it was my fault.

I've thought about writing to him and his wife and asking if we can just let this go - saying I'm sorry or something. And I hate that I'd be taking responsibility but I hate this fucking endless cold war. I don't know what to say to convince them both to leave me alone, esp her. He (weirdly) mostly stays away. She seems the most angry.

And I don't want to go the hen do. If someone who I thought was my friend is willing to do this to me, fuck her. I just hate that it's come up again after so long. Is there any way to either stop it or convince myself not to care?

ImperialBlether Fri 26-Aug-16 22:23:19

Don't apologise! Don't even think of it. She knows, doesn't she? I would bet this isn't the first time he'd done something like that.

Don't go to the hen do, but do phone your friend (or ask your husband to phone her) and say you're keeping away because her husband assaulted you when you were asleep and his wife is blaming you for this.

You poor thing - what a horrible thing to happen.

SarcasmMode Fri 26-Aug-16 22:45:31

Oh Not I hope I speak for MN in saying this was not your fault.

This man r'd you and he blamed you when you didn't reciprocate the advances.

Hypothetically even if you had said something (1) he's married so should've said no so that alone his cow of a wife is wrong and (2) you'd taken meds that made you out of it which he would've heard and nobody should accept the word of a half asleep person as gospel.

He's made it up of course.

It's horrible when an issue is unresolved as you just can't move on. You want closure. My ex did some things and I wished for closure and vindication so much.

If it were me I'd tell everyone your side of the story. If they choose to believe you or at least be open to the idea great if they don't I would sever contact as they clearly don't care and you can't put yourself through that.

Thank goodness you have a good husband who cares about your well being.

Don't forget you have no reason to feel shame but he has every reason to.

His wife was lashing out but crossed a line telling others- I hate the whole 'she's a whore/stole my man' mentality. Uh fucking no - your husband was a dirty shot and fucked someone else who normally was willing (though not in your case Not).

I hope you can soon lay this guilt to rest. Have you considered counselling?

Thinking of you flowers

SarcasmMode Fri 26-Aug-16 22:49:24

Shit that was meant to be.

ToNewFutures Fri 26-Aug-16 23:07:44

I hope you don't give in and apologise! You have done nothing wrong.
Even if you "could have said something" to him, you WOKE UP to him on top of you. That is not consent.
I don't blame you for not wanting to go to the hen night, I would consider (if you are up for it of course) telling this friend that she is taking sides in a matter she clearly knows nothing about. Maybe you should tell this friend that she has hurt you for taking sides in the first place?

Your main issue appears to me that you are allowing yourself to take on the blame for this. If what you have said is correct and you were "asleep/woke up to this man on top of you", then even part blame is out of the question. It doesn't matter if you could have said something before going to bed, you cannot consent to something if you are asleep. Even part blame is out of the question. It is all on him.

Pick yourself up, dust off all this crap you are feeling and go ask DH for a cuddle. You need love right now.

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