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Divorce and living long distance away from the kids

(18 Posts)
ChunkyMonkey4321 Fri 26-Aug-16 09:03:07

so this has been a long time coming but I think it's finally over with my husband. We have 2 DC. He works full time, I've just left a job and couldn't get a contract for September. A year ago we moved to his home city so he could he closer to his family - I have no support network here outside of inlaws.

In the short term at least, I'm going to head back up north as my parents and best friend are there so I can stay free/cheap while I get myself sorted. I literally have no money. Neither does he really but he has a job.

Ideally I would just get myself on my feet again and find somewhere back near the children, but has anybody else (mum) moved away from their kids? I know loads of men who've moved away but not mums and I feel awful but my mental health is not great so I do think they would be better staying in the (rented) family home for more stability near family.

Trifleorbust Fri 26-Aug-16 09:10:38

I am not trying to judge you in any way whatsoever (please believe this) but why is it that he is staying in the family home and you are not? You have no financial resources or job, so leaving seems as though it would put you in an even more vulnerable situation. You would be entitled to benefits if you stayed - have you investigated this?

Livelovebehappy Fri 26-Aug-16 09:14:58

I don't have experience of this, but guess you would approach it as if the other wAy round; ie have set arrangements in place such as either travelling to see them every other weekend or having them come to stay with you. But personally I couldn't leave my children, even if only short term, although of course it would depend on ages. If you are planning to remain in the North, could you not take them with you and get sorted with accommodation (if the DC's are young you should be fast tracked for rented via council anyway)? You will still have family support.

ChunkyMonkey4321 Fri 26-Aug-16 09:19:07

I'm leaving him so it wouldn't be fair to kick him out and take the kids off him so that's why I'm leaving. Obviously if I could stay with friends nearby I would but it's not possible

Trifleorbust Fri 26-Aug-16 09:20:22

Do you mind me asking why you are leaving?

CannotEvenDeal Fri 26-Aug-16 09:21:27

How old are your dc?

ExConstance Fri 26-Aug-16 09:22:44

In a marriage breakdown situation if the main consideration is the welfare of the children. Courts will make awards to ensure that the welfare of the children comes before anything else. Surely, if you are main carer the best interests of the children would be served by you remaining in the house with the children?

ChunkyMonkey4321 Fri 26-Aug-16 09:26:14

They are 5 and 2 so very young. They're both in childcare as up until the summer I was working. Social services have been involved with me so actually I don't think they would argue I am better to look after them than my husband

Trifleorbust Fri 26-Aug-16 09:28:51

OP, it's often very easy to say that you aren't a good enough parent, particularly when you have gone through difficulties. I don't know the facts of this case so I can't say one way or the other, but please don't think it is automatic that you have to be the one to leave. That isn't necessarily true, even if you need support or you need to make changes.

Livelovebehappy Fri 26-Aug-16 09:30:41

Sorry OP, but a red flag in your post is the fact you state you're going up North to get on your feet, which I thought meant getting a home and schools/job sorted out, but further down your post you imply you will eventually move back down south again. So what does 'getting back on your feet' mean? If you are planning returning down south, then surely you're not going to get a job and house etc up North, only to then return back down South. It wouldn't make sense.

Offred Fri 26-Aug-16 09:32:03

I think you need to make a decision about what you do that is in the best interests of you as well as the children.

It could be that you need a break away from them to get yourself on an even keel and going up north would allow you to do that. This will have consequences in the short to long term for your relationship with them but that may be balanced by the benefit of it helping you get sorted.

Or you could be punishing yourself and running away from your problems by going up north. Being away from your kids could contribute to your issues and could negatively affect your and their lives for a long time.

You need to try and come to a rational decision about what is objectively the best practical solution, which is not easy.

Do you want to explain more about the background to this? Why you are leaving him and why social services were involved, how you feel about leaving the children?

ChunkyMonkey4321 Fri 26-Aug-16 09:37:33

Mostly I've had problems with depression and PND very severely so had problems bonding and to be honest don't enjoy being a stay at home mum. Obviously being unemployed doesn't help. Long story short I cheated last year and we've been trying to make it work but I can't do it.

By 'getting back on my feet' I mean I have nowhere to live and no money so can't rent anywhere, I'm in my overdraft so if I went to my parents I could work loads, earn some money to help support my kids and get a deposit then look for something back here.

Trifleorbust Fri 26-Aug-16 09:42:28

Do you want to leave? If this is what you want - having accessed proper support from your doctor - then as long as you keep the end goal in mind of coming back and helping your ex to support the children, it doesn't seem like a bad plan to me.

Offred Sat 27-Aug-16 09:55:01

But you are married and have a marital home so your husband is legally required to support you financially and you have an equal right to the home.

It does sound a bit like you are trying to punish yourself TBH

RedMapleLeaf Sat 27-Aug-16 09:59:44

OP may be punishing herself or she may need some time and space to regain her health (if she were a male poster this would no doubt be described as running away hmm ).

Mybugslife Sat 27-Aug-16 10:01:08

If you move back to your parents, get a job and save for a deposit, how will you then carry on paying the rent/mortgage every month if your job was down near where your parents live? Yes I get that you can get another job but what if that doesn't happen strait away? Will you fall behind on rent in the 1st couple of months or so? Or will you wait to move back up north until you have found a suitable job?
If you want to stay near your kids would it be worth popping into a CAB office and just seeing what benefits you will get and finding a job near you kids to start with? X

bluecashmere Sat 27-Aug-16 10:53:09

Just a warning that I've seen other threads where women have left, expecting they can return and pick up where they left off, but have found their partner gets residence for the children based on this absence. I don't want to worry you unnecessarily but you need to go into this with your eyes open and think about what you want long term. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and need support but I would investigate all your options before moving away from such young children. I'm concerned you wouldn't achieve what you are looking to up North.

CannotEvenDeal Sat 27-Aug-16 11:01:34

I agree with blue. Picking up where you left off with the dcs could be extremely challenging.

Good luck to you, take care of yourself flowers

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