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DH doesn't want sex 11 months after DC, but he wants another baby?!(13 Posts)
Hi, this is long as I'm so confused I really need to type it all down even if I don't get any replies...
So we had DC1 11 months ago, born vaginally but with stirrups/epiostomy/kiwi and DH was at the birth but our sex life had stalled before then as he 'didn't want to hurt the baby when I was pregnant'. I thought it would get better once the baby came but we have had sex 3 times in the past 11 months and I utterly feel at my wits end.
We BOTH want another baby now, I am ovulating at the moment but he won't have sex with me. I've tried everything before we even decided we wanted another - so I don't think it's that he's necessarily feeling under 'pressure' but there is ALWAYS an excuse. He's too tired, he's aching, his back hurts, he's not 'a performing monkey', he doesn't like planned sex. Or he just falls asleep on the sofa after a few beers.
I'm at my lowest confidence ever, I feel so disgusting and awful. I have stretchmarks, I'm now a size 16 (I was a 10) but I have no motivation to do anything because I feel so dispondent and angry. Tonight I'm lying in bed furious and upset because yet again I've been knocked back & yet again nothing I do turns him on or makes him want me. I scream of desperation because I'm so fucking angry all the time. I think I need to leave him
Writing it down makes me sound like I'm crazy & I know it would be different if I was a man pestering a woman for sex, but I just don't understand... We did have 'good' sex once upon a time but now he just isn't interested AT ALL.
First port of call is to sit down and discuss it with him. He might shed some light on how he feels. It'll give you a chance to express how you feel too. Maybe he assumes that you're not interested and that you're happy with the situation.
So you've barely had sex for twenty months now, it isn't that the birth put him off, it was before that wasn't it?
I've seen on here that some men really struggle to combine "mothers" and "sexy" but I don't know what the answer is.
We sat down the other night & had a really good chat... I thought. He knows I'm not happy, I can't even count on my hands the amount of times I've told him I don't want a sexless marriage in my 20s. I'm so angry again tonight because we did talk & he knows that I'm ovulating, we both want a baby, it makes absolutely no sense to me why he doesn't want to have sex. Espectially since I tell him how amazing it was last time & ive told him it's his 'treat' next time but he doesn't even want a blow job. Im trying to be sexy & ive told him ill give him a massage, etc & I'll go upstairs earlier but he'll just stay downstairs or ignore me.
He did say that the birth did traumatise him somewhat as he watched the baby come out & me tear & it was a bit of a bloodbath (sorry TMI). But yes, he wasn't interested when I was pregnant either so I don't believe that's the whole of the problem. He says he loves me so much but I just find myself so low. I know you shouldn't need a man to boost your confidence but being knocked back & made to feel unwanted doesn't boost the self esteem
I have to say that I'm glad I didn't watch my dh's vasectomy so I do have some sympathy for him. It sounds like he desperately needs some therapy. It is or used to be possible to get sex therapy on the NHS, or just start with some counselling perhaps.
In the meantime can you 'ask' for some intimacy or physical contact without sex for the moment?
Oh this is so hard. I can count on two hands the amount of times DH and I have had sex since the arrival of BOTH our children - one is nearly 3 years, the other 8 months. We've only really ever had sex to conceive and have been very lucky and fallen pregnant almost instantly both times. We had a whirlwind romance, sex was good, then we got married and DC1 arrived.
Between both kids I talked and talked to him about the lack of sex, that I knew he wanted another child but that I refused to go straight into another sexless period of our marriage once DC2 arrived.... But that's exactly what has happened. His interest is even less.
We are both exhausted. DC's still either awake in the night or up at 5.30am so sex is nigh on impossible, but we never even get as far as trying. Like you describe, he's more likely to fall asleep on the sofa, even if we've talked about 'nookie' and an early night.
Not much advice other than please do try to talk to him again. What happens if you jumped him on the sofa?? I find I REALLY have to make the moves if I want sex. And then it feels so forced. I'm okay like this for now as the kids are so young but I won't put up with it forever. Do try to clear this up before DC2, or I fear you could end up even more frustrated once you fall pregnant.
Sorry you are going through this. You have my compete sympathy.
I think you need to feel better about yourself for a start. Don't depend on him to make that happen though.
From my own experience after having children I felt awful in my own skin until recently, your body will likely never be the same as it was before. I put ALOT of weight on over 4 or 5 years but managed to lose a lot of it recently. Through eating healthier and getting myself moving more I felt better about me and had a ton more energy and just generally felt happier, more confident and less anxious (I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life) This had a huge impact on my relationship too.
Ok, first thing is forget about ovulating and trying to conceive etc. Your child is less than a year old and your marriage is rocky. Having another baby now is a very bad idea.
You have talked about the problem but you seem dismissive of what he told you. Have a good think now about what he said. Do you think there is more that he hasn't said? Do you think if you have another talk where you really listen, he might tell you the rest? Or maybe you need to have this discussion with a counsellor to help him articulate what he is struggling to say to you?
Do you think h is scared of putting you through that again. I know several men who's wives had difficult births and have refused to have another child. He may not be prepared to say that, but genuinely fears a problem.
living I spoke to him last night & he definitely wants another baby. We have always talked about having a smaller age gap because we are both only children so we want them to have that special sibling relationship (I know it doesn't always work out that way but in an ideal world).
anna I do seek out non-sexual intimacy but it always feels like he shrugs me off. We never have passionate kissss, we kiss good morning & goodnight but it feels like it's just going through the motions & not really loving. We don't really cuddle either. It sounds bad doesn't it I know I need to try harder but when it feels like a one way street it's hard to not begrudge things!
Mama that's what I dread long term. Sounds so tough, does your DH just say his lack of drive is because of tiredness? I just don't understand why it can go from being so good, to nothing! Which makes me doubt myself like 'well maybe it wasn't good in the first place so that's why he's not arsed'. I can't seem to pinpoint the actual issue, he just seems to make excuses all the time but maybe it's not 'masculine' to admit there is one I really don't know. Sometimes I've tried to touch him & make it clear I'm in the mood but he'll just make a joke out of it & ignore it then I feel embarrassed. I think we need another long chat, I don't have a massively high sex drive anyway I'd be happier with once a week but it currently feels like we're flat mates not husband and wife!
pixie I definitely think you're right. I do need to eat better & exercise as I know I will feel better in myself if I lost weight. When he met me I was around this weight, then I lost 4 stone, now after having a baby I'm back up (with added stretch marks) so I know how to do it, it's just hard when I'm tired & feeling a bit low anyway. You're so right though for my own self esteem I need to do something.
Hedda yeah I've decided that's what I'm going to do. I don't think the pressure is helping matters, it just seems to be making him more distant. I just want to have a normal sex life again & see what happens. I'm throwing away my ovulation kits as they're making me anxious too! I don't think he would go down the counselling route as he's had quite intensive counselling in the past (precious MH problems/breakdown before we met) but I can suggest it. I really do think it could help although I might also struggle to open up but it's worth a try. I don't think there is another woman, I don't think it's a porn addiction, etc (as my previous Google searches have suggested) because he isn't into porn. I genuinely think he has no libido but don't know if it's me or maybe he is just genuinely tired? Maybe that's it & im reading too much into it. But then I'm tired too but I still want it, DS is sleeping in his cot 7-7 pretty much every night now so whilst it's tiring during the day we have pretty uninterrupted sleep!
carol yes that could be right, I've tried telling him that just because that happened it doesn't mean the same will happen again. He just seems to want another baby so much, he loves DS so much he even had tears in his eyes when we were talking about how far he's come & how the newborn stage is so amazing. Maybe he wants another baby but not for me to give birth! (I did say he didn't need to be present next time but he said he would want to be there )
I think the crux of it is, I need to talk to him again. I will try, I feel like a broken record at the moment but maybe I'm being too aggressive in my approach & not empathetic. I struggle not to get annoyed though as he seems to give politician answers to everything & I really need him to open up more. Will suggest counselling & if not, who knows? I guess another DC is off the cards for now & that's probably for the best while we're like this (even though I am so broody, I'm best off losing weight first anyway).
That was LONG so I applaud you for even reading!
I am in a similar situation and can understand your frustration. My advice would be to tell him how it makes you feel and advice he gets medical advice.
I have been with my current partner for nearly 4 years, when we met he was always instigating sex. Suddenly after 2 years it just stopped and suddenly he was "tired", "not in the mood", "back hurts", "headaches" whenever I tried to instigate anything. I began to get really frustrated and suddenly he keeps talking about having children I agreed that I really wanted them but pointed out that you need to have sex to have children
To cut a long story short, following on from advice on MN I sat him down and bluntly told him how I felt. He admitted that he had totally lost his sex drive and agreed to go see a GP.
If it helps I am in my 20s and my partner is in his 30s.
To be honest I wouldn't be in a rush to have another baby with him.
If he refuses to address the issues that are making you so unhappy what are you going to do? Would he agree to counselling? GP?
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