Wedding invite - advice needed!

[hmbn]

My BF has invited us to her son's wedding early January 2017. It's a small wedding so the invite has extra gravitas. It's over 4 hour's drive from home and will mean 2 nights in a hotel. Basically, we can't afford to attend (it's just after Christmas, I'm not working at the mo and DH is p/t hourly paid) but will be able to buy a wedding gift. Also, to be honest, neither of us want to go. How can I tell my friend without hurting her feelings?

[Elllicam]

Could you invent a prior engagement? Or just be honest and say you can't afford it.

[ApocalypseSlough]

Why 2 nights? If it's your best friend and a small wedding then it's worth considering the cost as not being for the wedding but in the context of the friendship.

[Gazelda]

Tell her you're honoured to have been invited to share their special ocassion.
Assure her that if your circumstances had been different, then you'd have loved to join them. You hope they have a wonderful day.
Send a lovely card and gift.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Just be mainly-honest with her. Focus on the expense you can ill afford (presumably she knows about your work situations, but be prepared to come up with a.n.other expense you're worried about).

[isanyusernamenotinuse]

I've done a wedding 4 hours away in a day. The wedding was at 10.30 so I left at 6 am. I left the evening reception at 10.30pm so I was late home but it made it affordable. Could you do that?

[Summerlovinf]

One night away at most - you could do it in the day at a push. I think your friend will be upset if you don't make an effort to go. Explain the financial situation to her and maybe give her something small but meaningful (framed photo, love quote...) rather than a large gift. Why don't you want to go?

[CatyB]

If you can do it one day, I think it will reduce your expenses a great deal.

[twotiredtoo]

If you're close to her be honest & explain your dilemma.

4 hours is a long way to drive in one day but it might be that she has friends or family that could put you up for one night.

[AnyFucker]

Do it in a day

[Joysmum]

I'd do it in a day...but then, you've said you don't want to go so it's pointless suggesting that.

So I'd second Gazelda as its all you can do to afford Christmas as things stand.

[AgentProvocateur]

If it's as all wedding and your BF, she'll be hurt if you don't go. Just stay one night, or do it in a day. I'm sure there will be a b&b nearby.

[Joysmum]

It's not the BF wedding, it's her son's. Is the OP even that special to the bride and groom?

[junebirthdaygirl]

I have seen at recent weddings that the parents have invited close friends to join them and it means they have someone of their own there in the midst of all the young people. As the day progresses they seem to appreciate being able to relax with those as they are in hostess mode with others. So lm trying to say it means a lot that you go. I would really try. Maybe only stay one night. Wear an outfit you have worn to a different wedding.

[OpenMe]

Why don't you want to go? That seems odd to me, not wanting to be there for your BF at her DS's wedding.

And I think that's the issue, more than the cost. If your reason was genuinely only that you can't afford to go, I'd expect my BF to tell me that and I'd either accept it, or if I could, offer to help with the cost/suggest ways to make it cheaper for her.

However, if you try to explain that you can't go because of the cost, when in fact you have other reasons for not going, it's going to be obvious, especially if she tries to help with suggestions like doing it in the day, lending you something to wear or finding accommodation with friends.

[expatinscotland]

I'd tell her the truth.

[hmbn]

Thanks for your posts. As some of you guessed, there's a lot of other stuff going on too and, as things often are, "it's a bit more complicated than that". I was trying to be brief in my original post.

The wedding's at 11am in the back of beyond. The church is 15 miles from the nearest station and 25 miles from the reception venue. We don't have a car at the moment.

We both really appreciate being asked (invite was from BF's son and fiancee, not BF) but the logistics of organising the trip is overwhelming - I guess this is a lot to do with our current financial worries. There's no one who can help out with lifts and/or accommodation.

I have decided honesty is the best policy and will be meeting up with BF next week. Thanks once again.

[HappyJanuary]

If the invite was from BF's son and his gf then I would just send an RSVP card to them declining the invitation, with a brief personal note saying you're sorry you can't attend; no reason necessary.

Then when you meet your friend, if asked, you can give your honest reasons : very pleased to be asked but in a tricky financial position and don't have a car.

[MatildaTheCat]

Can I be brutal and say nobody is going to be that heartbroken if you cannot attend. It's about the young couple and their friends and family. A few token older friends are nice but not essential to the day.

Apologise to your friend and be honest as to why it's impossible. Then send a really nice card and a gift within your budget.