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I found out last night that DH has been having an affair with a close friend

(118 Posts)
user1471525012 Wed 24-Aug-16 10:55:15

This 'friend' is the mother of my son's closest friend. She's someone I will have to see every day on the school run. She's also probably the person I socialised with the most; drinks, nights out, coffee together. I would have considered her my closest friend here (we only moved to the area 3 years ago).

Apparently they only slept together on two occasions but they've been sending explicit texts every other day or so. This has been going on for nearly a year.

Her husband found some texts and confronted her, leading my husband to telling me. I told him that he was only doing so because he'd been found out, he disagreed and said he was going to tell me but (and I shit you not) 'I didn't want to spoil your birthday'.

Our marriage has been bad for a long time but I thought we were working on it. I have been very bad in my behaviour to him too - I had a drunken ONS (didn't actually have sex but did everything else) in the spring. The difference was that I immediately confessed, did everything I could in my power to make amends, stopped drinking, went to counselling, suggested marriage counselling (DH refused, said it was a waste of time, now I know why). He made me feel like a terrible person (which of course I was) and ALL THE TIME he was exchanging sexy texts with someone I thought was my friend and he'd already slept with her months before this happened.

DH is distraught, contrite, wants to do everything he can to make it work. I don't see how I can ever get past this, to be honest. I don't feel as if I will ever trust anyone again. Her betrayal hurts almost as badly as his. How could they do this to their children?

DoofusMcfoofus Wed 24-Aug-16 11:00:17

To be honest you both sound as bad as each other and should call it a day. What a shit environment for your kids.

TheNaze73 Wed 24-Aug-16 11:02:55

I feel sorry for your children. Neither of you are thinking about them

loveyoutothemoon Wed 24-Aug-16 11:04:46

Both as bad as each other

ImperialBlether Wed 24-Aug-16 11:05:34

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GladAllOver Wed 24-Aug-16 11:05:59

You neither of you have respect for your relationship or your children, and I feel so sorry for them.

Getting drunk is no excuse whatever for being unfaithful.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 24-Aug-16 11:06:27

It doesn't look like there's anything to work on except how to split

P1nkP0ppy Wed 24-Aug-16 11:09:32

Pot. Kettle. Black. You deserve each other.

Poor children sad

CafeCremeMerci Wed 24-Aug-16 11:09:32

Let him cry. Tell them both to fuck off.

Move - your DS will soon make another friend. DON'T put yourself through having to see her every day.

user1471525012 Wed 24-Aug-16 11:25:39

Thanks for the support, not. My children (at the moment) are fine. They are loved, supported, safe.

FoxyLaRoxy Wed 24-Aug-16 11:25:58

I don't get why other commenters are being so cruel. The OP is hurt and distressed yet you can't find anything nice or supportive to say? Hope it never happens to any of you!
OP- It sounds as though your husbands behaviour towards you has fuelled your deep unhappiness and now you have discovered the reason behind it. The difference is that you recognised your behaviour and tried to make it work. Where as you had a ONS, he has had a long term affair. Is there any way you could have time apart? Have you family you can talk too? Think about what you want OP, don't let him dictate. He's not your friend, so what's best for him is not your concern. Remember Children are surprisingly resilient what ever happens. I hope you find happiness and giving you a unmumsnetty hugs.

user1471525012 Wed 24-Aug-16 11:26:36

I am not a troll. Whatever, there's no point to posting here. Sorry I wasted your time.

rumred Wed 24-Aug-16 11:29:15

You need real life support. Have you talked to anyone? I'd get him out of the house for a start and then you will have some space to consider everything, including how you got here and why.
Horrible situation to be in, ignore the perfect people

user1471525012 Wed 24-Aug-16 11:32:50

I posted here in the Spring under the name 'needhelp101'. I've been on Mumsnet for years under various names. Fuck knows why, given the responses I've just been given.

Foxy, thank you for your words.

EarthboundMisfit Wed 24-Aug-16 11:34:36

You don't know how you can get past it. Fair enough.

Yet you did similar to him.

KatieHopkinsAteMyHamster99 Wed 24-Aug-16 11:36:10

OP I'm really sorry this has happened it must be terrible.
Please try and talk to a relationships counsellor in real life (on your own), they will not demonise you for having had a ONS. You deserve advice and support as much as anyone else but you are not likely to get it on this board.

PotteringAlong Wed 24-Aug-16 11:36:36

You had an affair. He had an affair. Do you have a marriage worth saving?

Missgraeme Wed 24-Aug-16 11:36:50

Coz u are ob the only woman to have been sidetracked from a marriage....
Sounds like neither of your hearts are really in in anymore. Time to go your separate ways. 2 apart happy parents are better for kids than 2 living a lie. Good luck. .

user1471525012 Wed 24-Aug-16 11:40:36

Yes, I get it. My ONS with someone unknown to my husband was just as bad a betrayal as a year long affair with my close friend. I am clearly a shit person and a shit mother. Thanks to all who have been reasoned and responded but I'm not mentally in a place where I can take a kicking right now.

phillipp Wed 24-Aug-16 11:41:53

Neither of you can claim the high ground here.

You marriage is bad
You both cheated

You are delusional if you think your kids haven't picked up on any of this.

You need to start doing what's best for the kids.

JackandDiane Wed 24-Aug-16 11:42:54

god lot stop being such utter ARSEWIPES

trafalgargal Wed 24-Aug-16 11:45:44

Two wrongs don't make a right but neither of you can claim the moral higher ground . I'd insist on counselling for your marriage as a condition of trying again. If that's what you want , but you don't need to decide right now anyway. Take your time to process everything.
Quite what you do about the kids and their friendship is another matter especially if you don't want the children to know. Depends how old the kids are and if the other couple are staying together I suppose. Selfish cow she is.

HardToDeal Wed 24-Aug-16 11:46:19

I swear someone could come along and say "my DH has been sleeping with ten women a week, also he's committed mass genocide and burnt the house down, am I to blame because I once caught the eye of a man at the bus stop?" and people would be all "YOU'RE A TERRIBLE WIFE AND PARENT AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT"

trafalgargal Wed 24-Aug-16 11:47:58

Oh and ignore the trolls. Jezza must be over and they have nothing else to do.

honeyroar Wed 24-Aug-16 11:50:13

I think people are kicking someone when they're down here. Yea a drunken one night stand is not good or nice, but to me it pales into insignificance to someone telling lie after lie while plotting and cheating with your best friend.

OP I'd get some professional help ASAP, get some counselling and try and work out if you can move forward from this, I couldn't personally, he'd be gone.

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