My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Bit of an AIBU over ex

12 replies

lifeisjustadream · 23/08/2016 22:17

Been with BF for just under a year.

Things have been rocky for 85% of the relationship. He's an incredibly insecure person and I've been accused of everything under the sun since we've been together. We put that past us, he got counselling and he got A LOT better.

He has an ex who he was with for 2 years. The relationship ended around 5/6 years ago. Right before we got together, he asked her to go for a drink with him. His reason back then was so he could get closure basically. After that, while we were together, they texted each other a few times. Both of them initiating the convo. As she popped up semi-frequently I got a bit miffed and said Look, not really comfortable with it. Would you mind not getting in touch with her again for a while?

He then sent me screenshots showing me their "innocent" convo. All looked OK.

Fast forward to a few days ago, she pops up again. He asked me if he should reply or not. I said you know how I feel, given you only caught up with her a few months ago why the need again now? They also have each other on social media.

I said I think it might be a good idea just to get back to her saying Listen, we're both with different people now so maybe it's not appropriate to be in contact for now. Take care.

He said he didn't want to do that.

Today he pulled out his phone in front of me and gets me to read the messages to her so I can see for myself that nothing's going on. Except that he must have forgotten that he'd sent her a message asking if she fancies meeting up with him.

I'm quite angry at the secrecy, because when he sent me the screenshots previously, he had purposely cut off his message asking to meet up.

Red flag or am I being precious? Please be gentle. Feeling a bit Sad

OP posts:
Report
Dozer · 23/08/2016 22:19

It all sounds much too angst ridden and hard work for such a new relationship: what's the point?

Report
RandomMess · 23/08/2016 22:20

Less than a year together

85% rocky

Lying about stuff


Why are you bothering? But your losses and RUN!

Report
Dozer · 23/08/2016 22:20

Oh and he has red flags for being controlling: why did you stay with someone accusing you of all sorts?

Report
Missgraeme · 23/08/2016 22:20

Unless they have a child together there really is no reason he should be winding you up by keeping in touch with her and lying about it when he is on social media out in the open if she is just a friend. Big huge flappy red flags. If he needs her to keep his ego stroked he needs dumping.

Report
April241 · 23/08/2016 22:22

If things have been rocky 85% of the time and this is a recurring issue then I'd be walking away I think, too much hassle going on there.

Report
glitterwhip · 23/08/2016 22:23

Agree with dozer it does sound like hard work
And also it doesn't seem like he's really over the previous relationship..I can understand your concern about his reluctance to stop contacting her so frequently unless there's children involved I don't see the point.
You've told him how you feel and the ball was in his court and he refused to put your feelings ahead of hers ..that would be a big no no for me

Report
magoria · 23/08/2016 22:26

People treat us how they think and behave.

A liar thinks everyone lies.
A thief expects everyone to steal.
A cheat thinks everyone will cheat.

He is insecure and accuses you of all sorts because guess what... he is keeping secrets from you, contacting exes and asking them to meet up.

85% crap and hiding things from you.

Life is too short. Don't waste another year.

Report
CafeCremeMerci · 23/08/2016 22:29

One year
85% crap

You need more than that to ditch him?

Seriously?

Report
Bloopbleep · 23/08/2016 22:30

I am still in touch with my ex - he's still my friend. I'd be pissed off if my oh said I had a timetable to which I had to stick to contacting him within. My oh trusts that nothing will ever happen (ugh just no) and sometimes he comes along too when we meet up and they get on quite well.

If he's being open then the problem lies with you and your insecurity. Not showing you every message isn't a sign of lying or cheating. To be perfectly honest it's none of your business. If this is how you feel within a year, imagine how much worse it'll get when you've invested more time and emotion in the relationship.

Report
TheNaze73 · 23/08/2016 23:44

Why do you choose to be in an 85% rocky relationship?

Report
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 24/08/2016 00:01

Counselling in a relationship less than a year old? Oh dear. That's a whole field of red flags. Pretty unusual too.

Whose idea was the counselling? You say it has worked? How long ago was the counselling and how long did it last?

He believed you will cheat on him given the opportunity because he would cheat on you.

Report
MiddleClassProblem · 24/08/2016 00:07

You both sound insecure, if it started off like this then where do you go?

He could genuinely be friends with his ex, you say he's jealous and accusatory of you and you seem similar tbh, just lesser. And that will probably grow rather than trust in each other.

End it, sorry, hun x

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.