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OH Wants to end things as he's worried he'll get hurt in the future

(44 Posts)
K8tyjones42 Tue 23-Aug-16 21:36:56

I've been with my OH for nearly 2 years, he's 12 years older than me.
We've just come back from a fantastic holiday together but last Saturday I was in a bad mood & stormed out of his.
He now says that he wants to end it as he would rather quit now than in 5-10 years down the line.
He's been married twice before (19 & 15 years) so I do get where he's coming from, but surely live is for living? We don't know what is going to happen around the corner!
I'm seeing him tomorrow to "talk" I just need some help as to know what to say, I don't want it to be over :-(

Hassled Tue 23-Aug-16 21:41:14

Well if he doesn't see a long-term future then better you know now. Or is this some sort of punishment because you stormed out? I'm sorry - it must be very painful for you.

CalleighDoodle Tue 23-Aug-16 21:41:33

You stormed out because yu were in a bad mood?! Is there more to this? Because quite frankly i dont blame him for deciding he doeant want thay drama.

K8tyjones42 Tue 23-Aug-16 21:45:18

I stormed out because I felt that he was ignoring me, I was also tired & post hols blues. I could have told him how I was feeling but I didn't want an argument.
I honestly thought we were happy so I'm shell shocked

AnvilAnnie Tue 23-Aug-16 21:46:59

He's had two marriages of 19 years and 15 years???
How old is he exactly?

K8tyjones42 Tue 23-Aug-16 21:48:52

54 I'm 42

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 23-Aug-16 21:51:04

He has not experienced a lot of adult life as an unmarried man has he?

smilingeyes11 Tue 23-Aug-16 21:51:34

stormed out of his - so you don't live together?

K8tyjones42 Tue 23-Aug-16 21:53:02

No he hasn't, he's been in relationships his whole life!
No we don't live together see each other 2-3 times per week

HeddaGarbled Tue 23-Aug-16 22:57:54

It sounds to me like he's fed up with your behaviour and that if you genuinely want to keep him, you need to apologise profusely and talk about how you will handle your moods more maturely in the future.

K8tyjones42 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:04:12

Brutal, thanks!
I don't storm out on a regular basis! I was fed up that I thought he was ignoring me, I didn't know why.
Yes I could have handled it better but we all have off days don't we!!

SandyY2K Tue 23-Aug-16 23:13:51

Well if he wants to end it now he can do that. Did you consider that he might have been tired and not ignoring you?

If it was the man who stormed out people would say it's manipulation or something similar. It's not a mature way to handle things and if you were expecting him to run after you or come begging you to return, you've got quite a different reaction.

If everything else in your relationship is great thrn I'm a bit surprised thst this one incident is causing the end, but if it's just another thing, thrn it may well be the straw that broke the ca,els bsck and he's had enough.

HeddaGarbled Tue 23-Aug-16 23:16:07

Was he ignoring you? It's difficult to tell what's going on.

Could be he's a sulky, passive aggressive type, really was ignoring you and the threatening to end it is just part and parcel of that subtly abusive stuff he's pulling to keep you on your toes.

Or he could have been tired and post hols bluesy just like you so was a bit quiet.

K8tyjones42 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:23:48

He absolutely could have been tired/post hols blues too it came across as him not being happy to see me/barely speaking & then sticking a film on which he knew I'd hate. I could have sat there quietly, ask him what the problem or leave.
I know that leaving wasn't the most mature thing to do, he's absolutely not the kind of guy who would come after you, so I didn't expect that.
We've been really happy (or I thought we were!) I think he's terrified that he'll get hurt somewhere down the line

HappyJanuary Tue 23-Aug-16 23:28:20

I honestly don't think anyone would end an otherwise fantastic relationship because of one isolated incident. To me, it sounds like he already had misgivings and the storming out was the last straw/excuse he needed. In fairness, with two failed marriages behind him, he is well placed to know when a relationship feels wrong. Better to find out now, but I'm sorry it's not what you want.

Somerville Tue 23-Aug-16 23:30:54

He could have been planning it for a while - looking for an excuse to end things in a 'nice' way.

But either way, it doesn't really matter why he's saying it. He just is.

I wouldn't go to talk to him tomorrow. Or if I did, I'd retain dignity and not beg to give it another shot.

K8tyjones42 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:32:15

No it's really not i feel very confused by it all. We don't argue (occasional bicker) enjoy each other's company and have had a blast for 2 years. I think he's panicked,nobody is perfect we all have off days, I didn't handle Saturday well with hindsight but I never thought for one minute he'd end it

K8tyjones42 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:33:43

I won't be begging,I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me I just want some answers (I'm not sure I'll get them)

K8tyjones42 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:34:16

I won't be begging,I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me I just want some answers (I'm not sure I'll get them)

APlaceOnTheCouch Tue 23-Aug-16 23:37:50

No-one ends relationships because of a fear of future hurt. Either he wants out or he wants you to beg him to stay. Neither is good. I'm with the PP who said 'don't go'. You don't need to talk about it. Take him at his word.
As for walking out- you don't live together. If you're not enjoying each other's company then it's fine to decide to go home.

TheNaze73 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:39:38

He doesn't sound passive aggressive, I think he just wanted a bit of peace by the sounds of things. Are you happy normally when you're not getting 100% attention? It's only been 2 years, so I guess you're still learning about each other. Don't whatever you do, go all needy on him when you next see him.

Hope all goes ok

K8tyjones42 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:45:14

Thanks Aplaceonthecouch I'm not going to stay somewhere that I feel uncomfortable, I should have told him quietly that I thought it best that I go as neither of us weekend in the mood for company but I didn't :-(

K8tyjones42 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:47:28

I'm absolutely fine, I'm not a diva I don't crave attention at all but I would expect if you hadn't seen someone for 3 days then you'd be happy to see them.
He's not passive aggressive, what you see is what you get, he doesn't play games which is lovely.
I just wish I knew what was going on in his head

Bogeyface Wed 24-Aug-16 00:00:20

Cant be arsed with that shit.

So yes, you did behave like a bit of an arse in the way you did it, but it sounds like a row was brewing so you leaving was probably the best thing. However his way of dealing with it, dumping you because he doesnt want you to do that again, is a tantrum at best and controlling at worst. Basically he is telling you that if you stay together then you are never to upset him again, never to be angry with him again and never show your feelings again.

Fuck that.

Oh and "I dont want to get hurt in the future" really does sound like a crap excuse fwiw. Take him at his word and dont contact him again. The "Talk" will be all about how you are wrong and he is right and what you must do to keep him. As I said....cant be arsed with that shit.

daisychain01 Wed 24-Aug-16 05:59:51

We're only hearing one side of the story here. Sounds like it isn't exactly a marriage made in heaven.

Have you thought of attending relationship counselling? I think you both need some techniques in how to communicate with each other better.

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