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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I think it's over and I'm in a daze

98 replies

LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 00:10

Dh has ended it I think. I'm not sure if he will turn around tomorrow and say it was all an overreaction but I don't think he will.

I think he may read mn as he knows I come on here so will try to be careful what I say.

We've been together over ten years with four kids. I don't give him enough of what he needs. We don't earn a lot and I don't know what to do, I can't afford a solicitor, can't afford to buy a house if we sell the one we're in.

I can't talk to anyone.

I'm screwed. My kids are going to be messed up. I don't think I can cope with this.

OP posts:

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LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 00:15

I think he has been abusive in some ways in the past and I've often wondered if we were right to be together. But ultimately I thought we were going ok and despite being busy all the time and trying to make ends meet we were happy. I'm not a crying mess but I don't think anything has sunk in. He is looking for a place to stay.

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FetchezLaVache · 23/08/2016 00:17

What happened tonight?

LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 00:19

I've never been on my own as an adult. I married dh and moved in with him when I was 18.
I keep thinking I'm heading straight into poverty and it's my fault the dc will be there with me.

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LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 00:24

Thanks Fetchez. I'm not sure what happened. We had an argument which wasn't anything spectacular or poignant. We argue every now and again like most couples I would imagine but dh said it indicated how I didn't listen to him or didn't care for him. Next thing he says he's not happy with me or our relationship.

What can I say to that? I suggested counselling but he won't go.

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LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 00:26

I have a knotted stomach. We had a lot of plans. Part of me thinks he can't be really serious.

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Lilacpink40 · 23/08/2016 00:29

You're in shock. Is there anyone you can call in RL?

FetchezLaVache · 23/08/2016 00:32

Lilac's right- make yourself some hot sweet tea for the shock.

Lilacpink40 · 23/08/2016 00:42

You will be ok.

You will get help and support. You are still you and the situation will get better.

Hoping you've contacted family and friends

LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 00:55

Thanks.

I spoke to my brother. We're not close and only speak or see each other every few months. I just don't have anyone else to talk to that I trust.
He downplayed the whole thing and said to see how things are tomorrow so now I'm wondering if I'm making a bif deal out of nothing. Feel like my head is spinning.

Going to try and sleep

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LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 08:26

Still in bed. Don't want to get up and face the day. Lots of Doing Things Loudly by dh. Not sure what that means. I don't want to ask him as worried what the answer will be.

Not sure how I'm going to put on a front infront of dc either. Feeling a bit sick

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LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 08:29

Can hear youngest dd calling for me. Going to get her up and try not to cry infront of anyone, I think that's a good first step .

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Livelovebehappy · 23/08/2016 08:38

Confront him and insist he sits down with you to discuss what his plans are. It may be that he is just kicking off and in the cold light of day realises he was over-reacting, but the banging about is just typical sulky activity? Hope things go okay OP.

LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 09:05

He's at work now. I keep checking round the house and everything's still there. Sounds stupid but part of me keeps looking round thinking 'at least there'll be more space once his stuff is gone'. I'm confused about how I even think about this. It's part limbo, part planning and preparing and part distraught about the state of my marriage which I thought was ok.

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Lilacpink40 · 23/08/2016 09:34

Can you arrange childcare for when he's due home, then sit and talk tonight?

FetchezLaVache · 23/08/2016 09:43

Morning Lotsa, you sound very strong and together this morning! Go you!

I think you're thinking that because although you're clearly prepared to work on your marriage if he's still in it, I don't really get the impression that, deep down, you'd actually mind that much if he walked. He doesn't sound like a kind or loving man. Anyway, like Livelove said, do make him discuss his plans with you tonight and if you can, use today to make a few of your own.

Ladyloose · 23/08/2016 10:09

Good morning, very late for me but non the less.

It seems these threads keep popping up more frequently than you may think. So your not alone.

The best thing you can do right now is all the above and self relect. Give him space and he'll contact you. Try not to demand an explanation as this may have adverse effects. Give it time. Spend quality time with your kids. Release in the evening.

Poverty comes in a variety of flavours. Having children and taking parental responsibility will have its benefits and its negatives.

You seem strong so it will eventually make sense.

I went through something similar a few years ago. Quite emotional and upsetting.

Remain strong. A nice walk so the house doesnt remind you of memories etc

LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 11:08

I think deep down part of me knows we weren't right for each other but we worked hard to be together (or so I thought ). We are very different people. I still can't believe it. He is being cold.
Last night he said he would need a few weeks to get his things together and he would be taking his finances out of our joint account. I just kept thinking and saying he was overreacting. Cold light of day I'm now wondering wtf I'm gonna do with over half of the income gone. The mortgage, childcare, bills etc. My income barely covers the mortgage I have no idea how to make this work.

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LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 11:11

We spoke briefly this morning and he doesn't want to talk it over as he thinks it's pointless. He keeps saying he is not getting what he needs but when I ask what he means and if he can be more specific he says there's no point and he doesn't have a specific list.

I'm not asking for a list. I just thought well over ten years with kids deserves more effort before throwing it all away.

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LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 11:13

Fuck

I've just reduced my hours at work so I could go back to uni this year.

How the fuck am I supposed to go now?? My whole future is fucking up around me

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FetchezLaVache · 23/08/2016 11:17

In light of your update, I'm sorry my love but I think he may have met someone else. Can you get any money out of the joint account? And is there anyone who could watch your kids while you go and see a solicitor? You can usually get a free half-hour. Or Citizens' Advice. You should find out what you're entitled to.

seventhgonickname · 23/08/2016 11:40

Get angry
Then get practical starting with your joint account,do it today,he may already have moved money out.Also make sure your wages,child benefit do not go into that account.
Then when your feeling angry enough sit him down and make him talk about the practicalities as he still has mortgage and parental responsibilities.
Also be kind to yourself and congratulate yourself for each step.Good luck

LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 11:45

I don't think there's someone else. There can't be. I don't think so. Is there? Shit.

Solicitors appointment tomorrow for 30 mins. No idea what I'm doing. I can't afford a solicitor so will have to just take advice and hope for the best.

No money in joint account, a few hundred until pay day to cover groceries. We are definitely not rolling in it. Tax credits and child benefit go in my account.

Should I cancel the dc music lessons? I can't afford those on my own, we had to make sacrifices so they could have their lessons as it is. Have asked when he will be telling dc. Not looking forward to it.

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LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 11:50

I'm going to have to sell my house and move out of the area. My dc are going to have to move schools. Wtf.
Is this my fault? Have I just fucked up their lives because I'm a shit wife???
I didn't think I was that bad. He's painting me like I just neglected him all our relationship. I don't think that's true but I'm not even sure anymore

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RestlessTraveller · 23/08/2016 12:30

Ok you're spiralling. Take a deep breath, don't do anything rash. Will he come home from work today and talk to you about what's happening?

LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 13:32

No he won't. We spoke this morning and he was clear there he said everything he wants to and doesn't want to discuss it further other than to sort out finances. I have cried to the solicitors receptionist, cried to CAB and also to the uni I'm due to start all whilst trying to sort this mess out.

It's surreal between making sandwiches and doing the laundry I'm trying to play with the dc and make phone calls about my future breaking in half.

I just want to be held right now. By my dh. But that's probably never going to happem again. Fuck.

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