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Has anyone else totally given up on finding someone

(64 Posts)
nataliemej Mon 22-Aug-16 23:22:22

So I'm 29 single, no children I work full time and I l get told very often I am attractive, I'm mentally stable, easy going and just generally an alright person to be around so why should it be so hard for me to find a partner?!
I've had 2 long term relationships which were both Ended by me as I wasn't happy both men were heartbroken but The relationships wernt right and had run there course so i left
I since dated my perfect man who seemed head over heels for me and I was the same then out the blue he ended it with no real explanation leaving me wounded, since then I have had no contact with men what so ever, no potential dates not so much as a flirtatious text, I have tried online dating and have been bombarded with messages but not one of these men have taken my fancy, there's a couple of guys I know that i would possibly be interested in but I don't know how to approach them so I have come to decision that I am going to stay single forever it is too much effort trying to find someone and I am an old fashioned girl who is not going to chase after a man I believe they should try and pursue you, I have accepted the fact that I am too old now to find someone all the good ones are taken and it's only the weirdos and players that are available now and I can't help but feel like it's karma coming round to bite me in the arse for breaking my exes hearts I feel this is my punishment now, eternal loneliness, anyone else in the same boat as me?

Cabrinha Mon 22-Aug-16 23:37:40

Trying not to be mean here as you're obviously low about it but... leetle bit too dramatic? smile

Eternal loneliness?

I don't think you can say in the same breath that it's too much effort, then complain about not finding anyone.

It's like staying in a job and moaning about.

Lick your wounds after the last guy, break ups are shit. But then have a think about the "too much effort" stance. If you don't want eternal loneliness, isn't it worth some effort?

Lick your wounds, then drop the 50s princess attitude that men must chase you. Why?

Rather than moping around about non existent karma, why not spend some time working out why you won't approach a couple of men who interest you? Clearly, not all the (potentially) good ones are gone!

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 22-Aug-16 23:39:13

You're 29. Of course not all the good ones are taken. As a single man of 42 I object to you assuming I am a player or a weirdo. It is a shame that at such a young age you've decided you'd prefer to spend the next 40+ years alone because you refuse to consider asking a man out yourself. We can all get a bit self pitying at times being long term single but it's not like you've been single all your adult life. Buck up.

Bellyrub1980 Mon 22-Aug-16 23:42:10

Plenty of people meet their life partner in their 30's. I did!

nataliemej Mon 22-Aug-16 23:45:16

I understand what your saying guys but I can't help but feel that way, i wouldn't dare ask a man out incase I got rejected I'd be so embarrassed so I just sit back and hope they'll come to me and when they don't well they're gone and I let them go and do nothing, dating just seems so hard now I see so many of my friends in bad relationships chasing men who are inbxing other girls on facebook etc which is a problem this day and age i just don't want to get involved in that so maybe it's easier for me to stay on my own and be happy that way

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 22-Aug-16 23:52:21

Dating is harder than it needs to be through your own choice. It's fair enough to get woe is me if you've been single for years having actively tried online dating, new clubs etc and that hasn't worked but in life you can't wait for everything to fall at your feet. You want a job? You look for one and apply. You may not get it. So you apply for another. Similarly when looking for a place to rent or buy. So why not do the same about looking for a relationship? The world owes you nothing. If you want something, do something. If you try but don't succeed, feel free to moan. Until then....

singingsixpence82 Mon 22-Aug-16 23:59:52

I'm in your boat, but I'm mid thirties. Although I don't think there were that many good ones to begin with to be honest, because we live in a patriarchy in which men are encouraged to believe that all of the things that make relationships happy are natural facets of a woman''s personality and therefore not things they should think about doing for their partners. My guess is you left your early relationships because these men weren't meeting your emotional needs and the relationships were unsatisfying for you. This is typical. They were devastated because you were doing a very good job of meeting theirs. I'm also guessing you tried to talk to them about your unhappiness and ultimately tried to get them to meet your needs but they ignored you?

Maybe I'm totally wrong but almost all of my relationships go this way and a large number of my friends are in relationships governed by this dynamic. If you read the book "wifework" you'll realise that we live in a society in which male/female romantic relationships are almost always governed by this dynamic in which women do large quantities of "emotion work", making their men happy while men are physically present but contribute very little. Meaning relationships in our society tend to be happy and fulfilling for men but not for women which is why the majority of divorces are instigated by women and women who remain married are far more likely to be depressed than single women (they often stay for the kids or because they can't afford to leave).

There is hope - some men get what they need to do to make the relationship happy for their partners but it takes vast amounts of effort and money to find them. Have you thought about a dating agency? Some of the best one advertise very good results although I've yet to go down that route....

SoleBizzz Mon 22-Aug-16 23:59:57

I am 42. I'm fat, single Mom, disabled child, on benefits. I gave up eight years ago. Men don't want me. A blessing in disguise after reading the relationship board here. Ugh.

Cabrinha Tue 23-Aug-16 00:01:19

So, do you have a proper "issue" with rejection?

Then go get counselling. Surely that's worth a bit of effort?

And if it's just a common or garden don't like feeling stupid kind of embarrassment, then frankly - suck it up! Yeah it's not nice, but it's not the end of the world and it's better than "eternal loneliness".

In it to win it.

(DrSeth - the matchmaking with AF didn't work out then? Public embarrassment!)

nataliemej Tue 23-Aug-16 00:13:25

I wouldn't say I have an issue with rejection as I've been rejected due to the fact I've never put myself in a situation where I could get rejected all my previous relationships the guy has made the first move and that's what I'm used to now I'd just feel like such a fool if I asked someone out and they declined

Cabrinha Tue 23-Aug-16 00:21:04

Yeah, it's not fun being declined.

But is it really so bad that you'd rather have the alternative of staying single?

Some people have good reasons to choose not to date, and are happy with that.

But it seems to me that not wanting to be embarrassed at a "no thanks" isn't really a good reason at all. Worrying about it is worse than it actually happening I think.

singingsixpence82 Tue 23-Aug-16 00:38:22

Try online dating/tinder etc and meetup.com/citysocializer.com. If you're attractive you shouldn't have a problem getting dates...

LowAMH Tue 23-Aug-16 00:53:36

I met my DP at 29. Great age for meeting a good un - they really aren't already taken!

Agee you need to make a bit of effort and can't just expect the perfect man to fall into your lap.

RepentAtLeisure Tue 23-Aug-16 01:15:10

I agree, try OLD. I'm going to an OLD wedding next month, and an old friend has just met someone she likes through it too.

Your relationships ended because they weren't right, you shouldn't have to accept that over being single! You've got loads of time to meet someone. I'd wait at least 10 years before deciding you'll be forever alone smile

TheNaze73 Tue 23-Aug-16 01:32:19

I think you probably need to change your attitude on a couple of things. You're only young, so I wouldn't rule it out. However, OLD has been a game changer & decent women & men stand out a mile. I wouldn't assume you'll be chased as people will just move on. Good luck for the future

TheBriarAndTheRose Tue 23-Aug-16 01:37:10

I have to say, the older you get, the less you care about rejection. Well the less I care anyway.

I would think nothing of telling a man I liked him now or asking him out. After all, we all like to know we're attractive to someone, even if we don't feel the same way about them.

I might feel disappointed that it wasn't going to become the great love story of my life, but I wouldn't feel embarrassed. In fact, it's quite liberating to own your feelings like that.

grobagsforever Tue 23-Aug-16 07:12:08

OP for heavens sake. I'm 35, have two small children which I have all of the time due to being widowed at 33. The odds of me finding a new partner are far more stacked against me than you! I'm sure as hell not giving up. I've asked men out and been rejected - you get over it. I'll find someone because I have a number of positivequalities that statistically speaking, are bound to appeal to someone decent. Quit the pity party and text the man you like. It's very empowering.

HollyBollyBooBoo Tue 23-Aug-16 07:14:57

What's OLD?

Ragwort Tue 23-Aug-16 07:20:03

Eternal loneliness hmm?

You need to give up with your self pitying attitude, that probably puts lots of people off - enjoy your life, make friends, find things you like doing, widen your social circle; don't just bleat on about meeting 'someone special'.

The happiest people I know are those who are content in their own company - you may or may not meet someone, but it is really, really off putting when someone's sole focus seems to be on 'having a relationship'.

minmooch Tue 23-Aug-16 07:24:31

Oh lord - I'm done for then! 49 divorced twice, my child died. I think it probably won't happen for me in finding someone but I'm still open to the idea. I don't wait to be asked though. I'm sociable and confident. I've done old and done with that! Hoping tomeetsomeone the old fashioned way. Face to face. At a party? Having coffee? Unlikely but who knows?

Blup Tue 23-Aug-16 07:28:38

I gave up at around the age of 30, having decided that ask remaining single man were weirdos. Then I met DH, who is a weirdo, and realised that a weirdo was what I needed.

DrMorbius Tue 23-Aug-16 08:35:37

Try rereading the last half of your post and that might explain why you are alone. You sound like a 15 year old.

DraeneiMage Tue 23-Aug-16 08:41:43

You're only 29 (although agree the last part of your post sounds really childish).

If nobody is taking your fancy then that's down to you. If you're being messaged and approached to go on dates then the fact you're eternally lonely is down to you.

Be less picky, or just accept being single until you find "Mr Right".

DraeneiMage Tue 23-Aug-16 08:43:23

Also nobody really likes a walking pity party.

TheBriarAndTheRose Tue 23-Aug-16 08:45:53

Unless your criteria is ridiculous, then don't be less picky. It's important you find someone who is compatible.

What hobbies and stuff do you do? How are you meeting these men?

If you're really very attractive, then the majority of men who just bombard you with compliments and ask you out in clubs/bars are going to be dicks because those are the sort of men who just try it on with every woman in a 10 mile radius. If you're just "I'm 29 and childless" averagely attractive, then you might need to work on your personality and let other people see that.

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