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Why can't dp understand I NEED a break?

(14 Posts)
PeppasNanna Mon 22-Aug-16 23:18:48

I have totally lost perspective as I'm exhausted so if I need to STFU & stop moaning, you lot can tell me!

Back ground dp never steps in or takes over with the dc or house. I am a SAHM not through choice but our middle 2 dc are Autistic. Moderately so, they attend Special Schools, get DLA & respite, (to give you an idea of their level of need).

I do have an income from a business i have had for years but I employ people who manage it very well.

The dc are 15, 11,8 & 2. Summer holidays last 9 weeks due to different term dates.

Dp never takes over. I asked him to take all the dc out one day a month so i could just clean up & have some 'head space'.
He didn't do it once, (hes had 2 weekends off work since the start of holidays).

So I started to go out to get a break but hes managed to mess my plans up twice. Last weekend I was late meeting some friends as he went out for bread & milk but was gone an hour.

Today I had a hairdresser's appointment but he suddenly declared his car wasn't working propley & he needed to take it to a friend's garage an hour away.

I'm away by myself next week with the dc so no break for at least another 10 days.

Am i expecting too much?
He acts like he doesn't understand why i am so grumpy, i literally want to scream at him!!

SaggyNaggy Mon 22-Aug-16 23:27:17

No, you're not expecting too much.
Why don't you pop out for milk next time? For about 3 hours.
Next time he has a day off, don't say a word, get up before him and go out before he's up.
smile

PeppasNanna Mon 22-Aug-16 23:29:58

I shouldn't have to, though-should I?

His next day off will be Friday 9th September & 3 of the dc will be in school...

The 2 year old gets up about 6am so I'd need to be up & out earlygrin

M0rven Mon 22-Aug-16 23:43:27

I recently listened to a radio 4 programme about full time dads. They all went on about how hard it is as they only get one day off a week . I was shouting at the radio - I was a FT mum of three children under school age and I didn't get one day off PER YEAR .

And I've only one with mild ( by your standards ) SN.

Once the youngest was at school I got two nights and one day off a year .

Yes my H is a selfish self centred git and I'm planning to LTB

MorrisZapp Mon 22-Aug-16 23:48:03

Sounds bloody awful. Is this a recent thing? Has he ever been remotely useful?

DontMindMe1 Tue 23-Aug-16 00:04:57

well you don't have to put up with the drain on your energy!

If he thinks it's ok to leave you to effectively be a 'single parent' then you may as well do it properly - and i bet you will feel a while lot better in the long run, you might even get set days off each month if you ensure access is done through the courts.

sorry to sound so negative but i don't see how he's in a partnership with you.

confuugled1 Tue 23-Aug-16 00:43:01

Dsis H was like this - they have 3 dc and he contrived somehow to never have the 3 dc alone when he needed to look after them and actually parent them - there was always someone else there - usually his mum. Even now he rarely looks after them and feels very put upon when he has to 'babysit' them. He is a farmer in a small village where the space time continuum got stuck in the 1950s, I've spent most of my adult life in London, still live in a city and am all for life and rights in the 21st century and call him out on things like 'babysitting his own kids' every time he moans about it mentions it and a whole load of small minded tosh he comes out with.

At the same time he nags dsis about the fact she is never doing anything and that she has life really easy. She had to give up work due to illness and is often in pain, she still manages to look after the kids (who can be naughty and sadly have started to speak down to her like bil does making it harder to control them), get loads of food on the table, (bil expects to walk in and have lunch waiting as well as freshly baked cakes at tea time), plus run a b&b from home to get some income in. He wouldn't know where to start, does his damnedest to avoid ever having to do any of it, and thinks that as she doesn't help with the farming (she can't- makes her illness worse) that she obviously isn't doing anything angry. He also sabotages every attempt she makes to go out and do anything for herself.

Needless to say he makes me v cross.

Which brings me eventually back to your dh. Yup. He's a selfish arse as you have even more on your plate than dsis and just like bil he is deliberately actively deciding that you don't get to have a life. Ever.

Have you ever asked him why he is going out of his way to spoil the few moments you would get to yourself, even when you have pointed out that it is a big deal to yo even if not to him?

Not much to say but have some flowers as I'm guessing that you don't get anything in appreciation of the hard life you have from him.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 23-Aug-16 01:11:41

My ex used to pull the same stunt when I had a rare outing, always late home and one time even secretly rang the rest friend and I were going to, and cancelled my booking. Luckily we were the only guests in there as it was mid week.

Mind you he was a controlling arse over everything, and rarely helped with our terminally ill child, he doesn't want to help lovely sorry flowers

PeppasNanna Tue 23-Aug-16 16:22:24

Guiltypleasures I'm so sorry about your dc...flowers

I just don't understanding why he can't see tgst i need a break. We've split up before & i regret tdking him bsck as nothing changed.

If I'm honest, i haven't ttied hard enough either.
Ive turned into a miserable old martyr.
I don't recognise myself.

I realise things will never change unless i change them. I need things to change...

Its very scary as I'm very much on my own with the dc. sad

PeppasNanna Tue 23-Aug-16 16:22:58

Excuse my typosblush

NickyEds Tue 23-Aug-16 16:27:53

Yes it is scary and hard and unfair. You deserve better. If you're going to stay then Friday the 9th September is your day off. Don't explain, don't plan, just leave on the day and have the day to yourself. He will never do this for you so you have to take it for yourself.

LizzieMacQueen Tue 23-Aug-16 16:36:32

Is he scared of looking after them all?

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 23-Aug-16 17:55:10

Hi peppas thanks for saying

My ex just couldn't be arsed to be honest, he was incredibly selfish and made it all about him, I'm afraid to I did try the Tactic after 36hrs straight no sleep with her, of just laying her on our bed with her and collapsing on the sofa. All he did was bring her down stairs and lay her on the floor, then went back to bed.

Some blokes are too selfish to make the effort, I know what it's like to be a martyr hand up I was that woman, once you accept they are no help and don't want to be because they resent the focus being taken off of them, then it gets easier when they let you down.

Make whatever plans you need to put in place for yourself help wise and block him out, my dd did die eventually, I'll never forgive him and knew that I would divorce him one day, I don't know if he's ever forgiven himself either.

Make your plans lovely flowers

Anniegetyourgun Tue 23-Aug-16 18:50:25

He put his terminally ill child to sleep on the floor, so he could have the bed to himself? Never mind LTB, I'd KTB. You may be excused for letting him live as you were obviously too exhausted to finish him off. Will never forgive himself? I should bloody well hope not.

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