Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

"My Husband/WifeWould Never Have An Affair"

(253 Posts)
headinhands Mon 22-Aug-16 22:58:50

Is it just me but, there seems to be so many 'breakup + ow/om' posts at the moment? Been reading them today and getting angrier and angrier on their behalf and feel so much empathy for them (and very impressed with how mature they're being!)

Got me thinking about how sure some married people are that their partner wouldn't/isn't having an affair. Seeing these posts about these affairs that come out of the blue how on earth can anyone say that? Do you say that about your spouse? And if so what makes you feel you can say that with any confidence?

AJ279 Mon 22-Aug-16 23:06:38

I would say that about mine. Mainly because of his brutal honesty when things aren't great with us. We've both said we would rather just call it a day than cheat. He's been cheated on before and despises cheating. Of course you can never be 100% but I'm pretty close. That isn't to say we have a perfect relationship, far from it. But he's always told me when he's unhappy and same with me.

U2HasTheEdge Mon 22-Aug-16 23:07:45

It's just people being naive.

I have met a couple of people who were loyal and loving partners for many years but ended up cheating. People who you would never think would cheat.

I don't think my husband is likely to cheat. I would be shocked to my core if he ever does but I can't say he never would because too many people say the same and end up getting cheated on.

smilingeyes11 Mon 22-Aug-16 23:11:36

I used to say that about my ex - would have bet my life on him never being unfaithful. Oh how I laughed when I found out about the cheating, the online profiles and the many lies he had told over 15 years. Still can't believe it now so many years later.

Hassled Mon 22-Aug-16 23:11:50

I was one of those people who would have said that right up until the very moment my first H told me of his affair. I'd have sworn blind he'd talk things out, he wasn't that selfish or foolish. I was just very naive.

Bogeyface Mon 22-Aug-16 23:12:26

I think that people do believe it, I did until it happened to me.

Now I realise that anyone has the potential to cheat and that the decision to cheat or not is made deliberately.

U2HasTheEdge Mon 22-Aug-16 23:12:34

We've both said we would rather just call it a day than cheat

Pretty much everyone says this though. Again, I have heard cries of 'well, he said he would leave me before he ever cheated'

I trust my husband 99.9%, more than I trust anyone in the world (well, except my mum) but I still wouldn't say that he would never cheat on me. I don't have a crystal ball and I have no control over what he does.

Sofabitch Mon 22-Aug-16 23:15:19

I read a study that said women on average rate other people's partners at a 40% chance of cheating. But their own at 5%.

Trust is always a matter of perspective

DearMrDilkington Mon 22-Aug-16 23:15:56

I agree completely, nobody can ever be 100%. I never realised how much it happens in long-term marriages/relationships before joining mn.

Bogeyface Mon 22-Aug-16 23:16:05

Yeah U2 I had that too. H promised me that he would leave rather than cheat, I made him swear it. And I believed him.

Stupid fucking idiot me believed him hmm

AndYourBirdCanSing Mon 22-Aug-16 23:19:28

You can never be sure, sadly. I have been utterly shocked by some of the people I have known to be unfaithful. I believe everyone is capable of it, and more so as I get older.

U2HasTheEdge Mon 22-Aug-16 23:21:00

Bogey he is the idiot, not you thanks

headinhands Mon 22-Aug-16 23:24:46

See I would be very surprised if dh had an affair but why? For my part we seem so connected and intimate. Have a v good physical relationship and cuddle and kiss a lot but then many of the posters here would have said the same about their marriage before they found out about the affair. It makes you think doesn't it.

SandyY2K Mon 22-Aug-16 23:25:18

I don't say it publicly about my DH and seeing what I see, one can never say never, but I really don't see my DH as someone who would have an affair.

I wouldn't put my life on it, but while he's friendly and sociable enough, he isn't the type to chase women.

He's not really one to strike up conversations with women and this was his personality when we met. We met in a setting where the hard pursuit wasn't required to begin with.

He also holds onto his cash, so he isn't going to splash out on a woman either. He only spends what he has to even on himself. I've had to drag it out of him over the years.

If an attractive woman threw herself at him, who knows if he'd resist, though I can't see where that would happen.

I would probably worry more about him connecting with his Ex. A familiar face.

cowbag1 Mon 22-Aug-16 23:26:23

Never say never.

I think even the most decent person could cheat given the right set of circumstances, like a 'perfect storm' almost. So for example: you're not getting on + you haven't had sex in ages + you have a huge big row + get pissed + someone comes on to you etc etc. I can see how anyone can cheat in those circumstances.

I think it is less likely that a really decent person is going to have something more than a one night stand but again, in the right set if circumstances, who knows?

I'd say I trust DH about 99% not to cheat as he's a good guy, our relationship is good and he has very little opportunity to be honest! But I would never say never.

Missgraeme Mon 22-Aug-16 23:26:23

Joining MN has made me quite suspicious now tbh!!

Middleoftheroad Mon 22-Aug-16 23:28:43

I was so shocked when my quiet, sensitive and loyal ex of 7 years went off with his sister's best friend then still lied about it and treated me like I was something he'd stepped in.

Sadly, after that I realised that nobody is immune to being unfaithful.

mumofthemonsters808 Mon 22-Aug-16 23:30:05

I'd never say never on this one, the only person I trust in this life is myself and even I let myself down sometimes.I don't think my OH cheats, but if Kirsty Gallagher happened to get a job where he worked and he saw her day in and day out and the attraction was mutual and he knew he could get away with it, I'd say he'd go for it. I don't think he could resist the temptation, we've had this conversation and he won't admit it, but as he laughs, I can see it in his eyes that I'm right.

I've met many women who believe their husbands are not the type to cheat and I think it's such a blinkered, naive point of view.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 22-Aug-16 23:31:15

Everyone is capable of cheating OP. Even you, given the right/wrong circumstances.shock

Middleoftheroad Mon 22-Aug-16 23:34:33

Oh and he was tight with money, not really one to talk to women etc. Then he suddenly became Mr generous and sociable mid affair.
We also had a good sex life and nobody flung themselves at him. It takes two to cheat. I just think you never can tell....

headinhands Mon 22-Aug-16 23:37:24

Gosh yes dione seeing how happy the marriages seemed to be at some point for these posters. While I think I respect dh too much, and myself, spouses who have affairs would have said this too. None of them would say 'well I just never respected him/her'.

AJ279 Mon 22-Aug-16 23:39:21

U2 I did also say that I could never be 100% but I'm pretty close- just to back me up if I'm ever on here asking for advice about my cheating OH!

I think cheating is a personal choice which is made based on people's morals and personality traits, and I think these opinions of whether or not a partner would cheat are formed based on how much someone will truly let you see of them. Based on our relationship and what has happened in his life previous to me, what I know and how well I know him, I 99.9999999% believe he would not cheat on me, but that's me and my relationship, others will be different.

I think the blanket terms of 'that's what they all say' or 'I thought that' are slightly unfair as for every 10 people on here asking for advice on a cheating partner, there are 100's not posting to tell everyone that their partner is still faithful, some that truly believe that it would never happen.

He will always have the ability to surprise me or just leave, but it wouldn't be through cheating in my opinion.

bigbumbrunette Mon 22-Aug-16 23:42:56

My husband always said he'd end our relationship if he was ever so much as tempted rather than have an affair. He didn't have the time, I always knew where he was, nothing changed in our relationship, our sex life was great, I trusted him with my life. Then I found out the truth.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Mon 22-Aug-16 23:45:49

I'm sure a lot of people believed they weren't the type to cheat right up until they did. Of course some people are arrogant, premeditated cheaters. I have a friend who's dh is a serial cheat because he's a twat and thinks its his right hmm

HappyJanuary Mon 22-Aug-16 23:47:44

I'm so cynical about this now.

I would have bet my life on stbxh being faithful - so shy and awkward around women, so loving to me.

Since finding out about his affair so many friends and acquaintances have felt able to tell me that their DH's have also had affairs. Lots of these marriages seem rock solid on the outside, wonderful family men.

And then there are all the mm who come on to single women like me, or pop up online or on dating sites.

Honestly, I now think a faithful husband is only faithful because he hasn't had the opportunity to cheat.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now