My husband can't stop lying

[ralice]

Hi all. I think this is my first post - I've been lurking for years.

My husband is a liar. Not earth-shattering, life-changing lies, but lots of small lies.

Tonight, for instance, he's meant to be running a singing group (a paid group, he gets £5 per person). It's only the second week it's been on, yet he told me when he got home from work at 6.15pm (the group is at 7.30) that it's been cancelled because the venue overbooked. I thought it seemed a bit fishy, so after dinner I looked at his Facebook messages - I know, I know, I am in the wrong for that one - and I found that he'd told the whole singing group a lie; that he'd lost his voice so couldn't attend!

It's not the first time he's done this. A few weeks ago he was meant to be performing in town for a free gig. He was feeling tired so he told me that he let the guy running it know that he wasn't going to be able to make it... I found out later that he'd told the guy he had to take our son to hospital!!! The guy posted on Facebook that he hoped our son made a speedy recovery!

He has also lied to me in the past, mostly about money. For instance, earlier this year he didn't tell me that he had about £1,000 on credit cards from over-spending at Christmas. When he did eventually tell me it was only because I was trying to work out our monthly bills and how we'd survive because I was on maternity leave and he'd just lost his job. And when we first got together a few years ago he was getting some letters from bailiffs saying he owed £300, £600, £500s etc. He lied and said it was all a mistake - it came out a couple of years later when we were trying to buy a house that this was all correct and he had an atrocious credit score. I had to bail him out over £2.5k so we could buy our house.

I can't think of many other specific cases, but it's just little things: "I forgot" when he just couldn't be bothered; "They didn't have any in stock" when he didn't even go to the shops; "It was in the sale" when it was vastly over-priced; "[Our son] wasn't hungry" when he didn't think to feed him lunch... Eventually most of these lies come out because I'm observant and have a good memory, and he forgets which lies he's told. Most of the time I don't bother mentioning when I know he's lying.

I'm looking for some advice here. Do I confront him about his lying? It puts me in a difficult position because I can never trust what he says! We are married and have a mortgage, so if he gets in lots of debt it will negatively affect us both (and our son!).

What would you do? I am armed with so please say what think about this situation. Thank you!

[BroomhildaVonShaft]

Honestly? I'd divorce him. Compulsive liars don't get cured.

[Justmuddlingalong]

His behaviour sounds totally exhausting to live with. I couldn't put up with it.

[CodyKing]

He's taking you for an idiot - he really ruins you take it all in -

If he lies over small stuff what would happen to the bigger stuff?

You only truly own your reputation

[TheNaze73]

He sounds like a wrong un'. All the lies add up, it's deceitful & if trust is important to you, I'd get shot

[ImperialBlether]

I couldn't live like that. They're stupid, foolish lies because he's too lazy to do something properly. He'll drag you down into debt and lie non-stop about it.

It's a sign of a really weak character, OP. You don't need that sort of thing around you or your children.

[Missgraeme]

My ex did this. The lies got bigger until he was seriously lying. I wish I had thrown him out much hope sooner and saved myself and my kids much stress and upset.

[ralice]

Blimey. I think I agree with what you are all saying. I couldn't imagine divorcing though, we're just coming up to our second anniversary. It seems like throwing in the towel so early, you know? I have such great fun with him most of the time. There are just so many little lies - it's the ones I don't know about that worry me most.

[smilingeyes11]

no amount of redeeming features would convince me to stay with suck a liar - add financial incontinence to that too, well the implications could be huge. If he lies about appointments and money what else has he lied about that you don't know?

[smilingeyes11]

Sunk costs fallacy - will it be great fun when you lose your house or you find an affair?

I am astounded that someone lying about your son being in hospital is someone you could consider having 'fun' with.

[Justmuddlingalong]

You aren't throwing in the towel too early. You would be cutting your losses and not wasting more time with someone who doesn't respect you.

[bikerlou]

Compulsive lying is one thing I never ever tolerate in a man. I had one relationship with a liar and he turned my life upside down.

I'm afraid I'd divorce him and start again. A liar can never be trusted and will never be cured.

[madgingermunchkin]

I'm wondering why you didn't run when you couldn't get a mortgage because he's a lying dick.

It's not throwing in the towel, it's self preservation. Little lies become bigger ones, which get bigger and bigger.

Get shot.

[Wooftweetwooftweet]

My dh used to be a bit like this. He's much better now with me but still does it with other people to a certain extent for stupid reasons.
It gradually stopped with me through a few different things I did.
For example, your example of saying the child wasn't hungry would be something he would say. I'd know instantly he was lying, though knowing the c hild well and knowing a lie when I hear it so I would play along.
"Really, gosh that's a new one, normally he'd demand lunch" "are you OK ds, are you feeling ill if you lost your appitite" to the presumably non-volatile child.
This would make him stop and realise I was well aware and almost antagonising him to admit the truth.
Or if he was supposed to make a phone call and didn't bother,he'd say there was no answer. So I'd say, that's funny, usually they have a machine, what time did you ring? Acting in astonishment and disbelief at such a situation but not acting as if I didn't believe him, if you know what I mean.
This sort of made a big deal out of lies so he knew he couldn't get away with it and its easier to just say the truth.
He could be lying because he doesn't want your reaction to the truth. If you ignore it but he knows you know the truth, you are giving the message that it's fine and ok to keep lying. So my advice is keep questioning, not accusing but act as if you can't figure it out as it doesn't make sense. It actually creates more work to sustain the lies then and he mightnt be bothered.
I do think it's the sign of a weak character. I like to think my strong belief in being morally and real and true to myself and others is wearing off on him

[HopeClearwater]

Marriages need to be based on mutual trust, which you haven't got here. I sympathise. Many addicts are like this. Difficult.

[Wooftweetwooftweet]

Non vocal not non volatile!

[Resilience16]

Have you asked him why he lies?

[Costacoffeeplease]

How on earth have you put up with this for so long? Bailing him out, and he's still lying - does he have a solid gold cock?

[ralice]

Resilience, I asked him today. Funnily enough we were watching something on tv and there was a character who was a compulsive liar. He said that he lies because when he was little his dad used to smack him. He didn't really say why that leads to him lying..?

Wooftweet, thanks for your advice. I did that today, I acted incredulous that they could have overbooked the room. He came up with something more elaborate about why they needed the room at short notice :(

[ralice]

Ha costacoffee. We've actually not had sex since before LO was born last September. Maybe part of the reason we haven't done so is because of how I feel about his lying

[legotits]

Sunk Cause
Aye, bang on.

You've got to go lass, he will suck you dry and still blame you.

[Purpleeggs]

This just sounds like it will end really badly.

[Hidingtonothing]

What I can never understand is why they lie, surely it becomes obvious over time that lying (and maintaining those lies, remembering what they've lied about etc) is actually harder work than telling the truth, than doing the things they say they have but really haven't and than the fallout when the truth finally comes to light? It makes no sense to me, surely they're making their own lives harder as well as their family's?

[StopMakingMeLogOn]

It's a massively disrespectful thing he is doing, to you, to your dc and to all the people who have relied on him and trusted him and believed in what he is saying.

The lies themselves might be small (not the money one - that's huge) but what thry signify is a really big deal. I don't think I could get past him telling someone your child was in hospital just because he cba to fulfill a commitment he made. Disgusting behaviour.

[Lemonlady22]

struth....are we married to the same bloke.....i know when my H is lying...his lips move...every time he speaks its [email protected] my time!