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Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

(527 Posts)
aleC4 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:12:09

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

bramblina Sun 21-Aug-16 23:16:15

It may not destroy them, I have 2 friends who have divorced and life a very happy life raising their 2 children together. They are not bitter towards each other, they still respect each other and their kids are pretty rounded, solid people.

I am a child of divorced parents who split when I was 15. It was, at the time, pretty devastating (mostly because I thought we were a perfect family but now I'm older I'm honest and realise we were far from it! I just couldn't admit it at the time) however, "staying together for the kids" is a phrase which upsets me as this is more harmful.

I am sorry for what you are about to go through and can imagine you will be devastated, but I just wanted to put a little positive thought on it which maybe soon you may be able to relate to.

Good luck with everything.

Ollycat Sun 21-Aug-16 23:16:59

I'm so sorry - hugs to you.

Don't really know what to say other then to maybe suggest counselling to him before making any major decisions / telling the kids.

aleC4 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:21:13

Thank you.
I know the children will get over eventually and dh and I will still very much do things together as far as the children are concerned eg parents evenings, sports events etc. We will still hopefully be friends and communicate well.
Dd is 9 and I think she will be ok but I really worry about ds who is 11. He is about to start secondary school so has a lot of big changes coming up. He and dh are very close and he is very emotional. He really bottles things up.
I don't even know where to start with the practicalities. He has said he will make sure me and the kids can stay here in our home and will always contribute but realistically he is going to have to fund his own place eventually.
This is like a bad dream.

aleC4 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:22:13

Ollycat he says there is no point. Greats he has been trying for ages to make himself feel things and he can't change it.

VaginaJones Sun 21-Aug-16 23:24:30

I'm so sorry Op flowers.

Why is he in such a rush to end your 15 year marriage and move out? Bit shitty of him not to mention anything beforehand about the way he was feeling so you would of had a chance to at least try and work on things.

I know it's the last thing on your mind but you'll have to try and get your finances in order and visit a solicitor asap, especially if he has been planning this for a while...

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sun 21-Aug-16 23:25:17

Oh Jesus, another one!! So sorry OP. This screams OW or at the very least a mid life crisis. If course you are mates, that's what a long term marriage is. The 'spark' is what you get at the beginning, in bed. Idiot. You'll have lots of good advice her OP, too many of us have lived this but for now,if you possibly can, just say fine..go live elsewhere, when would you like to see the kids etc? Crying, begging etc will not work. If what you want is to rescue this thenthe best thing you can do is call his bluff. If he still goes, then it's his loss. Easy to say I know,but true x

aleC4 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:28:18

We did have a conversation about 2 months ago when he said he was worried about our relationship because we never seemed to have any couple time. He's right, we both work full time and are really busy with the kids. We vowed to do more together both as a four and as a couple and we have. Things were going well or so I thought. He has never said anything since and didn't seem unhappy.
This week in holiday he has been a bit distant. Now I know why.
How on earth do I tell my family. They all love him to bits and will be so upset and as shocked as I am.

NanaNina Sun 21-Aug-16 23:29:25

So sorry you are having to face this OP - how mean of him to spring this on you, especially just before your son (and his) is about to start secondary school. I hate to say this but it sounds like there's an OW - there usually is when they're in a hurry to move out.

Don't let your heart over rule your head. As VJ says above get your finances in order and consult a lawyer. Hope you have good supportive family and friends.

aleC4 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:31:12

I have cried most of the night but I will not beg. I have more self-respect than that. If he wants out I will not stop him.
Tomorrow we have agreed to look over finances which is going to be a nightmare. I don't think we can afford two houses but he won't be able to stay at his dad and step-mum's for long.

aleC4 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:35:35

I do have good family and friends and for that I am very thankful. So many of our friends are joint which makes things awkward but I think I know which ones I can count on.
I can't even let myself think about another woman. He has a very close female friend who he met through work and although o had my suspicions once upon a time that she liked him I don't think there is anything going on.
He has been very 'nice' about it and has apologised for dropping such a bombshell. I just feel as though all the future I had planned out is gone. We had made so many plans together. How long was he making them for and thinking this?

intheairthatnightfernando Sun 21-Aug-16 23:38:21

Feel so upset for you reading this. This happened to me. Nothing you read here can prepare you for what is coming as it doesn't seem believable at all when it is happening to you.

I am still in the thick of it (he left us on Christmas Day). Nothing would stop him going. I was absolutely sure there was no OW, but I think men rarely leave without one (she now says bitterly). We can't know what will unfold in your story but my advice is: keep positive for your children, gather your friends round you and accept their support, start trying to disengage as it is a LONG process, tell everyone right away so the telling bit is over.

Feeling for you so much.

WannaBeDifferent Sun 21-Aug-16 23:40:08

You poor thing , what a shock for you . He must have hidden his feelings very well if you had no idea this was coming . flowers

NanaNina Sun 21-Aug-16 23:43:04

Oh you poor love - and yet you are managing sooooo well - I'd be screaming like a banshee if it were me. I thought he said he would make sure you could stay in the house. Can I ask do you have a mortgage or is it rented. You really do need some legal advice asap. I know that he will have to pay maintenance for the children and for you as you are married. I can't believe he hasn't got somewhere to go and is only staying at his dad's until the dust has settled. Quite often they claim to have met someone AFTER the marriage had ended......but that's not always true. Do you have reason to think there is an OW? I think it would be best to get legal advice before you talk finances with him, so that you have an understanding of your rights.

Sending warm wishes - you will get through this but not without emotional pain sadly.

aleC4 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:44:58

He did hide his feelings well that's for sure. He said on a recent lovely day out we had he felt lonely. What is that all about? Makes me feel a bit angry now to be honest.
We have always had a sticking point about certain things. He had a difficult childhood and has suffered bouts of depression whereas my childhood was idyllic and happy. He thinks because of this I don't get it when he is feeling down. I have always been really supportive and helped him through it but perhaps sometimes my usually cheery and positive nature grated on him.
I'm going to need every ounce of that positivity now that's for sure.

aleC4 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:49:08

We have a joint mortgage. Ican't afford it on my own but he said there is no way he will make me move out. Tomorrow we will look at all the joint things eg mortgage, loan, childcare, children's clubs etc then look at general maintenance to clothe/feed the children. I know I will be able to get a reduction on my council tax but not sure about any other of my outgoings. Not sure whether they would change.

NapQueen Sun 21-Aug-16 23:49:28

Oh my word what a shock!

I wonder if he has "had his head turned" - either a woman or even if a new mate leads the single life and is bigging it up.

Either way you seem to want to handle it with dignity and we'll done for not begging etc.

Keep calm. Keep sensible. Ducks in a row. And look after yourself and the kids.

aleC4 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:50:28

Intheair - Christmas Day, great choice of day. You poor thing.

aleC4 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:52:48

Definitely not any new mates and he's not the going out living it up type.
If he ended up with this particular friend I would not be surprised though. However presence of OW is by the by for now, I just don't know how I am going to get through tomorrow.

trafalgargal Sun 21-Aug-16 23:54:36

Why does he expect you to tell the children ?
Surely as he's the one deciding to leave he should be doing this ....or you tell them together.

I'd make him do it, the first consequence of his decision.

aleC4 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:59:02

He is telling the children, sorry if I misled. I will be there but he is doing the talking. He asked me what I thought he should say? How the fucking hell should I know! I said hr has to tell them the truth that he doesn't love me anymore and is moving out but still loves them very much and they can see him whenever they want/need to.
I told him to be prepared for the children to blame him and so they bloody should but I won't bad mouth him. I'm not like that. I shall just tell them if they ask that it's just one of those things and it's OK to be sad because I am going to be sad too. I expect a lot of tears from all of us.

pieceofpurplesky Sun 21-Aug-16 23:59:02

I have been there ale flowers
He is trying to make it your fault - be wary of believing him - he felt lonely/he lost the feelings ... But he hasn't tried to put it right. My exh did just this - just remember it is him who is leaving and you have done no wrong

aleC4 Mon 22-Aug-16 00:00:36

Piece he did admit blame. He said it is him who has changed the feelings and he said I have done nothing wrong. He played the 'you're such a great mum' card - just not a good enough wife then I guess.

Lilacpink40 Mon 22-Aug-16 00:03:13

He sounds like a moody dishonest child and I'm sorry but I wouldn't be surprised if there was OW involved somehow.

In my case the OW did me a favour as, even though it's been an awful time for our DCs to adjust, ultimately I'm better without him and his controlling behaviour.

It's early days and you sound like you're in a 'practical' mode and assessing why things have happened, trying to stay strong. Go with this, but it can be normal to have very extreme feelings that come and go. The grief of the ending of the relationship can be very hard. Do you have enough support in RL? Have you told family and friends? flowers

pieceofpurplesky Mon 22-Aug-16 00:04:49

Of course you are a good enough wife ale. This is his issue not yours.

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