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Relate

(8 Posts)
Severino Sun 21-Aug-16 07:24:06

I need a little advice please.
I separated from DH at Christmas, immediate reason due to terrible debts and bailiffs arriving at door. I did not want his name on house anymore as I was too scared it could happen again. Plan was he got them under control and sorted.
He has done this and has them consolidated and so 'safer'. However the separation confirmed just how unhappy I was in the marriage, he was very EA to me. We have talked about this and he admits it was the stress he was under and he feels so terrible about the way he treated me etc. I believe this and I do see a difference in him.
However - I just don't feel I love him anymore. He is better with the children now, when he comes round it is more relaxed than when he lived here, but I am always so pleased when he leaves. He is desperate for us to be a family again and to be given the chance to make it all up to me. I just don't feel the same. He suggests counselling, does anyone have any experience of it bringing back the love? I feel maybe I'm too far down the road being by myself. If my heart is not in it is there any point, or can my heart be changed?

FinallyHere Sun 21-Aug-16 08:04:42

So sorry to hear what you have been going through.

Colour me cynical, but I would wonder whether his change of behaviour is because he feels he is loosing control of you. I would keep him at arms length for the foreseeable future. If you get back together, could you really trust him not to revert to his original behaviours. However he behaved, you would always be wondering whether...

All the best.

Severino Sun 21-Aug-16 08:14:04

Thanks for that...
Yes I do also wonder how long this new behaviour would last. He says it was all to do with stress which is now no longer there, but I am less sure.
I am happy to keep things is they are and not even look to the future but I don't want to string him along as if it's a definite 'no' then he wants to divorce and move on.

Iizzyb Sun 21-Aug-16 08:18:16

I went to relate many years ago with exp. as a result of our counselling we decided to separate. Exp and I were very honest with each other at the time although it was an awful time.

Relate can't get you the love back as you say. They can help you work through things together altho many couples do decide to separate as a result.

Sounds like you are doing a great job on your own & he doesn't like the fact that you are doing it without him. It's so very different when they can't control you op.

Also if you are now back on your feet & kids have a good relationship with him do you really want to risk spoiling that? Very few people actually change esp if they have form for EA and given that history do you now want him knowing your inner thoughts again?

Sounds to me like he has everything to gain from getting back with you but I can't see much in it for you.

The other thing is if you go to relate appointments and you op decide not to have him back is he just going to take it badly & be difficult?

Sounds like you and kids are doing great. You don't owe him anything so I'd think hard before changing anything for him. Good luck xx

troglodite Sun 21-Aug-16 09:26:12

I agree with lizzyb What's in it for you? You feel relieved when he leaves - that syas a lot, living with an EA even when they are in a "good" phase is stressful, you never jnow when it will start again.

I would keep things as they are. You could say you are not ready for relate - suggust he has counselling on his own to deal with EA issues - couples counselling is not recommended where there is abuse. You could have some counselling alone to clarify what you want to happen and how to approach it. Don't feel "guilted" into taking him back or do it for "the sake of the children"

Good luck xx

Wolpertinger Sun 21-Aug-16 09:33:49

Do not go to joint counselling with him if there has been abuse - he will only use it to manipulate the counselling so you do all the work and feel guilty while he does nothing.

Does he really want to 'make it up to you' or just have another opportunity to control you like he did before? Anyone can behave well for short periods of time but it is rare for EA people to truly change.

You sound happy without him. He doesn't have a right to a relationship with you. If it's over it is over.

Severino Sun 21-Aug-16 10:40:52

Thanks everyone. I think I just wanted to feel justified in my decision: it's been 8 months now and as much as I feel sorry for him, in my heart I don't want to rekindle the relationship. He still grates on me when he is here and I am not convinced it would be any different in the long run... And yes I am happy without him. As trog said I think I am feeling 'guilted' into doing it for the children. Which of course I know is a mistake.
Thanks so much for taking the time to post.
After so many years of being controlled by him it's sometimes hard being assertive enough to trust my gut feeling.
Now I just need to tell him...

troglodite Sun 21-Aug-16 14:59:25

Good luck x

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