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Marraige and doubts(56 Posts)
I'm due to marry my DF in 2 months and I am plagued with doubts.
We are together 8 and a half years, I am 31 and he is 28.We have had an amazing time up until this year.
We were renting for 2 and a half years 2 years ago and then moved back home to our parents houses to live separately so we could save for a house. I was home 1 week and we got the horrendous news that my close cousin had committed sucide at the age of 23. Loosing her killed me, however 3 months later he proposed to me and then 4 months later we got the keys to our house. I remember the morning we got the keys, I had a horrible gut feeling in my tummy, like my heart sank. It went away after a day so I put it down to nerves about the new house.
We booked the wedding quite quick and fast foward to now, it is looming! I think it all happened a bit too quick.
I feel since the end of last year, we have got lazy in our relationship, we don't do much together, don't treat eachother and our sex life could be better, I think I have a higher drive than he does. He is stressed in his job and can be cranky. He used to be full of life and very affectionate. Back in January, I realised I had feelings for a friend in work.
It really freaked me out and this is when the doubts started about my DF.
Back then, i told my DF that I was feeling a little weird about the wedding and felt that we were in a rut, I really broke down. We said we would work on it and to be honest, we didn't,we brushed it under the carpet, something I really regret. I got sick in March and he really took care of me.
The doubts are back, but I know why.
The feelings for the OM have been in the background of my head since January but I learned to hide them and put them out of my head, although still being friends with the guy.
On a night out recently, he confided in a mutual friend that he had feelings for me. My friend, who knows I had feelings for him, decided not to tell me. However, as he had drank quite a bit that night, he told me he loved me. I laughed it off as he can be a funny guy but then went into the Ladies and cried my eyes out. I just felt really stupid as I thought he's just drunk and I was annoyed it affected me as I thought I was over it but I never was.
My friend did eventually tell me what he had said to her earlier on in the night. It totally shocked me to think that I wasn't imagining this 'connection' I felt with this guy. He is constantly on my mind but nothing can happen. He has a GF and I'm getting married in 2 months.
We spoke after that night and he said sorry for what he said and he shouldn't have said it and that he shouldn't be liking someone else. We laughed it off.I apologised for getting upset and told him I liked him a little more than I should and it was all ridiculous.
The doubts this time around have been awful, I'm constantly crying and talking things through with my DF and a few true friends and family.
The wedding is up in the air. My DF is a great guy, on paper we are perfect. I'm just terrifed we have become friends rather than lovers. I feel so so guilty for having feelings for someone else and causing all this hurt with my doubts.
Any advice would be amazing!
I have started councilling and we are going to go together this week. I wanna fight for us but I'm terrifed this can't be fixed.
I'd suggest postponing the wedding ASAP. Carry on with counselling and think about what you want.
The OM doesn't sound genuine, but is an excuse for you to fix your doubts onto.
I remember the morning we got the keys, I had a horrible gut feeling in my tummy, like my heart sank. It went away after a day so I put it down to nerves about the new house.
That was your inner voice telling you this is wrong for you, that deep down you aren't ready for this. It may not have been a harbinger of doom as perhaps he is an ok guy. That doesn't mean he is Right for you though. Would you consider putting everything on hold? The pressure to just plough on with plans and expectations can be intense; clawing back some time and space for you to think would require some bravery.
I'm a firm believer in gut instinct though. Your heart sank. It should have flown but it didn't. That's a huge signpost pointing another way.
Thanks for the reply!
Yeh the OM is probably a symptom of it all.
I would like to postpone the wedding but my DF does not want that, it's now or never so if I don't go through with the wedding, a break up is on the cards. I understand why he feels this way.
Your senses were already looking for an escape route when you felt stirrings for another. Not a good time to act on any of that though. I think you should take some time out for you and YOUR life.
In that case Pink - given his ultimatum - I'd let him go. This really isn't right for you and this is YOUR life (not sorry to say it again)
It's good to get views from people who don't know us.
I just feel selfish, I know it's my life and I have to think of number one but it has always been easy with him, everything fell into place and I have shared a good chunk of my life with him and if we break up I know I'll be devastated. Just absolute pure confusion. I know it shouldn't be this hard.
Ultimatums of this nature are a red flag btw! Perhaps he is more wrong for you than can be known right now?
Well I do understand where he is coming from. If we dont get married now, we will probably never get married. It's like we have a deadline to make the decison.
He admits we haven't been great so at least it's not just my doubts that are the issue.
He's probably giving you an ultimation as he knows if you postpone it it might not happen
Go with your gut. I changed my mind outside the church but my dad told me to get on with it people where waiting..... We limped on for 5 years.
Being selfish is not always a bad thing - it's about Self and enhancing your life and others' too. Things may have slotted into place easily but a few years down the line, having over-ridden those warnings in your gut and soul, you might find you are dealing with way worse ultimatums from his entitled self. Be wary. Doubt is you questioning the whole relationship. You've seen something in him that hasn't shown itself yet but your hesitation is certainly causing him to increase the pressure to be compliant. Shouldn't he be listening and hearing you, giving you space because who wants a wife who's unsure from the get-go about marriage?
Thanks for all the replies!
Tipsy, this has been going on for a few weeks, he has asked me to be honest and ha said if I am not 100%, we cannot go through with it. I have hurt him a lot but he is still very loving towards me. He is now saying even if I'm 90% sure now, he'd take that. We went on a date night a few nights ago and stayed in a hotel. He bought champers and poured us both a glass and he said "To us...whatever happens" so perhaps I have painted him in a bad light above.
Ultimatums of this nature are a red flag btw!
I disagree with this. If a man was being flaky with me, then I'd take the same stance.
You give ultimatums when you don't want to be messed around and when you have a limit of what you'll tolerate.
You aren't in the right place for marriage, so just call it off and be done.
I always find people want to support the poster here, which is fine. But do remember there's another human being involved as well.
Let him go and you can both pursue happiness elsewhere. It's wrong to get married while you feel like you do for another man.
I appreciate your view and that's it, I'm not expecting all the support here as I feel super bad about myself. There is another human being involved, one that I truely care about and would never hurt unless I knew it would be better for us both in the long run.
It's the question of am I still ^in ^love with him that is the problem.
I wish I never felt anything for the OM, I wish I could control those feelings.
I think you need to let him go. He's only 28, he's got plenty of time to find someone who really loves him. Don't hang on to him and screw up his chances of future happiness. He'll be sad initially but he'll get over it in time and then can find someone who really wants to be with him. Be kind, don't blame it on him, but don't marry him.
So what I'm getting from all the replies that there is no hope for us
I thought I was really fighting for us, family and friends have just told us to do what makes us happy, I've always thought this is what would make me happy and feel like I'm ruining it for no reason at all. Life would be so hard without him but I can't pretend the doubts aren't there. It's killing me.
I don't know anyone who approaching marriage to the man they love would be fantasising about being with another man.
When I was engaged, there was no other man on my mind. That you have a very strong attraction to another man at this stage of your relationship, really is a sign that marriage would be a bad idea.
Too many marriages end in divorce and it's because many of the couples should never have married in the first place.
If it was just a case of sorting out your relationship, that would be one thing, but it's more than that.
You can tell him the issues you previously discussed in the relationship haven't reached the state of happiness you wanted.
I didn't say I was fantasising about being with another man, I said I had feelings for one. I realise that it is wrong and I'm trying to deal with that. I didn't choose to have these feelings but I chose not to do anything about them.
I guess the friend I have confided in about the OM, she told me it was only human to be attracted to other people and it was just wedding jitters. I was holding on to that but i understand that this isn't the case here.
If it was a case of me just finding someone attractive and forgetting about it that's fine but the fact it has aided in me having doubts about my DF is a very bad sign.
I'm just so heartbroken over this.
I'm sorry about your cousin.
Postpone the wedding. You are not in the right headspace to make this commitment now and you know it. Yes it won't be easy to do but it's the better option when the alternative is saying "I do" when your heart is screaming "what am I doing?!" And then a disjointed relationship as you feel plagued with doubts and possibly a traumatic divorce.
Marriage is hard enough when both people are all in and have no doubts. In your current state of mind a happy marriage is impossible. Tell your DF what you need to (the OM could be a red herring don't mention him) maybe you need to properly deal with the grief you feel over losing your cousin? But either way buy yourself to time to work out what you want. Without a looming deadline you will be able to see things much more clearly.
Don't marry him.
Anyone I know who divorced will admit that they KNEW it wasn't right but it seemed to difficult to break up.
Break up now, it'll be much worse after you are married and have children.
You really shouldn't marry this man.
You should not be fighting for your relationship a few weeks before your wedding. It should be easier than this, at this stage. It should be straightforward, loved up, not a fight.
You are young, he is young, you don't have kids (do you?) you have no need to fight for this. Let it go. Find something you don't have to fight for before you've even encountered the first really big test (children).
It won't get better. It's finished. It was good while it lasted, you had some good times and it sounds like he's been a reasonably good person in your life. But not every relationship you ever have, is designed to end in marriage and last all your life. Both of you have moved on from when you first met and the relationship has come to a natural end. You're fighting to keep it alive because of this wedding and there's no need. Let it go, while it's still good and you can both look back on it as something that was good in your lives.
These replies are absolutley killing me but it's a reality slap I probably need. Can't stop the tears.
No AskBasil, We have no children, always imagined having kids with him, he would be a great dad.
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