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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Relationship being described as stable

27 replies

thisisgettingridiculousagain · 20/08/2016 22:27

Have been happily with DP for over 5 years now.

Overheard him when asked if he was happy with our relationship, he responded 'it's more stable'.

I feel a bit

My sister thinks I am over reacting, but I feel a bit sad. Not sure why I posted this, but looking for reassurance I guess.

OP posts:

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LemonSqueezy0 · 21/08/2016 09:17

What was the context? I mean, what was the other part of the sentence? It's more stable (now than before when I was thinking of leaving.....) or its more stable (than happy) seems like an odd way to phrase it if it doesn't make sense to you, and your perception of the relationship. He either didn't mean it as it sounds, or you need to talk to him and understand his feelings and perceptions. Communication is key. Hope it was just clumsy phrasing...

Pinkmoon1 · 21/08/2016 09:33

I would definitely talk to him and ask him what he meant, even if it's just to ease your mind.

HeddaGarbled · 21/08/2016 10:15

I think that's awful actually. It's not so much the use of the word stable as the not agreeing that it's a happy relationship. And saying that to a third party is so disrespectful to you.

OneArt · 21/08/2016 10:18

Or maybe he means more stable than a volatile past relationship?

I wouldn't see this as a bad thing. I know it sounds like a boring answer (rather than saying it's wildly romantic and I'm madly in love) but stable is good!

ElspethFlashman · 21/08/2016 10:25

Did he mean more stable than his previous relationship? In which case that's good.

Or did he mean it's more stable than happy? In which case that's bad.

Trifleorbust · 21/08/2016 17:19

I would ask him.

fastdaytears · 21/08/2016 17:20

Ugh not great

The "more" is confusing. More stable than previous relationship? More stable than happy?

You need to talk to him

thisisgettingridiculousagain · 21/08/2016 19:24

I am quite upset. I missed the bit beforehand, so don't know the full context. He definitely wasn't referring to a past relationship as he was single for a long while before me and I am his first very long term relationship.

The exact words I heard were him being asked 'Are you happier now with the relationship?' To which he responded 'It's more stable'. I didn't hear the bit beforehand.

OP posts:

allofthestress · 21/08/2016 20:36

Maybe they weren't talking about your relationship? If that's all you heard it could be work related or something to do with friends

thisisgettingridiculousagain · 21/08/2016 20:42

Definitely me, could tell as soon as I approached them

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2016 20:44

I would feel very uncomfortable hearing someone else ask how the relationship was and hearing that reply. Why would anyone ask? Was it a man or a woman?

thisisgettingridiculousagain · 21/08/2016 20:53

Yes, I have been unable to get it out of my head. We did have a very brief bad patch a few years ago, but that was in the distant past and nothing major- just some arguing/lack of communication etc but we figured it out quickly, within months.

I guess she could have referred to this? Even so, I am just saddened by his response. Not sure what it means.

A woman asked, not a close friend, more of an acquaintance, so she would not know that we are solid at the moment.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 21/08/2016 21:00

Maybe as it was only an acquaintance he was uncomfortable with her question and gave a bland answer. It would be strange to launch into a vivid description of your relationship to a mere acquaintance.

ProseccoBitch · 21/08/2016 21:07

Have you asked him about it? If not, why not?

MiniCooperLover · 21/08/2016 21:16

Are you worried that they were talking about you in a 'it wasn't great before but how is it now' 'it's more stable' kind of thing?

ProseccoBitch · 21/08/2016 21:25

It also seems odd that someone who was just an acquaintance would ask such a personal question, I think would set alarm bells ringing for me.

Cary2012 · 21/08/2016 22:40

Why would 'just an acquaintance' ask how his relationship was? Suggests that it is something he had previously discussed with her. Bit personal?

thisisgettingridiculousagain · 22/08/2016 18:34

He must have definitely discussed with her previously, that I don't mind so much, what bothers me is his response. She is an acquaintance, he could have just responded yes, he is happy/happier.

Prosecco - why alarm bells?

OP posts:

Cary2012 · 22/08/2016 19:39

I have acquaintances OP, we discuss the weather, Eastenders, stuff like that.

Your marriage has been discussed between these two, possibly many times over a while. How would that come about?
I can only imagine at some time he told her that things weren't great at home, so she was catching up with him, to see if they had improved.

Stable isn't great, means ok, on an even keel, could be better, could be worse. That's an issue.

For me, an 'acquaintance' of my husband having chats about my marriage, would concern me very much. There's a line that's been crossed, he should respect you more than to discuss your marriage with any one, unless they are close family/friends, or preferably of course, you.

ProseccoBitch · 22/08/2016 20:06

For exactly the reasons Cary2012 has mentioned. The state of your relationship isn't something you'd usually discuss with an acquaintance. A very close friend yes, acquaintance no.

thisisgettingridiculousagain · 22/08/2016 20:19

I don't know why he would discuss with her, she isn't a close friend as have never met her before now and she doesn't seem the usual personality type he hangs around with.

I imagine he did tell her things were not great, but that would have been a very long time ago. Over a year ago.

Stable is not how I would describe my relationship with him and I found it quite offensive to be honest. My sister thinks I am overacting, but I feel like stable/convenient go hand in hand and I am just 'there', if that makes sense?

OP posts:

ProseccoBitch · 22/08/2016 20:42

I don't know your situation obviously and I might be reading more into it than I should, but I'd be just as concerned, in fact probably more so, at why he was discussing it with this woman. I would have confronted him immediately, but that's me, I can't leave things unsaid that I'm bothered about. I do think you should probably give that side of things some thought

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thisisgettingridiculousagain · 22/08/2016 20:53

Ok I see where you are going - this woman could be a potential OW? Highly unlikely, but nothing in life is impossible. She just doesn't seem his type. Too loud, too brash, too young.

OP posts:

ProseccoBitch · 22/08/2016 20:54

Maybe not that (well I hope not and the wording sounds too clinical) but I think it's deeply inappropriate.

thisisgettingridiculousagain · 22/08/2016 21:09

what sounds too clinical? Her or DP's response?

OP posts:

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