Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Buying a house together

(31 Posts)
Workitbabe Fri 19-Aug-16 22:03:56

Me and DP been together for 2 1/2 years and currently live in the house I shared with my exh. We are selling up and buying somewhere together but I feel uneasy. I don't feel like there is any commitment from him and I feel like I need to protect mine and my girls' future. My current house has £220k of equity - DP has nothing to put down as he is on a DMP and we will be sharing the mortgage payments. I trust him but want more from him - is that unreasonable? He recently had some money from the passing away of his Dad 3 years ago. I think it was about £5k. We spent some money on a holiday c£ 800 and he is buying his son a £600 laptop. I know it seems crazy but I hoped he might produce a ring and pop the question. He is always saying he wants to get married but it seems like it is all talk. I am probably being paranoid but it is making me feel on edge.

Thoughts?

Kaisha02 Fri 19-Aug-16 22:06:47

I think there's more on your mind if you think a ring can solve your concerns - it won't. Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? It won't be an easy conversation but it definitely could be worth having.

pinkandstripey Fri 19-Aug-16 22:09:39

If he's on a dmp he won't be able to get a mortgage? Most mortgage companies will not allow someone not on the mortgage to be on the deeds, so if you purchase a house it will be yours alone.

If he's terrible with money, don't link yourself financially to him, or you won't be able to get a mortgage either!

You need to sort out finances, a ring will kit solve any problems. Why isn't he using that money to resolve his debt problems?

expatinscotland Fri 19-Aug-16 22:09:52

I think you're crazy to jeopardise your financial future, and that of your children, for a partner or even an ex. A ring won't solve your problems. Please see a solicitor about this or better yet, don't do it.

pinkandstripey Fri 19-Aug-16 22:09:58

*not solve

ImperialBlether Fri 19-Aug-16 22:14:08

For god's sake, protect your money! He's not interested in commitment and has financial problems. Protect yourself, protect your children.

CalleighDoodle Fri 19-Aug-16 22:20:48

Just looked up Dmp and i just wouldnt do it.

Oopsiedaiseyy Fri 19-Aug-16 22:21:13

Don't do it. You worked hard for what you have and he's shown what he's about. I think you should protect you and your daughters money as you never know what happens in the future and people change after break ups and you risk losing what you have worked for.

AyeAmarok Fri 19-Aug-16 22:25:18

Just buy the house yourself, in your sole name.

cosytoaster Fri 19-Aug-16 22:27:45

Trust your instincts. Don't rush into anything and get legal advice. If it was me I wouldn't do it.

HeddaGarbled Fri 19-Aug-16 22:33:00

If you get married, he will be entitled to some of your assets if you split - the longer you are married, the more he will get.

If you put the house in both your names, whether you marry or not, he will get half if you split.

If the house is in your name but he makes a contribution to the mortgage, he will be entitled to some of the equity if you split, again, the longer he contributes to the mortgage, the more he will be legally entitled to.

Littleladylumps Fri 19-Aug-16 23:02:34

Don't do it, just don't do a mortgage with him!
If he has got into that state financially once it could happen again and screw you over

FreeFromHarm Sat 20-Aug-16 01:00:17

Don't do it, You will regret it . Lady lumps is right

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet Sat 20-Aug-16 02:05:20

Whose idea is it to sell.
I think you know its not going to work as you have ended up here.
Advise is not to sell and to protect what you own now.
He has many issues here and you can see he cares not about the money.
If he's living with you what does he pay towards bills and is he paying you money to live in your home op.
Go with your feelings here.

Steamgirl Sat 20-Aug-16 02:10:39

You're not being paranoid. Your common sense is telling you. Don't do it.

Cabrinha Sat 20-Aug-16 08:51:56

A ring won't solve your problems - it will be the start of them!

Come on love, scrape together some standards! Why are you even thinking about buying a house with someone who you don't feel is committed to you?

How much of that £5K went on his DMP? Fine to have a treat if you've been working hard on the DMP, but if he paid off none of it, I'd run a mile from someone with such a poor financial attitude. There can be good reasons why someone ended up in debt, but often there are poor ones. If they were poor and he hasn't used any of the £5K for debts (or emergency fund saving - basically something other than buying luxuries) then never tie yourself to him financially.

If you want marriage, then propose. I'd urge you not to though. And to talk to a solicitor about a pre-nup if you do.

Workitbabe Sat 20-Aug-16 14:28:48

Thanks all. DP pays half of everything so it's all fair and even. We have been granted a mortgage by a specialist provider through our financial adviser, so that is no issue- we just have to pay a slightly higher %. DP owes £19k now (originally £40k when he started 2 1/2 years ago)- he pays off £750 a month, so he is working hard at getting rid of it. This was a one off where he loaned a friend some money to start a business and got screwed over.
The reason we are moving is that currently my exh is still a guarantor on the mortgage, and we obv want him off. Plus we want to buy something together rather than living in the house me and exh lived in.
I do trust him and know he wants us to have a future together; just feel disappointed that he hasn't done anything about it yet.

expatinscotland Sat 20-Aug-16 14:32:14

No, it's not fair at all. It's foolish, in fact. You are going to risk the only asset you have, the only financial stability your kids have, for someone you haven't known very long because you don't want to continue living in a house you shared with your ex? For real? VERY silly to buy something together just now. Foolish amount of risk on your part but you seem determined to do it.

GodImbored Sat 20-Aug-16 14:37:01

I would at least wait a bit longer for the debt to be paid off. You would be mad otherwise.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 20-Aug-16 14:37:05

You will really be the architect of your own demise as well if you go ahead with this hare brained scheme.

I do not think for one minute he will ever pop the question either. He is unreliable and untrustworthy and I think your own boundaries in relationships are also very poor; what you have with him seems primarily to be based on hope alone.

SandyY2K Sat 20-Aug-16 14:44:09

You are right in your thinking. I wouldn't buy a home with him in your position, especially in the absence of more commitment.

Protect your daughter's inheritance, otherwise you'll be effectively giving him £120k and if you buy as a joint mortgage and not tenants in common, if you die the house becomes his (in the absence of any legal documents to say otherwise).

If you buy as tenants in common, any children he may have could also be due to inherit 50% (his half) of the house, unless you make other arrangements via a solicitor.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 20-Aug-16 15:36:16

If he's already contributing a percentage of your mortgage-payments he's likely to have established a claim on your equity. He'd need to go to court to exercise that claim. And he's presently not in a position to do that. Which is very, very fortunate.

If you buy together and you truly do wish to protect the equity you're putting into the new property then you need to see a solicitor and have a Deed of Trust drawn up. This will state in binding terms what is yours to take with you should the relationship come to an end at some point in the future and you need to sell up. When you have a child/children to provide a home for this is only sensible. If your partner objects to this arrangement then he's revealing himself as a cocklodger and you will know what to do.

Get married without a Deed of Trust and you could be be giving him a free gift of £100k-plus for the pure pleasure of his company. Where will you go and what will you do with half of your equity given away gratis?

Greatdomestic Sat 20-Aug-16 17:23:57

I've got deja vous regarding your post.

However, in your shoes I would not be looking to buy a property with your DP, until he is bringing more than £20k of debt to the table. Let him get this paid off, or at least more of it.

Why is it an issue to have your ex as guarantor on your mortage? I'm assuming he is your daughter's father and therefore this offers protection for them. Which your intended course of action doesn't. Did you and your ex live a long time in the house together? As you and your DP have been together for 2 1/2 years, I'm assuming your ex has been gone for at least that long.

The mortgage provided by a specialist provider - how do the rates compare with a mortgage you would get if buying with an individual without your DP's background?

Protect both your financial security and your daughters and don't do this.

BG2015 Sat 20-Aug-16 22:38:23

I bought a house with my now ex. He paid £1k deposit and I put £100k of equity in. I saw a solicitor and had my £100k ring fenced ( can't remember the legal name for it) so that if we split up and so,d the first £100k would be mine.

We lived together and pooled our salaries together for 6 years until we split in 2013. I lost money as we had to sell the house for less than we bought it for. I came out with £75k he came out with £2k that he forced me to give him. It was a terrible time.

Be very, very careful OP that you protect your equity for yourself and kids. I now have my own house and my partner lives with me and pays me rent.

JT05 Sat 20-Aug-16 23:42:48

Get a solicitor to draw up a Deed of Trust that will not only protect your money, but protect your rights regarding inhabiting the property, ie no guests staying more than a fortnight.

This can change on marriage so a pre nap would be drawn up in your favour.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now