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What to think? Getting yelled at during miscarriage

(90 Posts)
user1471638676 Fri 19-Aug-16 22:00:08

Hi everyone. Posting anon for obvious reasons.

Had a miscarriage at 11 weeks a few days ago. It went as well as it could - painful and messy yes but it happened at home and was over in a few hours. But my partner's reaction really confused me.

We've been together over 5 years, very happy relationship (love of my life - we're usually great together) although he has a really bad temper (throwing strops when life doesn't do what he wants - not sleeping well, things not working, minor stuff that most people just live with).

So the other night I came home from work, had some cramps and heavier bleeding. Was scared so got in the bath (standard reaction to any trauma...get in the bath) and asked him to keep me company. He was pissed off because he wanted to watch the basketball, rolling his eyes, all that.

The pain got worse so I curled up on the floor. It was at this point that he started to really have a go. Stepping over me to pointedly 'tidy' the house. Start shouting within earshot about how there was 'food everywhere' (I'd been preparing dinner when the pain got bad). How the house was a tip. How he had to do everything around here. I asked him to stop; he stood over me and started shouting about the same cr*p, about how hard his week had been, how he hadn't slept well. By this point I was crying in pain and pretty much begging him to stop. I crawled on all fours to the bathroom and passed my baby alone. I've never felt so alone or uncared-for in my life.

I'm confused because this is a loving, intelligent man who I know cares for me. He makes my packed lunch, he brings me tea every morning and I'm similarly loving to him. I know he has a temper but this seemed incredibly callous.

I don't know what I'm expecting you all to say. I think I'd just like to know what you think. I don't want to leave him, but as I've told him I don't know if I feel confident to go through another pregnancy in case he does this again.

Capricornandproud Fri 19-Aug-16 22:06:05

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. A miscarriage is a horrendous experience. However, you do realise that you are in an abusive relationship? Xx

SharonfromEON Fri 19-Aug-16 22:06:22

What has he said about his behaviour ?

I think this would be the end for me ...Someone who can't be there when you need them most is not a partner.

Reading the bad temper stuff...I wonder if you are minimising his other behaviour.

Sorry for your loss too flowers

NorksAreMessy Fri 19-Aug-16 22:07:02

'He has a really bad temper' is all I needed to read.
The rest was just confirmation that he is a nasty piece of work.

I am so so sorry that instead of being cared for and nurtured by the person who is supposed to love you best, during a terrible experience, you were treated worse than anyone would treat a stranger.

This man is not a good partner, and never will be.
Nurture yourself, be strong and plan a life that does not include him.

You have my sincere sympathy for the loss of your baby.

AllThreeWays Fri 19-Aug-16 22:07:56

Bad people are quite good at being nice, it gets them what they want. Until they are inconvenienced , or pushed, or annoyed.
Run like the wind, this person is truly awful.
I am so sorry you went through that alone, no one deserves that.

NewlyNamedMe Fri 19-Aug-16 22:08:13

I think when you have both settled down you need to calmly explain to him just how what he did was unacceptable and how callous he behaved.

Giving him the beefit of the doubt, I would say he was scared and didn't know to react. However, its not acceptable. Imagine how he would respond during labour.

He has behaved very badly. Do not let him get away with that. He has some making up to do. X

ImperialBlether Fri 19-Aug-16 22:08:31

Bloody hell, you don't want to leave him after that? What would he have to do to be dumped?

You lost your baby (and I'm so sorry about that) and he was so cruel and nasty and selfish. Why would you want anything to do with him after that?

AgentProvocateur Fri 19-Aug-16 22:09:16

You want to know what we think? I think he's a callous prick and you'd be better off without him. Take care of yourself. flowers

NewlyNamedMe Fri 19-Aug-16 22:10:18

P.s I actually agree with all the other pp but you know him best

AllThreeWays Fri 19-Aug-16 22:10:46

Also, if it helps with perspective, imagine if he treated you future children like that as their appendix burst, or they'd fallen and broken their collar bone

schlong Fri 19-Aug-16 22:10:46

So sorry for your loss. I sympathize and empathize having been in the same situ.
He's a fuckin cunt who deserves no potential second chance at paternity with you. His behaviour was inexcusable. Only reservation:was he aware you were miscarrying?

SleepFreeZone Fri 19-Aug-16 22:12:42

Wow.

Northernlight22 Fri 19-Aug-16 22:14:41

You need to tell him how he made you feel. It wasn't right how he treated you, but losing a baby will have an impact on him as well as you and his reaction may be linked to those feelings.

He was totally out of order to make you feel that way, but having been through a mc myself and seeing dh at a loss at how to support me I wouldn't leave if he acknowledges he was wrong (unless this is something he does to you regularly)

Mrskeats Fri 19-Aug-16 22:16:45

Firstly so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. flowers
I'm shocked that anyone could behave like that. As others have said you would treat a stranger better than that and this is someone who should want to care for you during a horrible experience.
Get yourself well and think about this carefully. He is showing you who he really is

ToffeeForEveryone Fri 19-Aug-16 22:18:08

So sorry for your loss flowers

Everyone is going to tell you the same thing. What he did is not okay, and it is not normal behaviour.

However he behaves in the day to day - a long term, life partner should not be a fair weather friend. You need to be able to rely on that person when life is at its worst. Sounds like he saw you in pain and need and could only think of himself.

It's your decision, but think long and hard about whether you can trust this man again after how he acted.

Floggingmolly Fri 19-Aug-16 22:20:29

He is not a loving, intelligent man hmm. How can you even try to excuse someone behaving like this?

PaintingPolly Fri 19-Aug-16 22:20:36

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Don't be confused about your partner's behaviour, it's quite simple, he is not a nice person. To treat you like this when you are so vunerable is beyond dispicable.
Be strong. You deserve more.

TyrionLannistersShadow Fri 19-Aug-16 22:23:45

I'm so sorry for your loss. Honestly your partner is telling you who he is, so please listen. Life can throw some awful things at us and for most people that's when their partner is at their most loving and supportive , when we are struggling and really need them. You deserve someone like that and that doesn't seem to be your present partner.

LeonardInTheArgosBag Fri 19-Aug-16 22:26:19

You can really tell who someone is from their reaction during times of stress. I've been through bad times, as has DH. But neither of us have resorted to this kind of behaviour in the 15 years we've been together.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

SandyY2K Fri 19-Aug-16 22:28:07

*I asked him to stop; he stood over me and started shouting about the same crp,

I was crying in pain and pretty much begging him to stop.

I crawled on all fours to the bathroom and passed my baby alone.

Not only would I not want to have a child with him, I wouldn't want to be with him.

Did he want the baby at all? Because I don't see one tiny bit of concern or love for you or your pregnancy here.

I mean ... your pregnant OH is on the floor in agony and he's talking about the house being untidy.

How does his bad temper play out?

BolshierAryaStark Fri 19-Aug-16 22:30:13

I'm sorry for your loss flowers
Now I'm going to be very harsh...count the loss as a very lucky escape from being tied to this cunt & RUN. He is abusive & a child will tie you to him, forever, not a good move.

phoenix1973 Fri 19-Aug-16 22:31:09

😢😢😢I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. You poor woman.
I'm so upset for you that your man has failed massively in providing the support you deserve.
No way should you consider more children with this callous cold freak.

pallasathena Fri 19-Aug-16 22:31:57

So very sorry for your loss.

This is who he is.

Real men don't behave like this.

Mummyme1987 Fri 19-Aug-16 22:32:05

I'm truly sorry for your loss. The behaviour was awful. It was your wake up call, and it said leave now.

Firsttimer82 Fri 19-Aug-16 22:32:43

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

What you are been through sounds horrendous. I really don't think that this man knows what love is. People show their true colours in times of crisis. You deserve so much better and so do your future children. What would you say if this was your best mate. You say "Get gone love" i'm sure.

Real love is out there.

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