A lot going on there - you poor thing
I'm engaged to a widower (together a year, wife died 5 years ago), several older teenage children (so the mother figure element not there for me).
I do think counselling would be a good idea, because you need to work out where these feelings are coming from. It may be from "you" and your issue (with his help) to overcome. Or it may be that he is the root of the problem - shutting down conversations you need to have. So I'll share my thoughts about dating a widower, but it's only my perspective for my relationship.
Well, firstly - my fiancé still loves his wife. Because she was awesome, by the sounds of it! In fact, we just had a text convo where I said "you pick awesome wives"
But loving her doesn't mean he can't love me. Or that the love has to be less. Think about when you have two parents, or two siblings. Or a sibling and a parent. I only have one child but I think this works if you have more... Basically - your love multiplies! You don't have to love your sibling less cos you used it all up on your mum.
My fiancé loves his wife, he also loves me.
I don't compare us at all - and neither does he. He talks about her all the time - sorry, I don't mean ALL the time, I mean - she naturally comes up in convo frequently. 20 years of history, bound to be a lot of "wife and I did this..." type stuff.
I don't doubt that there are things about her he "prefers" and some things about me that are "better". But it's not a competition, and it's all swings and roundabouts really. There's no better or worse - just two awesome wives!
If a fairy appeared with a magic wand, would he say "give me back my wife and let Cabrinha never have happened"? Yeah, course he would! But that's just not a real situation. I am not a substitute for her. I am simply the next woman that he loved.
Please don't feel second best, because you are not. She is not your competition, you are not her substitute. You are two completely individual wonderful women - who in a different world would probably have got along really well!
Don't be afraid of the fact that he loved her. Embrace it! It means you have found a man capable of love. When I have moments when I am blown away by how great my fiancé's marriage seems to have been (no ride tinted specs, I know the bad bits too!) it just makes me think "bloody hell, this man wouldn't settle for second best after that - he must think I'm awesome!"
I actually feel more secure about my partner's feelings in this relationship than I ever have done, because I know he has had a good relationship and not settled.
So... All about my! But I wanted to share my perspective, than a dead wife is not competition.
But... I do think counselling is a good idea. I'm not trying to force my opinion on you. I don't like that your partner won't give you the space you need to talk about this. And just because he's a widower doesn't mean he gets sainted and he's not an arsehole! You said there was lots you've left out, and I expect that's very important stuff.
So my advice is:
- do not feel in competition with his wife
- accept that he can love you both
- don't put up with any shit just because he's a widower!
Good luck