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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Cheated at the beginning

74 replies

ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 11:29

Just wanting to get other people's points of view on this . . .

Going to cut a long story short, but I have found out that my boyf of almost 3 years slept with someone else right at the beginning of our relationship. We were long distance at the time, but I had handed my notice in at work and was planning the move. It happened about a month before I moved in.

I only found out this week, and he doesn't know that I know.

Would you leave? I feel gutted, and it makes me feel sick, but I don't have the urge to go mental or have an argument about it. maybe im in shock. My friends think im crazy for not saying anything.

Has anyone else found out something like this about their partner, but 3 years too late?!

OP posts:

Report

dominogally · 17/08/2016 11:37

sorry OP, must be horrible to have found this out now. How did you find out though if he didn't tell you?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/08/2016 11:39

Had you decided to be exclusive then? If not, I wouldn't say leave him but if you had, how do you know he hasn't done it since?

Cookingongas · 17/08/2016 11:39

To me, it would be more of a problem not that he'd cheated early on, but he then LIED for three years- and how many years more? .

TheNaze73 · 17/08/2016 11:43

I think if you were exclusive then it would be a deal clincher as he's covered it up for 3 years & your relationship has been built on lies. If however, it was a casual thing & you both knew the rules of engagement then it would be different.

ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 11:49

I found out through FB. We are very open with our phones and his beeped, so I glanced at it. It was a (male) friend that he doesn't hear from often, so his old conversation from all that time ago was clear to see.

Yes, we were exclusive.

I just feel like crying. If it was in the flat that we live in, then some of my stuff would have been around. I can't stop thinking about it.

OP posts:

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/08/2016 11:52

I think you need to talk to him about it. for you.

DaDman66 · 17/08/2016 12:00

In a glance you managed to look at an old conversation and read it enough to determine he'd cheated?

If you needed to do that it sounds like you already had your suspicions, or something isn't right.

IF you both agreed to be exclusive then what he did was wrong, obviously, and it must hurt. The only thing you can do is bring it up with him and talk it out, then decide what you want to do.
Personally, even if I've only been seeing someone for a month or so I don't even glance at other women, it's of no interest to me to check people out, and I'm always really excited about the person I'm seeing to even give a damn if someone else is attractive. So if he's noticing (and sleeping with) other women at such an early point then it stands to reason he might be interested in other women later down the line. I could be entirely wrong, but that's something you'll have to determine by talking to him.

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2016 12:01

How horrible for you. Does it sound as though it was a one night stand with a stranger or with someone he knew?

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2016 12:02

So his (male) friend knew about it?

FritzDonovan · 17/08/2016 12:03

so sorry OP. If you feel that lying by omission (ie keeping it a secret) is forgivable, ask him about it and see if he will lie to your face. If so, I'd be inclined to leave him. You're not tied together by kids so count your lucky stars you have the opportunity to get out before wasting too much of your life on an untrustworthy bastard.

ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 12:04

Thanks Dadman66. I couldn't helped but scroll down the convo, as the last message sent was quite vulgar from his friend (something like 'I bet she f**king loved it mate).

Think I'm going to talk to him about it tonight.

OP posts:

FallenStar3 · 17/08/2016 12:06

Cheating is cheating. I never get the cheating in the early days it's suppose be an exciting time to be getting to know one another he shouldn't be looking at another girl let alone sleeping with them. I think it more of a betrayal

FunnyTummy · 17/08/2016 12:07

I don't know if it was with a stranger or not, I think I need to know details. which makes me feel sick.

Yes, they were being all jokey about it, so his friend knows.

ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 12:08

Sorry - forgot to name change for that post.

OP posts:

DaDman66 · 17/08/2016 12:12

Fallenstar.

I feel exactly the same. I started seeing someone who told me she really fancies lots of other men and often fantasises about them. I was a bit stunned, I mean, in long term relationships most people check someone else out, but at the beginning you should be distracted by each other, not other people. Red flags there.

"something like 'I bet she f**king loved it mate."

eugh.

ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 12:16

I'm the same when I'm in a relationship. I just don't think about anyone else. at this point in our relationship, I was consumed by him and the thought of our future. I had handed in my notice and was planning the big move (400 miles) to live with him.

OP posts:

dominogally · 17/08/2016 12:24

The casual exchange from his FB friend is worrying as it suggests that he is surrounded by people who don't think it's a big deal to cheat. Do you know if he's cheated since? Does he have firm for cheating in a relationship.

Definitely you need to talk to him.

ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 12:40

I have no idea if he has cheated since. I have never worried about it with him. I know that a long long time ago, he cheated on a girlfriend, but he was very young.

I've got the day off work today, and I'm just sat stewing on it. I will speak to him later. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

FallenStar3 · 17/08/2016 12:41

The thing is he choose to take it to the next level and become BF & GF so why make your self exclusive and then cheat. The fact that his friend is bigging up the event is worse as if the women in question was some trophy and he's high fived him for cheating and getting away from it.

My ex was a serial cheat I didn't know until he left me for someone else it knocked me sick to think of him boasting to his mates over it.

Funny thing was there was another lad in their friendship group that actively cheated on his GF ( he's married her now) one of the GFs tried to tell her and all his friends swore blind he hadn't done anything knowing full well he had it i was disgusted in their behaviour. I do say if he's done it before the likely hood of him doing it again is high. I would never tolerate cheating on any level personally.

FallenStar3 · 17/08/2016 12:42

ForestFruit my ex said the same oh I only cheated before when I was younger he still did it god knows how many times. He's even cheated on his wife now and will most likely continue to do so.

ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 12:59

I feel like the last 3 years have been a waste of my time and a big lie.

OP posts:

DaDman66 · 17/08/2016 13:10

You need to have it out with him, but tbf, he sounds like a bit of a dick, surrounded by friends who think it's good to cheat.

I agree with Fallenstar, most people who cheat will continue to do so. But some people can change.

If you think he's worth it then bring it up.

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dominogally · 17/08/2016 13:11

Totally understandable you feel this way forest, don't blame you for being upset.

I'm not excusing his actions at all, and you clearly have a lot of things to work out before you can even begin to think about the future. But I thought I'd share an experience I had many years ago to illustrate that it's not always black and white.

I was single, met a guy, clicked, slept together and and was really upset when I found out, through a mutual friend, that he had a girlfriend of six months (I didn't know her). The girlfriend didn't find out for another year by which time they were living together. When she found out, she was understandably distraught and blamed me solely. Then slowly it began to unravel and eventually imploded ending with her cheating on him. Years passed and after several relationships on both sides, they realised they were older, wiser and still loved each other and they've now been happily married for 10+ years and are actually a lovely couple who I sometimes see around as they are still in my social circle.

So it can work out. But it will take time and effort from him to rebuild the trust.

ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 13:17

Thanks for the messages.

I just can't stop thinking about the actual time it happened. I don't know the exact date, but we were speaking on the phone every day around that time, so he would have had to lie to me at some point. - It's so far back, so I can't remember exact conversations. He was so keen for me to move in with him, and I look back on that time as being exciting.

god I feel awful.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 17/08/2016 13:21

It sounds really horrible, as though he's done it and bragged about it to his mates. Awful that it coincided with you moving up there.

Has there been any other sign that he was a complete twat?

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