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Is it me? Is it him?

(8 Posts)
Shurelyshomemistake Tue 16-Aug-16 22:10:25

DP and I have had a big row tonight and I could use a bit of honest perspective on whether I'm right to stand my ground or whether I'm being a difficult old cow.

I've changed a few details here but the gist is the same...

We had a tradesperson around today - small job, DH had arranged the appointment and left me with basic instructions. Something along the lines of "make sure he doesn't use x material, make sure he uses y material". So I asked DP whether he had spoken to the tradie about the consequences of using y material rather than x material and he said something vague like "oh he should have some in his van".... and then left in a hurry.

Tradie came and did his thing, letting me know that using material Y was likely to be invoiced higher (by quite a bit- think in region of £100 on a £400 total original bill). But having been given specific instructions on this I said OK go ahead....

So I passed the news of the extra cost on to DP when he got back and he slightly lost the plot, got pretty cross with me, said I should have negotiated, stomping off up the stairs saying "bloody GREAT" etc etc etc.
Face like a slapped arse, decided he was in too petulant bad a mood to go to the gym now, etc etc etc.

Am I unreasonable in thinking this wasn't anything much to do with me and he should have either sorted this in advance with the tradie or left more specific instructions for me ....? Or in fact arranged to be home himself FFS.

I told him exactly what I thought of his bad temper and now we haven't spoken all evening sad

This is not a one off: there've been similar incidents in the past.

It's the sheer bad moodiness and stropping I can't bear.

For balance I should say that I am not the sort of person to take strops and bad moods lying down and I certainly do rise to the bait. Not of the view that I should just wait till he has calmed down and then try and talk rationally to him. So maybe I do make things worse by having a go in response ....

Interested in what others would do when faced with this sort of thing on a regular basis. Starting to think I can no longer be arsed with this, but we have three small children which makes things difficult....

bloodyteenagers Tue 16-Aug-16 22:15:07

He's an arse. You shouldn't be walking around on egg shells all the time, wondering what you are going to do next to send him in a strop. It's emotionally draining.. Eventually that kids start to pick up on the moods as well, and start walking around on egg shells.

If he wanted to pay a certain price then he should have been there. Future requests would be met with a no, not worth the strop. But in the long term I would be asking if I wanted to spend the next 30+ years in such an environment.

Shurelyshomemistake Tue 16-Aug-16 22:35:07

Bloodyteenagers thanks for your reply.

I have now had an muted apology.

It's all apparently because he's worried about our finances but .... well, I think that is possibly a post-hoc rationalisation and frankly we're hardly on the breadline. We break even each month, not much saving but not living hand to mouth either. We're richer than 99% of the world's population so I can't get too hung up and it certainly doesn't seem a serious enough issue to justify the megastrop.

Surprise surprise, my own father is a bit of a stroppy nightmare, my long-suffering mother has only just started to stick up for herself and I can't bear to look ahead to future me and see myself aged 70 still padding cautiously round a stroppy 70- yr old manchild. Ugh.

Grrrrr.

Shurelyshomemistake Tue 16-Aug-16 22:37:48

Sorry that sounded very bigheaded saying we're richer than 99%... I did the online calculator thing and it's not completely true, but you get the idea...... we are in no way hard up.

SandyY2K Tue 16-Aug-16 23:15:55

I know exactly what you mean and I can imagine my DH doing this. That's why I would call him first and get him to agree the cost.

In the past we've had disagreements on this type of thing, so I've refused to deal with people he arranges, if everything hasn't been agreed in advance.

I would get annoyed at the way he'd act like I have no negotiating skills and inferred it's because I'm not paying for it.

I feel your pain and it's not you, it's him.

My solution was to ignore him and leave the house to avoid the atmosphere.

Shurelyshomemistake Wed 17-Aug-16 10:32:01

SandyY2K thank you for your reply - nice to know there are others with similar DPs.

Is your relationship happy in other respects or has this sort of behaviour undermined things?

Shurelyshomemistake Wed 17-Aug-16 10:32:21

SandyY2K thank you for your reply - nice to know there are others with similar DPs.

Is your relationship happy in other respects or has this sort of behaviour undermined things?

Shurelyshomemistake Wed 17-Aug-16 10:32:49

oops - sorry.

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