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I need constant reassurance....

(45 Posts)
4n0nym0u5 Tue 16-Aug-16 15:49:06

....and I think its annoying him.

Ive been with my partner for nearly 3 years now, we had a rocky start, we met online, he was with someone else, un be known to me. I have 2 young kids not his who adore him to bits.

But I just cant see that he is that into me! I might be being overly paranoid but he just doesn't look at me or interact with me the way im use to with ex's. We live together, he is in my marital home. I just constantly think he is with me until he find someone better, because that what he has done most of his dating life, he has never had a time where he has been single. he has gone from one girl to another. He tells me he is past that now and he has grown up but I feel otherwise.

I don't initiate sex or anything too, which I think gets to him. And when we do DTD, its from him just saying 'sex?' not very romantic.

He says he wants a future with me and the kids, but he doesn't show it, he isn't romantic at all....hes quite immature in a way as he loves his xbox games....hes nearly 30!! That annoys me, he knows it does so if I ask him to come off the games he will but I can tell he isn't happy.....

I don't know what advice im looking for really, just wanted to write my feelings fown in the hope someone has been in the same situation....

TheNaze73 Tue 16-Aug-16 15:54:53

I think it's a simple communication thing here, which will spiral if you don't nip it in the bud.

You don't initiate sex, which he probably reads as you're not into him. He doesn't look at you or interact, which makes you feel like he does, when you don't physically show you're into him.

One of you needs to break the cycle. It's only been 3 years, so you'll still be learning new things daily about each other. Good luck Op

4n0nym0u5 Tue 16-Aug-16 16:03:36

Thank you. He has had abit of a past so that's alays on my mind. I think I don't cuddle up to him, or initiate sex is because in the back of my mind I constantly think hes seeing someone else or chatting at least. And I don't want to get close to him to look stupid or get humiliated. Hes assured me he isn't doing any off those things, but I cant seem to get over thinking it...

Saltfish Tue 16-Aug-16 16:09:22

He had a dp before you got with him and lied about it. He has for for cheating...Not a great start to a relationship so I can't blame you for feeling paranoid.

TheNaze73 Tue 16-Aug-16 16:10:06

If that's the case OP, the agenda is far bigger than your initial question. As other wise people say on here, trust your gut in that case

IreallyKNOWiamright Tue 16-Aug-16 16:13:00

Hi. It sounds like you are feeling similar to me. Despite my dh and I being together for over 15 years I constantly need reassurance but it's because of my insecurity because of my sheltered childhood and everyone says if he was going to leave he would have done it years ago. Do you have your own social life out side the relationship. I've started having some nights out which have helped my confidence. It sounds mainly a confidence thing becsuse you haven't said anything which may point out a serious problem or another woman flowersbrew. Perhaps having your own hobby or going out with friends will give you that extra confidence to initiate things with him..?

4n0nym0u5 Tue 16-Aug-16 16:13:52

Its weird, cause in my gut I don't thnk hes cheating, it my mind! its more the worrying he WILL cheat on me like he did with the others....

JustAnotherPoster00 Tue 16-Aug-16 16:43:56

The problem with constant reassurance is that it will never be enough, its a spiral of want/need, the more he tells you the less you believe it, if he is cheating then you need to LTB no doubt but feeling like you're not good enough because of low self esteem or anxiety isnt his fault, sorry if I come across as blunt OP but been there nd bought the tshirt so I can see it from both sides smile

4n0nym0u5 Tue 16-Aug-16 16:50:09

I don't have much of a social life no. not got any friends really, that seem to care, they have there own life. I need to do something about it. Im not confident really, I have a flat chest and so don't like being on top, he says he loves me on top but I just think he says that cause he feels he has to. He likes watching porn, which doesn't bother me, but I get the feeling he wants me to be like those women and I cant....

SandyY2K Tue 16-Aug-16 16:51:39

If he's cheated with everyone else why would you be different?

He's hopped from one woman to another and from what you describe, I honestly don't see it as a lasting relationship.

What you need to ask him is what was missing in all his other relationships that made him cheat. Not that there always is something missing.

Then ask yourself is that 'something' alive and kicking in your relationship.

Does he contribute to your home?
Has he shown any signs of cheating? Like being glued to his phone or out a lot?

4n0nym0u5 Tue 16-Aug-16 16:59:19

He use to be funny with his fone in the beginning, but that's stopped now after I brought it up. He has no problem with leaving his fone around near me. Ive asked him why he cheated before, he just says cause he was stupid, they had nothing in common....but tbh, we don't have the same view on things either......he likes his video games and I don't, he drinks quite a lot, and I don't. He is brilliant with my children and the adore each other, he does contribute to the house yes, he was in debt a while back so wont start helping with the mortgage till next month when that's cleared, but he has helped in other ways.

ButtMuncher Tue 16-Aug-16 17:02:06

I suspect your biggest issue here is that he was in a relationship of sorts when you first met. That is an instant, right off the bat, red flag you couldn't ignore but I guess, choose to for one reason or another.

The problem is its followed you every day of your relationship because you know he has form for cheating and lying about it, therefore in your mind you are unable to feel safe that he won't do the same to you.

Fact is, I don't think you'll ever have enough reassurance from him and the reason why is because deep down you don't trust him - you never have. It's not necessarily because you have major trust issues with everyone in life (although some will say you do) but quite simply, this bloke broke your trust from the get go. You liked him and listened to his reasons and got to know him and tried to suffocate that worry in the back of your mind, but as time goes on, you know it isn't going anywhere.

You have two real choices. Either accept wholeheartedly that he is with you right now, and has made that choice, and could be doing any old thing on the internet, but that chances are you'll never know until it's too late anyway. Or that he may never cheat at all - you just don't know.

Second option is you find a partner who makes you feel safe and you don't have to second guess every minute of your life in order to feel prepared and happy. You'll feel appreciated and loved and won't have any of that red flag crap you've had with this current boyfriend. It'll be hard to get there but will probably be less hard work in the long run and a whole lot less exhausting.

You don't feel safe with this guy - not romantically safe. Choose someone you can be with smile

RedMapleLeaf Tue 16-Aug-16 17:13:57

Why are you with him?

4n0nym0u5 Tue 16-Aug-16 17:15:18

Thank you for that. Im scared of messing with my childrens heads, they have been threw so much and they are 4 and 5, they are just getting used to the fact their dad has left, so im scared of them losing my partner too. The truth is I know for a fact that if I didn't have my children I woud have ended it long ago....

4n0nym0u5 Tue 16-Aug-16 17:19:02

I do generally feel he wants a future with me, but so much has happened at the beginning it has broken my trust a little.

RedMapleLeaf Tue 16-Aug-16 17:27:57

Are the timescales a bit short then? Do you worry that you moved him in too soon?

Either way, doesn't sound like a good reason to pursue a relationship with this man.

I do generally feel he wants a future with me
I bet he does, sounds like a very comfortable set up for him. But what about you and your children?

4n0nym0u5 Tue 16-Aug-16 17:31:14

I want a future with him yes, but not with his past hanging over me!

4n0nym0u5 Tue 16-Aug-16 17:32:27

He moved in after nearly 2 years of the relationship.

RedMapleLeaf Tue 16-Aug-16 17:32:28

Well, his past won't change, although it needn't be part of who he is now. Why do you want a future with him? I mean, what qualities does he have that you think he will enhance your life?

RedMapleLeaf Tue 16-Aug-16 17:34:39

So how long had your children's father been moved out? What you mean by your children only just getting used to that?

TheNaze73 Tue 16-Aug-16 17:36:36

RedMaple beat me to it about the children??

4n0nym0u5 Tue 16-Aug-16 17:45:37

I admit I got with my bf sooner than normal after my separation, and the children met him after just a couple months, but that was accidental and I regret that. They are getting older now and starting to realise mummy and daddy arnt living together and are asking questions.

How does he enhance my life?? In what way?

I fancy the pants off him for a start, he makes me laugh, I feel safe with him, he is fantastic with my children, hes an hard worker....

ButtMuncher Tue 16-Aug-16 17:52:58

I understand what OP means - children can take a while to process the separation of parents especially if they were very young when it occurred and they see both set of parents. We had questions from DSS about a year ago - just generic sort without much angst whatsoever, but stull, he'd gotten into a mindset of wanting to know why and that can happen years after a separation.

You say you feel safe with him - how? Why? Financially? Physically? Emotionally? I can see why you feel safe with him on paper - hard working, good with kids, is living with you so a physical presence, but I think deeper lies the problem - you are scared he will leave, scared he will cheat, scared - fearful, even. That's not safe, OP flowers. Your relationship security doesn't feel safe, does it? You don't feel secure.

4n0nym0u5 Tue 16-Aug-16 17:58:00

No, not in that sence I guess I don't. Im just clutching at straws I guess. Im just scared of how this is effecting my children, if he goes. I didn't want this to happen, their dad just decided he didn't love me anymore and moved out. now hes engaged and living with someone else, and hes only been with this woman for 6 months, so that's going to have an impact on my kids too.....getting upset now....iv made such a mess of things. Thank you for all your help and advice..x

ButtMuncher Tue 16-Aug-16 18:46:53

Hey, don't beat yourself up. You've not harmed your kids - you clearly adore them and want what's best for them, so don't feel shitty.

Kids are very resilient little people, and ultimately, the best thing they can have is a happy, healthy Mum - that includes emotionally as well as physically. Your children are still very young, and will adapt very well smile

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