Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Middle aged mother and the Turkish boyfriend

(59 Posts)
KraggleLego Tue 16-Aug-16 12:39:59

I'm not sure if this is the right place however I need some advice about my DM. She has always been the type to NEED a man around, my DF was a waste of space who cheated and landed himself in prison more than he was out of it, however she dutifully stuck with him and took us along for visits. Fun. This was until he met someone else and left her, after he went she was in a kind of a, must find man frenzy. It was always a treat to wake up and see a different man there for breakfast in the morning.
This carried on for years until she met my stepfather, he was 19 she was 34. He was ok, he made her happy and he genuinely cared for myself and my brothers they were together for 20 years.
Just about a year ago they split up, they were fighting a lot and my SF got into drugs, however just like with my DF she stayed and stayed until he was the one that left.

So now she's on her own and it's starting again, she was going out every night (fair enough her business) meeting strangers on the internet and sleeping with them on the first night only for her to wonder why she never hears from them again.

More recently she was contacted by a man from turkey, one of those you are so beautiful please be my friend requests on Facebook. He wiggled his way in and now DM is "in Love". It's like reading a Daily Mail article and she wont listen to me.

He is a walking red flag, his facebook profile had no friends except for DM, he barely speaks English and he is apparently possessive and controlling her already, for example I went to visit with my children and he told her to make us leave. She actually made us go. He has been putting pressure on her to go to Turkey, she has now booked a two week ticket for September. (she will be staying with him) and she has never been abroad before. I am so bloody worried for her, she doesn't find it odd that he's mentioning visa's and marriage in the same sentence.

She has no money though and hasn't worked in years, she honestly believes that she is going to walk into a job paying enough for him to live here. I am at my wits end and my brother is pulling his hair out.

In the interests of not drip feeding I met my now husband online 7 years ago, he is Dutch and moved here to be with me, we are now married and have children and she wants the same. Thank you for ploughing through this and I know it reads like an episode of Jeremy Kyle but it is all sadly true.

Grannypants1 Tue 16-Aug-16 12:43:10

Unfortunately she is an adult and can make her own decisions. Seen this happen, as soon as the guy arrived in england he walked out the airport and never saw her again. Express your concerns in a constructive way, but remember if you oppose it, it might add a bit of drama and excitement for her and when it subsequently goes wrong you might find she blames you for it if you make a show or resistance. All you can do is support her.

Aussiebean Tue 16-Aug-16 12:44:42

Try googling some of the sentences he uses. I have heard many scammers use the same wording and people have been posting them in an effort to warn others.

If may not work but it might help

SlowJinn Tue 16-Aug-16 12:53:59

I used to work with a woman in her 40s who married a gorgeous Egyptian man of 22 after a whirlwind holiday romance. He was the sunbed guy at her hotel. She then spent all her time saving up to go back to Egypt to see him, and sold her house so her husband could set up his own business. After a couple of years it transpired he worked summers in Sharm and spent his winters with his Egyptian wife and children in Alexandria. Her marriage wasn't even legal but she never got her money back.

She was lonely and incredibly naive. Poor woman.

Be there for your mum when it all falls apart, she's going to need a hand to hold.

LauraMipsum Tue 16-Aug-16 12:54:50

I'm an immigration lawyer Kraggle. He won't get a visa.

Your DM will need to be earning at least £18,600 per year, AND she needs to have been earning it consistently for 12 months. Even if she does get that job, she needs to stay in it until she can show a year's earnings.

Either he will get bored waiting or she will get fed up earning.

Let's assume that she manages 12 months earnings and can now sponsor him to enter - it is pretty likely that the Entry Clearance Officer will spot the same red flags and will refuse on the basis that the marriage is not genuine and subsisting. She will then need to keep her job, pay the appeal fees, and turn up and persuade a court that the marriage is genuine, and cases can take nearly a year just to get listed.

Even genuine relationships start to crack under the pressure of immigration applications and appeals.

Assuming he actually exists and isn't just a financial scam (which is also possible) he may well check her out in September and realise that she is not his ticket to the future.

I wouldn't argue with her about it, just set out your concerns. Agree with Granny that she may end up blaming you if it goes wrong.

In the meantime do NOT give her any money. I know that sounds harsh but I have seen so many adult children forking over sums to a parent who should know better who is then passing it on to a scammer / lover boy abroad who has just "broken his leg" and needs medical care, then his sister nearly dies in childbirth and they need money for SCBU, then he needs a car so the family can visit the baby, then, then, then...

pinkmagic1 Tue 16-Aug-16 13:04:40

I agree that all you can do is be there for her when things go tits up as they surely will.
My dh is Egyptian, we met as teenagers and have been married 19 years. I have seen many middle age women loose everything they have to Egyptian toyboys and have heard there are similar goings on in Turkey. We know of one case, sadly quite close to home and both me and dh have warned her on numerous occasions that she is being taken for a ride but we have been accused of being jealous. It is almost as if the guy has brainwashed her.
It is unlikely your mother will be able to get this man a visa as you have to earn a fairly decent wage to bring a non EU spose in to the UK these days. I would however try to keep an eye out for her sending him money etc. Does she own property?

Kennington Tue 16-Aug-16 13:05:23

You poor thing. This will look like a sham marriage and I am sure there is no way they would get a visa for him without plenty of cash.
I would stay neutral but ask a few difficult questions about his financial status, other girlfriends and visa application.

KraggleLego Tue 16-Aug-16 13:05:56

This is what was baffling me, she hasn't worked in 10 years she has literally nothing. She insists that he is going to look after her because he has a good job and a new car over there. I asked her why he wants to come here if he has so much going for him. She just says that we want to be together.
I knew that it wouldn't be easy regarding visa's, I have seen a bit of it as we are in the process of applying for PLR for my DH after BREXIT.

I can see it's a scam and she's going to get her fingers burnt, I'm worried for her.

sarahnova69 Tue 16-Aug-16 13:13:07

I feel for you, truly. But as PPs said, she is a grown woman and compos mentis (legally speaking anyway...) She can mess up her life and bankrupt herself chasing toyboys if she wants.

All you can do is detach and protect yourself (and I second not giving her money!) It's unfair and hard and horrible when parents put you in the position of parenting them, but you will just have to hope that he ditches her as a poor prospect when he finds out more...

Sparklesilverglitter Tue 16-Aug-16 13:18:05

Ultimately your Mum is an adult and it's all her choice but I do feel for you it's natural not to want to see your Mum get hurt.

surely it's very unlikely he would get a visa, which is at least something I suppose

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Aug-16 13:18:45

She hasn't any money to lose, so if you and your brother have a pact not to give her a penny, the guy will soon get fed up with her. She can't even afford to go and visit him, never mind pay for him to come back.

It must be incredibly stressful having a mum like that - you have to be the adult and there must be times when you'd love her to act like a parent.

KraggleLego Tue 16-Aug-16 13:44:51

I just want her to be sensible for once it's ridiculous. She's only in her 50's with no responsibility, it's her time now to do what she wants. Instead she's in her house 24/7 talking to a stranger online because he gets mad if she goes out ff's.

I only saw an article last week on a lady who lost thousands to a waiter she met on holiday, I pasted it to her and she says it wont happen to her because he is genuine hmm. I will take your advice and not engage with it anymore, I definitely wont be lending her money.

sarahnova69 Tue 16-Aug-16 13:55:52

I just want her to be sensible for once

I fear that ship.. well, I was going to say "has sailed", but it would be more accurate to say that that particular ship never got built, based on your description.

Can you seek out some support for yourself? A counsellor to talk to about how crappy it is to have to act like your mum's mum? She has an adolescent Romeo and Juliet fantasy in her head - you pointing out this is a scam only feeds it ("She doesn't understand OUR EPIC LOVE!") She has problems you can't fix.

I think the only decision for you to make is: do you want her to come to you for help when all this goes tits up? If so: respond neutrally to all talk about Mr Love God. Ask questions, sounding mildly interested, then change the subject. If not: feel free to tell her she's heard your views on the topic, and you won't discuss it any more.

SirVixofVixHall Tue 16-Aug-16 13:56:50

How stressful for you. I agree it must be really hard seeing your Mum, who should be the responsible one, doing something so silly. Has she never heard of this kind of scam? Is there anyone else she might listen to? She is acting like a 14 year old, and the controlling aspect is really worrying. Sadly, unlike a 14 year old, she can do as she likes and all you can do is try to be the voice of reason and be there when it all goes awry, as it undoubtedly will. flowers for you OP. Although you probably need a large wine and some chocolate

DearMrDilkington Tue 16-Aug-16 14:09:28

Has she actually spoken to this man on Skype or anything similar so she can prove its him?

ValueCunt Tue 16-Aug-16 14:23:59

She seems an odd choice unless she hasnt fessed up to being broke. Does she own her house? Maybe she said she does etc etc. Maybe this is a horrible game to him and once he's had his visit he will dump her.
What has he said he does? This marvellous job that he apparently has?

A poster above reminded me of someone I worked with yrs ago. She was 50 ish. Divorced and disillusioned. Went to Eygpt. Married a young man. think he may have got to uk but anyway it was all a farce. She just pretended it never happened. She was a real bully to younger staff members so I couldn't have cared less at the time but it must have been horrible and humiliating. 🙁
Don't fall out with your mum. Make sure no one gives her money and I am afraid this may need to just play out. Be neutral.
I don't think she will have a healthy relationship with a man without a lot of therapy. She has a disordered script and little insight from what you have said. I know the SF ended badly but she was remarkably lucky (?) that it worked for so long. That is very unusual and she probably was told that marriage would never work but it did for a long time.
Good luck.

KraggleLego Tue 16-Aug-16 15:33:17

She says they Skype a lot, I can't imagine the conversation is fantastic as he barely knows any English. Apparently he told her he wanted a baby, she was sat sobbing as she has was sterilised years ago and she didn't dare tell him. Umm your 54 your way past that regardless. I've never understood her, it's the reason I moved out at 17. A pp had it right, it's all very Romeo and Juliette we just don't understand their deep love hmm.

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 16-Aug-16 15:40:33

Being the voice of doom, she may not have any money, but could she borrow it? Possibly from unscrupulous lenders?

SlowJinn Tue 16-Aug-16 15:40:34

Surely he realises that at 54, having a baby is HIGHLY unlikely? Or is she pretending to be younger than she is?

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe Tue 16-Aug-16 15:41:34

I would be very careful what I would say to her and how, as many people said.

Anything negative will go automatically in the "They don't understand us" drawer, she will stop taking to you and will lean more to him.

Does he know she's broke? He might move on if he did.

JellyBean31 Tue 16-Aug-16 15:57:20

A friend of mine married a Turkish bloke (him 28 her 46) we all warned her, all wanted to be proved wrong but ultimately he buggered off less than a year after he got into the UK.... Thankfully she reported him to UKVI and he's back in Turkey now while she's trying to sort out a long distance divorce and he's looking for his next victim /love of his life

sarahnova69 Tue 16-Aug-16 16:28:49

Can you feel pity for her?

I mean that seriously. It's truly very sad on many levels that her emotions are in such a state of arrested development. It suggests she never got what she needed to "grow up" when she was vulnerable and young herself.

I know asking you to step back and feel that kind of pity for her is a big ask of a daughter, and in many ways an unreasonable one. But if you can find it in yourself to feel compassion for her, whatever made her the way she is, it might help you feel a bit more peaceful about it.

Or I could be talking bollocks. Take your pick. grin

SandyY2K Tue 16-Aug-16 16:42:25

I'd not be visiting her while he's around. If she's putting her new man before you and making you leave the house because of him, then she'll have to deal with the fallout.

Some people never learn and just be glad you didn't follow in her footsteps.

You mentioned she doesn't have money, but does she own her house ? He might have his eyes on that.

ThinkingForever Tue 16-Aug-16 16:43:10

Kraggle, it sounds like your mother's love life has always been unconventional, and she's not about to start to change now.

Luckily she has no money to lose, so when things don't turn out as planned on her holiday romance, she's not gonna lose her home or her savings.

I remember years ago reading a Daily Mail article about all these women who had been conned in this way - and a couple who more happily stayed the course. At the time I found it impossible to understand, how could the former have been so deluded! But if you think of the cold offerings often in this country for a woman over the age of 40/50, its hardly a surprise, for it can be an attractive possibility for sure.

The fact that its all internet-based in your DM's case makes it even more likely to be a con of course.

The only thing you can do is delicately say to your mum to keep her wits about her and if it doesn't work out to come home.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 16-Aug-16 16:44:05

I do not think there is anything you can do to make her see sense so I would leave her to it. She is not listening anyway and actively has her fingers in her ears. She is not going to listen to anyone except him.

It is probably hard to feel pity for someone like your mother because she seemingly never put you and your brother first when you were children; it was always some man or other. This continues to this day. Talking to a therapist about your mother may well help you move forward.

She has never been sensible when it comes to men and continues to make poor choices likely based on her own background; what if anything do you know about her own childhood (particularly with reference to her dad)?.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now