No intimacy

[JJRJ1002]

Hi,

Was wondering how people felt about intimacy- do you think a relationship can last without it?

My bf and I have no intimacy what so ever - I couldn't tell you the last time we kissed let alone anything else. We don't hold hands or cuddle and I'm starting to feel like it's not a 'proper' relationship.
My bf is not in the slightest bit romantic (something I have always craved from him but have never got it even though I have mentioned it) - he never has been romantic and is a bit of a 'mans man' - doesn't really show his feelings and was never really affectionate, even though I was I feel like I have lost that over the years we have been together and since our daughter was born 10 months ago all of the little affection for each other we had seems to have disappeared completely.

I am feeling resentful to him over a number of things and don't know whether that plays a part in me not really wanting to kiss or cuddle him. Sometimes I think 'shall I go and give him a cuddle' then I think 'I can't be bothered' (that sounds so bad but that's how I feel )
Sex life is non existent - the handful of times we have done it since our daughter was born it just felt very very awkward, Probably because we have no affection or intimacy so if we do touch it just feels so strange.

I don't really know what to do. I have tried to talk to him about it but with him any deep conversation is a total waste of time because he goes all defensive and things always turn into an argument.

Can relationships survive like this?

[Blushingm]

Mine hasn't - sorry

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I'm in the same place with my relationship - if you find the answer, let me know!

Only thing I'd add is...does he show his affection in other ways, perhaps? My OH (with whom I don't live, because on a day-to-day basis it would kill me) does things like mow the lawn or check the oil in my car. It's not the affection i want or crave, but it's the only way he knows of showing how much he cares about me. He never really had affection growing up (and the only reason I know he knows how it works is because he used to be affectionate, when we first met. I think he thinks you only use affection to get a relationship, once you're in one it's a waste of time). But - is he one of those men who shows he cares by being practical?

[JJRJ1002]

No he definitely doesn't show it in practical ways - I do mainly everything and I have to think for the whole house, he does sort the car out because I wouldn't have a clue about those sort of things. But if he does anything else (housework) he wants praise and a medal for all his hard work -- men!

[n0ne]

What are you actually getting out of this relationship?? He's not affectionate or considerate. What do you see in him?

[JJRJ1002]

That's what I'm asking myself!
But I don't want to just throw the towel in?

[SeaCabbage]

Sounds awful. Most people crave intimacy and touching. Surely that's what differentiates from mere friendship.

I think you need to think about other options.

[SandyY2K]

The problem here is you're craving something and the minute you get some attention elsewhere, you become weak due to your vulnerability.

This is how so many affairs start for women especially.

Is he happy with the way things are? Doesn't he want intimacy more than it currently is?

[singleandfabulous]

Sounds exactly like my ex. Very lovely dovey, touchy feely etc. in the beginning then after 6 months, nothing. No kissing, no hugging, barely any sex, no touching. he used to show me he loved me in other ways though. Buying my favourite food, making me tea/breakfast in bed, sending me thoughtful texts and gifts and ringing me every evening/day.

He said that he had no affection growing up so it was alien to him. As soon as 'courting' was over, he felt he didn't have to do that anymore and was releived as it was such a strain on him having to try. Made me desperately sad so I ended it (multiple other reasons too including violence to inanimate objects, poor work eithic, gambling and drunkenness).

If that's the way you feel and you need affection then he doesn't sound like the man for you op.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

My ex partner was like this and it absolutely destroyed my self esteem and opinion on what a proper relationship should be like. If they will not talk about it, then leave. It will not get better and nor will you. Besides, if people can't communicate about things, the relationship is really dead anyway.

[JJRJ1002]

Things were so much better in the beginning, I felt like I was special, I felt like he was so proud to be with me. I felt important. But now I feel like he has no care about me, if I mention anything about how I'm feeling he gets defensive and gives me an 'oh well'
He would never give me a compliment (not that I expect one as now I never do anything with myself like I used to)
If I go and get my hair done I come home and he doesn't make a comment about it.
If I say 'why don't u ever surprise me and buy me flowers' he says 'oh well, u don't buy me anything'

We used to take the Mick out of a relative of his and his gf because they r joined at the hip, they have to be together all the time (I know that isn't healthy) and they kiss and cuddle, but now I look at them and think they actually have it all right and we have it all wrong. And I'm jealous of them. I want a bit of that connection and want.

[JJRJ1002]

Yeah my self esteem has plummeted. Don't get me wrong he's not a bad guy and in no way abusive, he's not a drinker and not into drugs and He works very hard. But I just feel undesirable and unloved (even tho deep down I know he does love me)

[JJRJ1002]

Can I really blame it all on him? I no longer make an effort with him to be affectionate or intimate.... So am I to blame ?

[adora1]

There is an answer, you find someone who will give you what you need! Nobody is stuck!

[adora1]

He sound useless as well OP, wants commended for cleaning his own house, it's not men, it him!

[JJRJ1002]

Sorry I didn't mean to label all men the same

[TheNaze73]

I can't see any point for you to stay with him. Can totally understand why you'd not want to be like his relative & his gf, that sounds like my idea of hell however, you sound like flat mates.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I get the 'jealousy' thing when I see other couples walking hand in hand...i even started a thread on here about my OH's habit of walking off and leaving me trailing ten yards behind when we go out anywhere. And I too have stopped making any kind of effort to be affectionate - it's a bit like having it beaten out of you, isn't it? When you never get anything back?

But my bloke is also showing a lot of markers for being ASD. When I think about his behaviour in that framework it makes more sense and is easier to bear. And mine is generally a decent guy, so I'm loathe to dump him, but....God, I'd love a cuddle (one that didn't have to have sex as an inevitable end - another rant for another day...)

[Greenandmighty]

Ha, interesting to read that I'm not the only one whose DH just strides ahead leaving me trailing behind.... it's quite hurtful behaviour.
OP, it sounds like you're not getting the deep connectedness you need in this relationship but there will be someone out there for you who can give that. Do you feel you can have a heart to heart with your DP about this issue which seems to be the elephant in the room?

[SandyY2K]

I suggest you also try to make an effort and see if that makes a difference.

If it doesn't, then I don't see what you get from the relationship. Why waste your time.

Are you sure he's not getting his needs met elsewhere?