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What do I do? Could he be having an affair?

(18 Posts)
Fedupd0tcom Mon 15-Aug-16 23:04:11

Just come back after a holiday with dh and lo. Feeling v distraught. Holidayed in an area filled with my old childhood memories which made me miss and mourn for my Dad who passed away last year and worry about losing my Mum who is terminally ill. Have done all the driving as dh unable to drive for health reasons. I booked said hol as I wanted lo to enjoy going places I used to love goin as a child....she did have fun. Dh said he wanted to go too...I booked everything....he never does. Anyway I'm waffling...v tired after nearly 5hrs driving. Anyway....he's been acting v strange. By chance on ipad last week...where we have open access to eachothers emails...nothing to hide (or so I thought)...I saw he'd signed up to match.com...I confronted him, v shocked as didn't think it would be his thing...he denied it profusely...said someone must have hacked into his account and he's contacted his email provider and asked blocked it...hmmm.

Then he is more often than not working late. That could be genuine but we rarely see him. Then he's glued to his phone....showed me when I asked what news doing he's on bbcsports.. fair enough it is the Olympics..
But he is always on his phone.

Then we went to a work party...there was this petite, pretty and v slim colleague talking to him (everything I'm not and seemed v nervous around me...though v nervy in general tbh) When I mentioned that they seemed v friendly he protested 'sorry if I made u feel weird. We hardly talk at work... she's v mysterious'.

Alarm bells were ringing.

Then this trip....

No hugs, no kisses...no affection

Zilch

No praise

V little thanks

Nothing

I'm so worried and scared

He says i love u. I'll never leave but how do I know he means it.

I'm vv scared.

He's a good father to our lo

What do i do

I don't think he loves me anymore

I don't know why he's still with me tbh. I know I've let myself go...but still...I cry a lot but it's cos I'm grieving so much. I feel so alone

Bellyrub1980 Mon 15-Aug-16 23:08:34

I get emails from match.com and I'm not a member. Infact I get a lot of weird emails which, to a suspicious partner, could look very dodgy. It's all SPAM and marketing.

Bellyrub1980 Mon 15-Aug-16 23:09:18

Did you see the content of the email?

Squirmy65ghyg Mon 15-Aug-16 23:10:30

Affair or not, doesn't seem like a very loving relationship? No affection?

Fedupd0tcom Mon 15-Aug-16 23:10:45

It was just match just telling him various ppl were interested and thanks for joining

Fedupd0tcom Mon 15-Aug-16 23:12:43

It's only in last few months affection disappeared

SandyY2K Mon 15-Aug-16 23:18:31

"Thanks for joining" isn't likely to be spam.

Also saying I'll never leave doesn't mean he wouldn't have an affair.

The biggest clue is the match. com email.

I'm always with my phone as well. Lots of people are these days.

It's everything put together that makes it seem something isn't right.

You're facing a very hard time with your recent loss and now with your mum. Have you looked into bereavement counselling?

Fedupd0tcom Mon 15-Aug-16 23:22:29

SandyY2K that's exactly it...the whole picture doesn't add up. I'm currently having counselling....opening a tin of worms...

TommyandGina Mon 15-Aug-16 23:25:23

My ex always promised he'd never leave me, and he didn't, he made my life hell though and forced me into leaving angry

Hope things turn ok for you flowers

offside Mon 15-Aug-16 23:26:35

I've recently had spam emails from Match. Not been anywhere near that site.

I don't think there's anything to suspect he's having an affair. I think that maybe you have a lot going on at the moment with the loss of your father and your mother's illness and maybe it's making you worry that you're going to end up losing everyone you love.

Have a chat with your DH, tell him how you feel. And maybe speak to your GP about bereavement counselling.

offside Mon 15-Aug-16 23:27:19

Ahh I see I echoed Sally.

Fedupd0tcom Mon 15-Aug-16 23:35:11

I'm just feeling pretty ignored and unloved by him right now

adora1 Tue 16-Aug-16 13:15:52

Don't see how signing up can be spam, I'd not be able to let that one go, also the way he is behaving is not good either, time to a real heart to heart chat. He should be supporting you through the tough times, that's the whole point of a partner, to be a team and help each other.

kaitlinktm Tue 16-Aug-16 13:21:55

I signed up but I didn't pay anything - just nosied around - and they keep sending me emails to say that X number of people have been looking at my profile - but I DID join!

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Aug-16 13:22:26

There's no way that email is spam.

I would be very suspicious if I were you. I think it's very hard to look great when you feel neglected by your husband. It's awful when you're blamed for that, then.

Does he go out in the evenings?

Mummydummy Tue 16-Aug-16 20:09:20

I'm sorry OP - you are in such a difficult place with the loss of your father and your mother's illness - you don't need any further fear or worry.

It really does depend what the match email said - and it may be hard to remember precisely when you've glanced at in in shock. If it said thanks for joining and people have liked your profile then I dont think thats spam, I'm sorry to say, unless he had an account some time ago that he forgot to close down? But its not definitive proof of anything either so it will feel awful to be wondering, I'm sure.

I agree with offside and others' advice:
- tell him how you're feeling and ask him whether he can reassure you
- with the lack of love and affection, ask him if there are things that you both can do to reconnect, say thats why its made you feel worse about the match email
- essentially be honest - and if its hard consider not just bereavement counselling for yourself but also couples counselling too - if that would help improve communications. It might be with the fog of grief and worry thats is enveloping you - he's finding it hard to connect with you. Grief can get in the way of the usual relationship.

And please don't turn your anxiety into self loathing about yourself. You are still the same person he fell in love with, you have the same heart, soul, spirit, kindness... You deserve love and support.

Big hugs to you. Get some support from friends too.

artiface Tue 16-Aug-16 22:22:24

Another Match spam receiver here.
I can understand you must feel so low about your mum and dad and stirring up sad memories on your trip, but maybe that made him feel left out, unable to help you as he wasn't part of that.
You say you've let yourself go - well stop! Get a hold, if you are aware then you can make yourself feel better! Not for him, but for you! Do it for you and for respect for your family, all of them. Try too love yourself. Look in the mirror and smile, even if you don't feel like it - be loving, make the first move, tell him how much he means to you, that you're both tent poles holding up the family and that you appreciate him being there, love yourself and love him, show him that you care, no jealousy, whatever is in your heart will show. Ask him to come home early - make an effort - take him out or cook, put on music and talk, woo him.
You also say 'he never does' which sounds a bit resentful (forgive me if I'm wrong) but maybe he does other things, can you focus on those? Make those the things you thank him for. If you show him appreciation, he may just learn from you.

Mummydummy Wed 17-Aug-16 21:37:39

Nice advice artifice.

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